"I shit with great haste! - Sean

"I don't read the blogs unless I know I'm going to be in them." - Melissa

Looks like Christmas at 55 degrees
This latitude weakens my knees

Well, I may have lost the football pool to my arch-rival Mike, but I'm not too upset because in a few short hours I'll be at home.

No Christmas at 55 degrees for me.

So I will soon leave the cold little town of Peace River for the mighty suburb of Langley, where there's better restaurants, more traffic and everybody knows my name.

Tonight will be good. Going out for dinner with my parents, then when Chris gets off work, me, him, Jer, Ian, Bucholtz (and probably Mike!) are going to Slapshots where we'll proceed to get loaded. It's Bucholtz 19th birthday today too. Now he's "allowd to buy beers"

I don't think I've ever been this excited for a green christmas in my entire life.

:: Kentucky Fried Idiots ::

Contrary to popular belief, and recent television commercials, "all the excitement" of the new Lord of the Rings movie is not found at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

I hate commercials like this. Just fuckin' hate them. Not only is it false advertising, it's stupid false advertising. Do they actually think people will come to their restuarant because they expect to have as good as a time there as they would at the movie?

Customer 1: Ah, dammit. Return of the King is sold out.
Customer 2: That's okay, let's just go to KFC!!!

They'd be better off blatantly lying and saying Orlando Bloom would personally deliver your bucket of extra crispy if the drive-thru takes more than three minutes.

Memo to Colonel Saunders or whoever is running that chicken shack nowadays: People aren't stupid. The excitement of the movie is not in your crappy restuarant. All that's there is artery-clogging, greasy chicken, bad potato salad and a souvenir cup.

:: How much I rule ::

"If you want to play the fiddle you'd better be prepared to pay the piper." - Darcy, Jr. B hockey coach, mixing his metaphors in an angry diatribe after the game.

In a shameless bit of self-promotion I just thought I'd let everyone know that the compliments just keep rollin' in for me lately. Going back to last week's staff Christmas party I found out that I'm irresistible to drunken women co-workers. Also during that party, someone told me that I had lots of class and style, and I was complimented on my tequila drinking abilities.

And then to top it all off, the other night while at the hockey game, I was chatting with the owner of the team for awhile, and he told me that a) I was doing an excellent job on the articles I write about his team, the Navigators, and b) Other people and owners around the league tell him that his team has, by far, the best media coverage in the entire league.

So there you have it folks. Not only am I classy, stylish and the object of drunken women's advances, I'm also the best God damn junior 'b' hockey reporter in all of Northern B.C and Alberta - and that's not me assuming either, that's straight from the horse's mouth.

I just thought you all should know that, in case you needed a reminder of my fantastic-ness.

:: Get Festive ::

You may have noticed, unless you are colour blind or perhaps dumb, that I have changed the colours of the blog to match the holiday season. I originally stole the idea from Mike, and I think it's a good one.

It's almost the middle of the December folks, so if you haven't already, make like this blog and get in the holiday spirit -- throw a snowball at a moving car, go to the mall and get in the way of busy, stressed out last-minute shoppers, or go make yourself a mistletoe belt and see if you can get any takers.

As for me, I'm going to tip over one of those Salvation Army donation kettles that are on street corners and watch those poor santa-hat wearing, bell-ringing volunteers chase all that loose change into the cold frozen street. Just kidding.

Happy Festivus everyone!

:: Gimme my money, Bitch ::

For the last few years, I've read this online humour column by a guy named Aaron Karo. It's really good stuff, and every once in awhile he writes something that I totally agree with. Here's what I read today.

What really pissed me off this year is people who kept telling me that I had to “pay my dues.” That’s old peoples’ response to everything isn’t it? “Well, you have to pay your dues.” “You have to pay your dues first.” “Don’t worry, you’re just paying your dues.” You know what? I’m sick of paying dues. My whole life I’ve been paying dues – temple dues, pool club dues, fraternity dues. When the fuck do I get paid?

Amen to that, dude.

"Don't you know I like snowmen? Where's my fuckin' snowman!?" - Shelly

"Nick, get over here and come get your picture taken with the Chinese people." - Shelly

"Hi Nick, it's me...Shelly." - Shelly, like 4 inches from my face, just in case I didn't recognize her.

Jessica: Shelly, what are you doing?
Shelly (smoking): I'm having my Christmas cigarette.
Ken: Christmas cigarette? what the fuck is that? Hey Nick, let's go get the Christmas bong.

"Me and Nick are screwed because we're the only guys here and we're going to end up with bath salts or something. The only thing we're gonna do with bath salts is smoke 'em." - Ken, talking about the disadvantage of the random gift exchange situation.

Well, the Record-Gazette Christmas party was interesting, to say the least. It's quite shocking actually, to see the normally reserved people from work in a completely different light - a drunken light. Shelly, the woman who works in the composing department was especially drunk, and while she was pretty wild and funny, she was also quite...embarassing I guess, and certainly not politically correct. She kept trying to drag me around the bar, so I made it my goal to stay away from her. It had to be extra sneaky. For the most part, it worked.

For the most part. There were a few occasions where I could not avoid her, or her drunken counterpart, Marie, the office manager, and I was literally dragged, unwillingly, onto the dance floor, where I made it my goal to leave as quick as possible. Not that I don't like dancing, but after being dragged onto the floor, I actually spent less time
dancing, and more time trying to re-button my shirt that was practically torn from my body in the act of being dragged around. So then i went back to the table and talked with the rest of the drunken girls I work with, who were nearly just as drunk and crazy as the two I had just escaped from.

I eventually left about an hour early because I had a killer headache. I thought drinking an entire pitcher of rye-and-7 would make it go away, but it didn't quite work.

But on the plus side, I learned a few things:

1) Crazy girls' boyfriend is almost as weird as she is.
2) Crazy girl is still crazy.
3) I'm irresistible to women. Well, at least those I work with. When they're drunk.

So that was my night: Got very drunk, attacked and dragged around by two drunken co-workers, then escaped and sat with more drunken co-workers where I had to watch out for various drunken ass grabs and such. It's just too bad most of the girls I worked with weren't hot and/or single.

But whatever. I guess when you got it, you got it.

"Chicks dig the long ball." - Darcy, the Jr. B hockey coach, talking about his baseball skills.

Another game, another win for the Jr. B Navigators in Peace River. The team almost lost this one, and if they had, I wasn't looking forward to talking to the guys after the game, because they were against a last place team and besides, nobody's happy when the lose. It's always easier when people are in a good mood. Luckily they came back from being down 4-3, scored 4 third period goals and won 7-4, but I was worried for awhile. I don't know why though, they've only lost 1 game out of 22.

Maybe a loss wouldn't be bad for my sake though. I'm having trouble coming up with new interview questions, and "How come you guys rule?" isn't a really good one, although it may come to that sooner rather than later.

Stay tuned, tomorrow: Record-Gazette Staff Christmas party.

"I don't see the logic in building a city in uninhabitable conditions. It would be like building a city underwater. It's just not meant to be." - Carlos, after hearing how cold it is in Peace River.

Heard this conversation after a recent hockey game when I was hanging out, eating pizza with the coach and some of the players after the team won.

The coach was guarding a 2 litre bottle of Coke, and drinking it quickly.

Player: You're really goin' to town on that Coke eh coach?
Coach: Well tonight I need all the caffeine and energy I can get.
Player: Why?
Coach: Victory sex.
Player: Victory sex? But we win every game.
Coach: Why do you think I like you guys so much?

:: Master Criminals ::

If there was an award from world's dumbest criminal, I think there a few guys here in northern Alberta who would qualify. Over the weekend, in the town of Grimshaw, about 20 minutes from here, the RCMP arrested two people for possession of drugs and firearms. Nothing really groundbreaking, not compared to B.C grow-ops and drug busts, anyway. But the funny part is how they got caught.

Some farmer out in Grimshaw called the cops because his snowmobile got stolen. So the cops came, and saw that, yes, there was no snowmobile where there used to be one before. Now, most people who would steal a snowmobile would, I assume, just get a truck, load the snowmobile into it, and drive away. Case closed. As long as you don't accidently drop your business card in the driveway as you leave then you're home free. Congratulations, you just got yourself a new snowmobile.

But not these geniuses. Either not in possession of a truck, or brain cells, (or both) they decided that they would just drive the snowmobile away. So what did the cops do? Well they followed the tracks in the snow of course - right to a shed across town somewhere. Driving the snowmobile was mistake #1. Mistake #2 for these guys came when, in a moment of pure genius, they thought "Hey, lets' hide the snowmobile in the same place we store all the drugs and unregistered handguns." So guess what else the cops found?

Yup, real smart crooks. It didn't exactly take the guys from Law & Order to figure this one out.

A lot of us complain that we don't have any luck with relationships and can never find someone. A theory on why this is was published on a website I found but no longer remember:

It's often said that all guys are dumb and all girls are crazy. It's true - all girls are just crazy enough to hit on the guys and the guys are just dumb enough not to ask them for their numbers.

An interesting theory, I guess.

:: Comeback ::

When I was in elementary school, one of my friends, Neil, lived around the corner from me. We used to play road hockey together sometimes, we both were on the basketball team, and once I remember we played computer Jeopardy practically all-night long one Saturday night. We weren't best friends by any means, but we went to each other's birthday parties, so we were pretty good buddies. The only real difference between us was our choice of favourite sports: Mine was hockey, his, football. Actually, Neil was one of Langley's best quarterbacks. His team's always won, he got to play at B.C Place. He was good.

But then high school happened. And as happens with many kids he went down hill. He "fell in with the wrong crowd" as people often say. He was in my Science 8 class for awhile, but eventually got in too much trouble and was expelled/dropped out of school and that's the last I ever saw or heard from him. 'Til Now.

Over the years I just figured he'd ended up as sort of a deadbeat. God knows enough people from my grade 7 grad class turned out that way. But today my assumptions were proven wrong.

I'm flicking channels and I stopped on TSN to watch the Vanier Cup. Simon Fraser University isn't in the Cup, but they played in the semi-finals last week, and the announcers were talking about it, and one of them mentions "SFU linebacker and President's trophy winner Neil McKinlay." I was stunned. I knew it was him right away, and after some quick 'net research to make sure there weren't two Neil McKinlay's in the CIS I was proven correct. It made me feel really happy, knowing that, to steal a football term, he went from fourth-and-long, turned his life around and is now the best university linebacker in the entire country.

What a comeback.

:: Forbes, denied ::

You may remember, a few days ago I posted a conversation I had with Ian about this girl, Bre, who he liked. Well, he finally made his move. But then this happens, as is described below. The poor kid just can't catch a break with this girl, but it's still funny for the rest of us.

Ian: We were partying last night, I had like 13 beers, and then Bre and I were, you know, gettin' a little 'frisky'. So I went for the bra and unlatched the two prongs so I think i'm in...
Me: What do you mean, you think?
Ian: There was a third prong!!!
Me: Oh yeah?
Ian: And that last prong totally kicked my ass. I just couldn't get it. It was like some kind of super bra.
Me: So then nothing happened then?
Ian: No. It would have, but by the time I got it I had ruined the moment for myself.
Me: Ouch, scoring denied by the infamous third latch.
Ian: No kidding, it was horrible, like something from out of this world.

:: If you blog it, they will come ::

I just finished watching Field of Dreams which I hadn't seen in years. Having been turned onto W.P Kinsella's books recently (the movie is based on Kinsella's novel Shoeless Joe) I loved it even more than before. It's officially one of my all-time favourite movies. Being a little bit older and wiser since the last time I watched this movie, I learned a few things from watching it. For starters, if you want something, you have to work for it, no matter how crazy or ridiculous people think you are. And secondly, I learned that if any ghost-like voices tell you do something, or build something, or go someplace, just do it and don't complain or ask why.

Strange voices aside, I'd also like to address another fact: Nobody sends me email anymore. And I mean real emails here, not just forwards. How does this tie into the things I've learned from watching Field of Dreams, you might ask? Well, it has to do with my first point: I want people to send me emails so, by blogging about it, I'm doing something to get what I want-- emails. I may be reaching here, but gimme a break, I needed a segway between the movie and my email situation.

The situation is this: I send out emails to people all the time - I send Mike quirky or funny things that I come across during the day, I send Melissa notes just to say hi because I'm bored at work, I send all sorts of emails to everyone. And does anyone ever email me back? No. Rarely, if ever. The only people who email me on a consistent basis are my parents. And I don't want to hear any b.s about how we all talk on msn instead - I'm focusing on emails here and emails only. Now I've posted about it, I guess there's nothing left to do except wait for Shoeless Joe Jackson to appear out of the cornfield. Or in my case, wait for emails to arrive.

Mike: You should come here right now. Just get in your car and we'll see you in 14 hours.
Me: I don't think that's going to happen.
Mike: And Melissa says to pick up some orange juice on the way here. No pulp.

:: Enough is Enough ::

Okay, things are getting a little bit, I don't know, out of control, I guess you could say, for lack of a better word. And by out of control, I'm referring to the bashing/mocking/making fun of each other we've all been doing lately. Between message boards on two or three different sports pools, to everyone's blogs, to the comment section on my blog, it's clear that there are simply too many available mediums for people, myself included, to get their shots in.

Now, I'm not necessarily saying it's bad - I think it's entertaining, fun, and hilarious. I find myself constantly checking around to see who's mouthed off lately. But my point being, it's a little bit much - for me anyways. It seems like I rarely have normal conversations anymore - If I'm not bashing someone on a blog or message board, I'm defending myself or someone else, or I'm encouraging someone to write something. And the rare time that I'm not doing any of those things, I'm usually thinking about doing it.

As hilarious as it all is, I don't have the time or energy to constantly be thinking up witty banter for the football message board, or some creative comeback to something Mike has said about me*. It's not that I don't appreciate a wicked burn, because I do, and God knows Mike has thrown his fair share my way, but I'm just not doing it anymore. Well, not as much anyways. If I'm kicking mike's ass at basketball or hockey one week, you'd better believe I'm going to let him know. But other than that, I'd just rather spend my time having normal conversations with people, rather than trying to mock them. **


* Note: Mike, I did write a kick ass poem for Melissa. Much, much better than yours, just ask her. But I didn't post it because I didn't think it needed to be commented on by Al and the rest of the peanut gallery.

**Note: I may grow tired of this 'no mocking people' idea, so I reserve the right to take back everything I said and be as much of an ass as I previously was.

Not even half a day after I bestowed blogging's greatest honour upon Mike (read earlier posts for details) he goes and makes me look bad on his own blog. Real nice, Mike. Real nice.

The thing is, it's not that I wouldn't write a poem for Melissa, but that I couldn't write one. There are two reasons for this: 1) I have limited poetic ability, and 2) I didn't have much time before I had to go to work.

Maybe when I get some time I will write one, and believe me, it will be great. But I don't think that a simple poem could do Melissa justice anyways, so that's my other reason for refraining from poetry.

Muhahahaha! MUAHAahhahah! MUAUAUAHAHAHAHAH!

From Gatorade

Sometimes I dream
That he is me
You've got to see that's how I dream to be
I dream I move, I dream I groove
Like Mike
If I could Be Like Mike
Like Mike
Oh, if I could Be Like Mike
Be Like Mike, Be Like Mike
Again I try
Just need to fly
For just one day if I could
Be that way
I dream I move
I dream I groove
Like Mike
If I could Be Like Mike
I wanna be, I wanna be
Like Mike
Oh, if I could Be Like Mike

Alright you bunch of clowns (excluding some of you)

Clearly the idea of posting comments on my blog was too much mental stimulation for one day, so to quote a certain friend of mine - "take it easy." Also, if you read the comments, I assume that Al doesn't "love" me, so whoever is posting with his name, I hate to break it to you, but I've seen through your clever rouse. Funny? Maybe, but don't fill up the comment box with assanine gibberish.

Like Meghan mentioned, it's not an msn conversation, it's a comments box. Post whatever - Just do me a favour and don't be a retard, or I'll turn this car around and go right home! Actually, I'd just delete the comment, but you get my point.

**Edit: Due to Mike's ability to post funny, coherant, precise, non-retarded comments, he has now been awarded, by this blog, the title of Privileged Poster. This will be the only time I will ever say this, but some of you should try and be more like Mike. The only time I'll ever say that. Ever.

I have added a new comments section to this site. You can now add your say to every single post on this site. I reccommend making use of it, it'll be cool.

Ever get that feeling that you are actually getting somewhere, actually making progress, only to figure out soon after that you really haven't made any progress at all, and you are still at square 1?

That's how I feel right now. Not really sure why, either. I guess it's a combination of things, not the least of which is work.

Ah well, I'm sure it'll pass. Nevermind.

:: ADVICE ::

Me, talking to Ian on Messenger, trying to convince him to ask out this girl that he likes....

Me: Just ask her out then, man.
Ian: I'm too much of a chickenshit, I'm used to just picking up drunk sluts.
Me: Trust me, just suck it up and do it, you don't want to miss your chance.
Ian: Yeah, you're right.
Me: So does this girl live in your building?
Ian: Yeah, down the hall.
Me: Well I'm going to go make some hot chocolate, that'll take like three minutes. So by the time I get back, you'd better have asked her out.
[a few minutes pass]
Me: I'm back, so did you go talk to her yet?
Ian: Oh yeah, we already had sex and I then I kicked her out. Now I'm reading emails.

And then, just minutes later, our conversation got even more serious...

Ian: Be right back, I'm going to make some beefaroni.
Me: Alright.
Ian: Hey, do you think that Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meat balls is better then beefaroni?
Me: No, beefaroni's where it's at dude, make that instead.
Ian: Yeah, okay. Be right back again.

Okay, maybe it didn't get so serious after all. But it's clear that I'm great at giving out advice.
Spaghetti and meat balls...please, gimme a break.

:: SCENES FROM THE BAR ::

While some terrible Beyonce song played in the background...

Ken: Ah, I fuckin' hate this song.
Laura: Really? Me and Jessica always thought this is the song you dance naked to in front of the bathroom mirror.
Ken: The only thing I do when I'm naked in front of a mirror is say 'Damn, that's big."
Me: Oh, you too eh?

While playing some gun-shooting, deer-hunting video game...

Me:(after reloading the gun at an astounding speed) Wow, I shot a lot of bullets.
Laura: Didn't your hand get sore from reloading that quickly?
Me: No, I live by myself and don't have a girlfriend - my right hand is the strongest muscle in my entire body.

Ah yes, I'm a real comedian.

"I have to take my contacts out but I can't find my pants." - Melissa [1:29 a.m]

Ah, the drunk dial.

Good times.

I was getting my hair cut this morning, and while I was there I was talking to this older guy, who I assumed was the owner of the place. I assumed this because he was opening the cash register and handling the money. So he was either the owner, or he was robbing the place.

Owner: So you work at the paper eh? Reporters don't seem to stay there for very long.
Me: Yeah, there's a lot of turnover lately with people leaving for bigger jobs. Eventually I'd like to get back to Vancouver, but I'm happy here for now.
Owner: You'd be surprised by how many people I hear say that, but then end up staying in Peace River forever.

Peace River. Forever.

God help me.

Mike and I are discussing who would be victorious in a duel between the two of us. Why are we dueling in the first place, you may wonder? Well, my blog-reading friends, we are dueling for the overexaggerated-internet-conversation-love of Ms. Melissa White. Here is an abridged version of our argument:

Mike: You simply cannot compete with my devious tactics.
Nick: I'd still kick your ass.
Mike: As if. I'd have the power of Papp on my side, which you foolishly bestowed upon me. In your unwitting ways you have sealed your doom.
Nick: That's okay, I'll have fish guy on my side!
Mike: Fish guy? Who, Seabass? aka Alan Bass? Dude, you can HAVE Alan Bass, what's he going to do, wave a textbook at me?
(pause)
Mike: No, wait. He'd be great in a fight! As soon as things get tough...he'd resign!

*zing!*

Score: Mike 1. Alan 0. (Nick 7)

For those people I've talked to on messenger recently, they know I frequently go offline because my internet connection craps out. Well, this is what I'm blaming it on : Apparently communications are being disrupted by forces from beyond our planet. Seriously.

Some kind of solar flare type thing has been spewed from the sun, and is hurtling towards earth at an incredible speed.

Somebody better call Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck.

I just heard college football's dumbest announcer. It's the Alabama-Tennessee game, and it's only 3-0 Alabama in the first half.

Announcer: I dont want to be overly dramatic or anything, but this is going to be a huge play for Alabama. actually, it may be the most important play of the whole season.

First of all, its only 3-0 early in the game. How the fuck can it be the most important play of the year. Save a phrase like that for when the team is in a Bowl game.

Alabama then screwed up on the play

Announcer: Well that's alright, they can fight back from that. It's not a huge deal for (insert quaterbacks name).

Yep, play of the year all right. Real important stuff.

Idiot.

"There's nothing happening this week! Nick, go make some fuckin' news. Go start a fire on the street. The fire department is right across the road, it'll be fine. Then go rob the pharmacy and streak down main street. Just do it. And hurry up, we've got deadlines here man." - Ken, on a slow news day

Conversation I overheard at work today...

Shelly: Have you tried that stuff, broccolini?
Marie: Yeah, its good. It's a cross between broccoli and cauliflower.
Shelly: Then why is it called broccolini? What's with the 'ini' ? Shouldn't it be broccoflower or something?

I've written a new View from the Bench column called "Curse you and the Goat you rode in on." Go read it.

Today, my friends, is Mike's birthday. Now, I haven't really known Mike that long - about a year - but in that short time he's become one of my best friends, despite the fact that to the casual observer it would appear that we hate each other. While it's true that we go to great lengths to drive each other crazy, we never seen to do it. Not in a bad way, anyhow. It's sort of weird, but cool at the same time. I have Mike to thank for many things - not the least of which is the obnoxious crow outside my window. Those things include Space Ghost, Strong Bad, bad punk songs, Men in Hats, and any number of cartoons or comics that distract me from actually doing something productive. In fact, it's because of Mike that I have this blog that you are reading right now. So, on this day, Oct. 13th, I would just like to say: Happy Birthday Mike, you big jackass.

Ken: Me and Nick are playing road hockey after work.
Jessica: You are? Well did you even ask him if he wanted to first?
Ken: I don't have to ask him, I'm his boss.

an excerpt from Mike's Blog....

"The max was fun, there was one point where me and Melissa were trying to dance, but something, I think it was the sight of a guy who would make the perfect man for someone WITH NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHATSOEVER (inside joke), made us collapse with laughter, completely unable to dance any longer."

The first inside joke from Kamloops (that I've heard of) that I am not a part of.

I feel so alone.*




*Okay, so not really.

Warning, here comes another post about sports. Normally I'd post this in my sports blog but I never know if anyone reads that or not, so I'm posting it here instead.

Being in Peace River with little to no social life to speak of, I've taken to watching playoff baseball. Lots of it. On Saturday I watched 3 games back-to-back-to-back. I normally don't watch a lot of baseball on T.V, only if the Blue Jays or occasionally the Mariners are playing. But this is different. These are the most exciting ball games I've ever witnessed - 9th inning comebacks, one run leads, bases loaded bunts, it's fantastic. Now two of "my teams" are out - the Twins and the A's. But the Cubs are still in it, so I'll keep watching. Hell, if the games keep it up like this I'd watch if it was the Yomiuri Giants vs. Danny Almonte's little league team. But this one article I found describes it perfectly - give it a read if you've been as addicted to the games as i have. Or even if you're just interested in the resurgence of a true American institution - Baseball.

Today, sadly, hockey player Dan Snyder passed away from injuries suffered in a car accident. I've written an editorial on the whole situation on my blog, View from the Bench. You can read it here.

I know I've posted recently about the noise in my apartment. But today there has only been one train and a few police sirens, so nothing major. Until about two hours ago, when a big crow decided to perch itself on a telephone pole about halfway up the hill by my window, just between my apartment and the highway. And the thing with this crow is that HE WON'T SHUT UP! He just sits there cawing away, and just when I think he is going to be quiet, he starts up again.

Caw. Caw.


Thankfully, he has, after close to two hours, just flown away.

And this wasn't some "stately raven of the saintly days of yore" who is gently tapping at my chamber door, Edgar Allen Poe style. This damn bird was driving me insane in a completely different way. In a sort of Mike kind of way - he's just relentless.

This bird, who I named Eng, has taken his human namesake's place on my list of people I despise*. He is my mortal foe.

In the time that it has taken me to write this post, Eng has returned. To a closer pole.

Caw. Caw.

Damn bird.



Note: For those unfamilar with Mike's and my friendship, I don't really despise him.

I may have mentioned before that my apartment is right down the hill from the highway, just a stones throw away. I can also see, from my living room window, train tracks. Usually, I rarely notice they're there, and despite being next to both the highway and train tracks, it's surprisingly quiet here, especially at night. But not today. Holy crap has it been loud-- Big trucks rumbling down the road, cars screeching, and 6 trains (yes, 6!!!!) It's crazy, and reminded me of some lines from the live version of a Tragically Hip song, Highway Girl.

In between singing parts, Gord Downie shouts out a monologue/story about a girl to the audience.

She got an apartment where the property was cheap
Next to the freeway
She says 'I save lots of money
But l lose lots of sleep
In my apartment
where the property's cheap.'


Whoever that girl in the story is, I know how she feels.


*note: speaking of music, I bought new Dave Matthews today and it's fuckin' rad.

Meghan: I want an office where people feel free to spank their monkeys."

Ken: Nick, I can't take it anymore, I'm going for a damn walk.
me: Alright, go nuts. Why are you taking your keys?
Ken: I'm driving.
me: Okay then, enjoy your walk.

Dayna: Ken, you better not hire a retard for a news reporter.
Ken: Well I hired Nick didnt I?
Dayna: Well Nick hasn't done anything to me to prove he's a retard.
Ken: Well he hates the Oilers.
Dayna: I said he wasn't a retard, I never said he wasnt stupid.

"There are a lot of natives here, but if a black person or somebody else comes to town its like, big news. This is about the whitest town in Canada." - Ken, my editor.

"First rule here - don't listen to anything anybody says." - Ken

Today was my first day of qausi-work. Really all it consisted of was frightening the community news reporter Kristy, getting a quick tour of the office, going for a beer with the editor and one of the receptionist who is actually the editor's fiancee. Then I quickly met the junior 'B' hockey coach before getting a whirlwind tour of Peace River. Tomorrow, Sunday, is another quick day of work - midget hockey game at 12:30 then write about it, and possibly a column - nothing major. Then Monday is a layout day - and the real reporting starts on Tuesday I suppose. Kristy, the community reporter, is leaving at the end of the week, leaving the community news to be covered by Ken and I, which I guess is okay, although I can't even remember the last time I wrote a hard news story - I guess I'll have to take the shrinkwrap off all those textbooks from Shawn Thompson's classes. Or maybe I'll just wing it.

Ken is a very cool guy - he's about 26 or 27, and likes Matthew Good, The Goonies, and Film Festival-type movies. And then there is Jessica, his fiancee, who is from the Lower Mainland, dislikes the cold as much as I do, and loves the Canucks. We'll get along just fine.

**edit: Day 2**

Today was monday, production day. And as such, there wasn't much for me to do. I finished up my first column - it was basically an intro-type column saying "Hello town, this is who I am." Not very exciting. Then I wrote a story (that my editor called "Wicked") about the midget AAA hockey game I went to on Sunday afternoon. At first, when I heard "midget game" i assumed it was just another crappy minor hockey game - but I was wrong. Midget AAA hockey in Alberta is big business - teams have fancy, glossy schedules, their own permanent dressing room in the rink, greyhound buses for roadtrips. Crazy stuff.

Everyone in the office is pretty nice, although they all gave me flak about the Canucks flag I pinned to my wall beside my desk.

"Canucks? What the hell is this? Welcome to Alberta!" - Deb, the publisher.

So that was basically my day. And in a few minutes I'm off to some tiny town called Weberville to take a quick grip-and-grin photo of some firefighters. Bo-ring.

originally written on friday afternoon...

:: I, the suburbanite ::

I'm currently driving down highway 49, just inside Alberta, and not too far past Dawson Creek. I've got the laptop sitting on my lap. It won't be long now before we get to Peace River. I'm not sure what I think of the whole thing. Up until a few hours ago this little trip felt just like a vacation - but it's obviously not. I'm the only one not coming back. This part of the country seems nice enough - but it will take some getting used to. No mountains, no ocean, no big cities. It's just fields and yellow-leaved trees.

There are some people who classify themselves as country-folk. I count my grandpa among them - he's driving ahead of us right now and really seems to love this area - he wants to come back with his trailer and canoe. There are other people who are more big city folk - bright lights, big buildings, traffic. I don't count myself as one of these people. I love Vancouver but still could never see myself living right downtown. No, I decided somewhere along this trip, I am neither country nor city. I'm a surburbanite. And I love it. There are a lot of people I know, most actually, who's goal it is to get far away from whatever city or town it is that they currently are in. I never fully understood why that is, although I suppose the allure of a big exciting place like L.A, New York or London would draw more than a fair share of people to it. But as much as I'd one day like to visit far off places, I really have no desire to live there. Call me a simple guy if you want, call me afraid of change too if you feel like it, but I know what I like. And I'll probably spend the next few months or years trying to get back there.

But for now, it's off to the North on some great adventure of my own. It may not have the allure of an L.A, New York or London, but it'll have to do for now. Until I can get back to whatever city or town it is that I formerly was in.

:: A Birthday, A Wedding and a Dicey Drive Home ::

"I'm the president of the Nick Fan club right now." - Spigs

I can't believe I survived the weekend. As with most weekends, this one started on Friday. And in true j-school fashion, it started early. We started drinking at around 4 o'clock and then headed to Montana's for dinner around 5 - there was nine of us - me, Melissa, Meghan, Mark, Silv, John, Nathan, Al and Tara.

Dinner was pretty good - and Melissa got to fulfill what must've been a lifelong dream of wearing a moose antler hat. She didn't look that impressed, but it was a damn classy look, I won't lie to ya.

After dinner we went back to Meghan and Melissa's and drank for awhile before hitting the bars - well, it turned out to be one bar because the damn River's lineup was incredibly huge and slow. And by slow I mean completely stopped.

Also, around the time of the bar hopping Mike showed up, fresh off a bus from Vancouver with nothing but the clothes on his back and a bottle of gin and O.J. Mike, I applaud your determination to come and drink - very impressive.

Over the course of the night, and the ensuing drive home I learned the following things:

1. Regardless of whether Mike is in town or far away, he still manages to be a pain in the ass.
2. Meghan is an excellent cake decorator
3. I am the greatest, quickest driver of highway #5 that ever lived (2hrs 29mins from Kamloops to Langley)
4. Thanks to Hunter's course planning, Melissa now has a 2 hour block everyday of "Fisting herself Home" whatever that means.

So Melissa's birthday was a good one, but I must admit, I didn't get as drunk there as I did at my cousin Tracy's wedding. Must have something to do with the open bar concept. Or maybe not, it's just a thought. The wedding was very nice, as weddings go. And the reception was great. Me,Chris and my cousin Jen's boyfriend Dave, and this other guy Daniel were enlisted to help my mom set up some decorations at the reception, which was no problem because it only took about 15 minutes. Then we spent the next hour and a half before the party started drinking beer on the balcony watching everyone get their pictures taken down below us.

Because of that, we were a few rounds ahead of the rest of the party-goers, and we continued that trend right until 1 o'clock, despite Dave's claims that he only had "Two drinks, thats it."

So now the bride and groom are off to California for two weeks, and I'm off now to watch football, as hungover as I am.

Further preparing for my move to Peace River, I bought a new computer today - a Compaq laptop. It's awesome. I got a huge discount on it because a friend of mine, Neil, is the assistant manager at Staples, where I bought it. It's even got this built in wireless internet connection thing in it so if I'm within 300 feet or so of any wireless internet connection, I'll connect to the 'net sans cords, wires or actually paying to connect. It's kinda cool.

Anyways, on a far less nerdish topic, this weekend is going to be one big party, with a short interval to go to church on saturday afternoon. And no, I won't be going to church on Saturday to repent for anything I may or may not do on Friday ;), although depending on how drunk I get, that may not be a bad idea. No, in fact, the church visit is for my cousin Tracy's wedding. Everyone in my family is pretty excited about it and happy for her, as they should be.

But before this whole wedding business there is birthday business. More specifically, Melissa's birthday. I'm going to Kamloops tomorrow, and I expect that Friday will be a shit show filled with drinking, partying and all forms of debauchery.

It's gonna be great.

Jeremy, determined to see what boobs look like in 51'' high defination...

Jeremy: Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go home, turn on the giant 51" T.V and see if I can find any naked boobs. They'll look huge!
Me: Dude, it's Sunday night, you aren't going to find any porn.
Jeremy: Hey, I might find some. There's a good chance.
Me: What, you think there might be some leftover porn from Saturday night T.V that they just couldn't fit into the schedule so they just try and sneak it in on Sunday?
Jeremy: Yeah, it'll be on those TLC learning type channels and they'll try and disguise it as some kind of educational show.
Nick: Oh yeah, like "Trading Spaces.....and sex!!"
Jeremy: (laughing uncontrollably) Yeah, exactly!

Well now that I have a job I decided to spend a bunch of my money. In the last few days I've bought Melissa's birthday present, a bunch of warmer clothes for up north, some beer, and a new video game for my PS2 - ESPN Hockey. It is absolutely sweet, once I got the hang of it. The best part of the game? There are classic teams, including...the 1994 Vancouver Canucks!!! It's one of the main reasons I bought the game, because in my opinion the '94 Canucks are the greatest team ever. Or at least the greatest Canucks' team ever.

So if anyone's looking for me I'll probably be parked in front of my playstation, scoring goals with Greg Adams, Geoff Courtnall and Murray Craven.

:: Peace Out ::

"Well, welcome to Bowes, anything goes here.....you'll see." - Dustin, after I told him about the job.

After two days of thinking, I've decided to take the sports reporter job in Peace River, because, as my former j-school classmate and Omega editor Neal Pobran told me yesterday, "Just take the fucker. You aren't that talented so it's the best you're gonna get." Such heartfelt advice Neal, thanks.

News travels fast in the j-school program, which I suppose makes sense, and I've had many friends offer their advice, which I appreciated. There were people who told me to think hard about it and do what I feel is best for me (Melissa, Meghan), there were those who made fun of how far north, and in turn how cold, Peace River will be (Jeremy), there were those people who just told me to take the damn job (Silv, Shaun) and then there were certain people who threatened me with "merciless beatings and excessive gnomings" (Mike).

And judging by his silence on the matter, I can sort of tell there are those people who don't particularly want to see me go anywhere (Chris). And to be honest, I don't want to move either, but I'm not really in a position right now to be turning away jobs.

Also, as I was in the decision process I was reading this book called Moneyball. It's a book about professional baseball, but there was one paragraph I read last night that I applied to me:

"No matter how successful you are, change is always good. There can never be a status quo. When you have no money you can't afford long term solutions, only short term ones. You have to always be upgrading. Otherwise you're fucked."

I don't know that change is always good, but I have no money and no experience so I suppose I can classify this as a short-term solution. It sure as hell will not be a long term one. After all, I can't afford to be fucked.

But still, I can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't be going. I don't know why that is because I need a job. But when I had to make the call this morning, it took me like 20 minutes to pick up the phone. I guess time will tell. I start on Sept. 29.

"If I curled my entire body into a ball it still wouldn't be as big as that guy's ass." - Doug.

It's been an eventful last couple of days and I don't really even know where to start. Saturday was Kyle's stag party, which was great - golfing, BBQ, then drinking. I had a killer headache and left by midnight, but it was fun nonetheless. Then I spent the rest of the weekend, plus today, at Doug's place watching football, playing video games and playing with his new dog, Jade.

So I've been busy this weekend. However, it hasn't all been good news. There were certain conflicts between people that I heard about which made me feel bad because I never like seeing people sad, angry, hurt or all three at once. It's just not cool. But I'm not there and it's really none of my business so I'll say no more on the subject except to say I hope eventually everything works itself out. But anyways....

This morning I got a job offer - In Peace River writing sports for the Record-Gazette. As happy as I am to finally have a job opportunity, it means moving away, so I'm still on the fence about it. I'll decide by thursday. It would be nice to finally have some money again, although in Peace River I can't imagine what I'd spend it on.

So that has been the last few days. Filled with ups, downs and indecision for a lot of people, not just myself. Here's hoping everyone makes the right choices.

"It's a meat shoppe during the day and a bar at night." - Mike, talking in his sleep while on the phone with Melissa.

I just got home from Kamloops, where I went for the long weekend. It was really great to see everyone again, which was the entire point of going in the first place. I slept at Mike's house for the most part, although we spent most of the time during the day at Meghan and Melissa's new place, which is considerably nicer than their last. Everyone was busy getting into school-mode - buying books, organizing schedules, building desks, but despite all that busy-ness we still had plenty of time to hang out.

I'll admit it, it felt a little strange to be around all my friends as they got prepared for another year at UCC and I didn't need to. At times, especially at the Omega office, it really felt like I was still in school. And while I admit it would be nice to be in the same town as Mike, Melissa, Meghan and the rest of 'em, I won't miss the assignments. Or the homework. Or the general chaos caused by too many assignments at once.

Things also seemed a bit odd because there were quite a few changes around town. For starters of course, Meghan and Melissa are in a different apartment, and since I made about 10,000 trips to their old place last year, it's sometimes tough to remember that I've got to drive a different direction now - I only made the mistake once, but I cleverly disquised my mistake as "the scenic route." Clever indeed. Also, at UCC there are all kinds of new things - a lot of new places to eat, new (stupid) parking lots, and a door on the second floor of the AE building that now leads to certain death and/or unrecognizable maiming.

But then again, no matter how many trees burn down, or how many new parking spots they add at the college, some things in Kamloops never change. Meghan and Melissa's hair might be a bit shorter, but for the most part everyone looked and acted the same as ever - Mike, Shaun and I were up until all hours of the night recording the radio show, Melissa regaled us with gross ("funny") email forwards she'd recieved from Sharon, Silv was worrying about...well, the things that Silv usuallly worries about, and Meghan was her usual awesome self except for a new dedication to school (I give it til Friday :P ) And Al was just Al. Like Melissa said, we're all just a bunch of goons. Always have been, probably always will be.

It may have only been a few days, but it was good to be back.

"I have the I.Q of chicken."

"A bowl of mayonaise is probably smarter than me."

- Bucholtz finally realizes what we all had suspected for years.

Tonight we had a going away party for Ian. It was excellent. Now that we all said our goodbyes we realized what an absolutely killer summer this was. I don't think I've ever drank so much.

This week is going to be a bittersweet one for me. First of all, everyone is back in Kamloops now and getting settled in, except for Mike, who was already settled in from having lived there for the last 20 years. And now that everyone is back in one place I'm going up there to hang out for the weekend, which rocks. I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone.

Also I did some more freelance work this week and found out that BC Hockey Now will soon owe me $340 bucks, which is very good.

However, this week is also sort of a downer because Ian leaves again for UNBC on Friday morning. Last year it didn't suck quite as much because I was leaving too, but now that I'm not I'm kinda bummed that I won't see him again until Christmas. I don't totally know what I'll do to keep busy once he leaves, because Ian is the one friend of mine in Langley who I can consistently call and end up do nothing with but still having a decent time. Our conversations typicallly go like this:

Ian: What's up?
Me: absolutely fuckin' nothing.
Ian: same here.
Me: wanna come over?
Ian: what are we gonna do?
Me: probably nothing.
Ian: Okay.

Inevitably, this "doing nothing" usually leads to drinking, which we've been doing a lot of the last few weeks. It's quite ridiculous actually, and this week will be no different. Which is the one good thing about Ian leaving - it gives us a reason to drink excessively and party all week long. Not that we ever needed an excuse before.

So it'll be week of up-and-downs. But mostly ups, because it'll be a fun few days until Ian leaves, and then after that, a fun few days in the 'loops. It'll just be the short time in between that will kind of suck, but that's okay, to be honest I'm getting sick of that punk Ian anyways. He's kind of a dick.

Adios Forbesy, have a good time in PG.

I'm having one of those days.

One of those days where I'm stressed and angry and all I feel like doing is getting into my car and driving far far away to somewhere like Mexico or California or somewhere. Far away from classified ads, job posting websites, worrying parents and instructions cleverly disquising themselves as advice. I just can't take the constant pressure and the conversations I've already had a million times before. It's just constantly hanging over me and any attempt to get it to go away is quickly thwarted.

The only problem with driving far far away is that gas has reached the staggering price of 88.9. Gas costs money, and in order to have money I need a job. But if I had a job I'd have no reason to drive angrily to Mexico. It's a vicious circle. It just keeps going and going without stopping, which is what makes it vicious. And a circle.

Since driving away to parts unknown isn't really a viable option, here is my contigency plan. I call it "Plan B". Clever eh?

In order to keep my fucking sanity I will no longer talk about jobs or any employment topic with anyone. Well, maybe some people. But my mind needs a break from it. People (who know who you are), don't even send me jobs anymore unless it is absolutely the best job possible. (also, mike, this message isnt for you. you can keep sending me whatever weird and/or relevent jobs you'd like)

Thank you for listening to my meandering and angry rant. That is all.

Just a quick note: The Tragically Hip's most recent music video for "The Darkest One" is their best video they've ever done, and quite likely, the best video ever in the history of music.

It's stars Don Cherry as a fried chicken delivery guy; the trailer park boys, Gord Downie from the band, and cats. Lots of hungry cats.

So sit your ass in front of MuchMoreMusic all damn day until it comes on. Or if you don't have as much free-time as me, just download it of Kazaa or something.

Best video ever.

This post brought to you by the word plab, which, according to Meghan Low, is the "new, hip word."

Well I spent the majority of my time this weekend drinking. Jeremy has his house to himself for a few weeks so we went drinking there on friday, then again on saturday. Oh, and me and Ian also stopped by on thursday for a few beers. Okay, a case of beer. But who's counting?

Friday was pretty fun - not a whole lot of people, just the usual crew plus the girls from Delta. I didn't get that drunk, because we started late (11:00) but still drunk enough to not remember talking to Mike on MSN at 4 o'clock in the morning.

Al stopped by on saturday afternoon, on his long trip from Port Alberni to his eventual destination - Prince George. We went out for a beer before he had to continue on his way. It was nice seeing him again, even if it was brief. The rest of the night was basically a blur, but drinking a 26 of rye will do that to ya.

And I spent the majority of my Sunday recovering from Saturday. On Sunday morning around 6 I woke up and got sick. Then I drove home at 9:30, and was basically sick non-stop until 6 oclock at night. with occasional breaks to sleep. I'm feeling a bit better now, but not much. I think my liver needs a break.

Which figures, since Nick is always wrong, a fact I try to remind him of continually every day.

by the way Nick, your archives work now. So any verbal retaliation on your behalf is instantly forfeited out of gratitude to me.

referring to my "That time again" post......

My body must think it's time for school again too. It's 1:30 AM and I'm nowhere near tired, it's just like I'm back in the 'loops. Mike and I have spent the last while re-reading old blogs and laughing our asses off about moments from the last year. It's been hilarious, and kind of gets us pumped for another year of good times, whether I'm there all the time or not.

The whole re-reading blogs started when I mentioned to Mike that I didn't think I had as many interesting stories to tell as some people do. But after reading the blog archives, I think I was wrong.

Stealing an idea from Mike, who in turn stole it from two of his friends...a survey.

:: That Time Again ::

I got the first taste of one of my favourite times of year last night. It was kind of cold and damp out, the kind of weather you can expect in October, right before it really starts getting wintery. It was sort of foggy out, and you could smell the rain on the grass. It reminded me of the Fall, and I don't know why I like that feeling so much, but I do. It also reminded me that it was the end of summer, which for years meant time to go back to school.

But not this year.

My mind is mistakenly in the back to school mode. The other day I found myself thinking "Alright, soon everyone will be back in Kamloops." Then I realized that it really makes no difference for me because I won't be. I'm not complaining, I like being here and it'll be even better once I get a job (hopefully Sept. 1st working for the city) But it's a very unusual feeling not to have to go back to school. And for the first time ever I realized I might actually might miss school.*shudder*
And I've been so busy this summer just hanging out with Chris, Ian, Jeremy and Sean that I haven't had time to realize how much I missed all the j-school posse. I guess I'll have to make a few trips to the 'loops. At least I'll get to see everyone all at once.

As much fun as I've had these last 4 months, I've had just about enough of my unemployed summer. Bring on the Fall- full of employment, bad weather, and lots of friends only three hours away.

Marcus: Hey, those girls are pretty hot.
Me: They're a little bit young dude.
Marcus: Yeah but I'm American, with the exchange rate it all works out.

I've been spending the majority of this week hanging out with my good buddy Marcus, who flew in from Ohio for a hockey camp. It's been pretty cool having him around since I don't get to see him very often, although he was here in May. Usually it's about once a year, and now that he's relocated from California to Ohio to play hockey, he's even farther away. it's been a fun but somewhat low key week. Since it's now officially hockey season for him, he doesn't drink or do a lot of partying so we watched a lot of good movies this week instead. On Tuesday we saw American Wedding, which was funny, as expected. Although I didn't like it as much as the first two I still thought it was really good. I had a few problems with it, but I won't speak of them now, as I know most of this blog's regular readers haven't seen the movie yet.

Then yesterday we went and saw Pirates of the Caribbean, WHICH WAS WICKED!!! I had heard it was good, but it was even better than I thought it would be. I don't know, maybe I just like pirates. Tonight, having significantly less cash than the previous days, we just sat around the house and watched Gangs of New York on DVD. I'd seen it once before and it just gets better every time.

Also, on an unrelated topic, I still get to write for BC Hockey Now despite my move from Kamloops back to the Lower Mainland. While the Blazer's beat will be taken over by fellow UCC'er Matt Silver, it looks like I'll be on the BCHL scene this year, at least a little bit. Right now I'm working on season previews for 4 teams, and some of my articles, notes and quotes will probably by in the 2003/04 BCHL Guidebook as well, which I'm excited about.

:: BEER, BREAKDOWNS, AND CREDIT CARD THEFT ::

or

How I spent my August long weekend

Let me bring everyone up to speed regarding the good, the bad, and the ugly of the last few days. First of all, the good:

This weekend I went with Chris and Sean on a rafting/camping trip near Princeton. The rafting and the camping and the drinking was all wicked. Lots of good food, lots of beer. It was a rowdy, drunken couple of days and we all had a great time. However, the great time notwithstanding, it was a hell of an ordeal just to get to the campsite.

Originally we wanted to leave by 9:00 AM so we'd get there by noon at the latest. However, we were all hungover and tired from a party at Sean's place the night before, so we were a little late. We finally left at about 10:30. Then, by Chilliwack Sean, who was driving, was starting to fall asleep. A quick trip to a gas station to buy Jolt cola and sandwiches and we were on our way again.....for awhile. Just a few miles inside Manning Park Sean's car lost all power and we quickly went from cruising at 110 km/h to stalled on the side of the Hope/Princeton Highway. Now, what's frustrating about this, is that Sean's car is almost brand new with only 8,000 Km's on it.

To top it all off, none of our cell phones were within service range. So there we sat, stranded, and nobody would stop and help us out, despite the signs/pleas-for-help we had stuck on the back of Sean's car. In 2.5 hours, only 2 people stopped. Then finally a cop came and got us a tow truck. Sean has a Honda roadside assistance package so the tow truck was free - but he would only tow to a Honda Dealer....in chilliwack. So he took the car to chilliwack while the 3 of us sat, with all our camping stuff, at a gas station waiting for help to arrive. Help came about 45 minutes later when my dad and Grandpa came and brought us a car. Luckily for us, my parents were a short distance away in Harrison, visiting my Grandparents. So we were finally on our way, turning a 3 hour trip into a 7 hour one. But it was worth it because it was a fun weekend.

Then today happened. My brother lost his wallet, including his credit card. Somebody found the card and proceeded to use it 11 times at places like Petro-Canada, Pizza Hut, and 7-Eleven. I would've bought more expensive stuff, but apparently this guy's a moron. Soon though, he'll be a moron with a black eye and no bike to ride. Let me explain....

After finding out where he used the card, my mom and brother did some detective work, and after talking with people at many of the places the card was used, they now have a description of the thief. And the people at the Shell gas station near my house mentioned he rides his bike there every morning to get a coffee. So that's where me and Chris will be tomorrow. Now, we aren't going to beat the hell out of him, as much as we'd love to, because this isn't worth getting arrested for or anything stupid. We just want to get a look at the guy and maybe scare him a bit. I also want to steal the thief's bike, just for fun. Stealing from a thief....Ah, the irony. I'll keep you posted if anything happens.

:: BREAKING NEWS ::

My former place of residence, the wonderful town of Kamloops, is on fire. Well, not the whole town, but certain parts of it. Thankfully, Mike is right on top of the situation, and has sacrificed sleep in order to get pictures and video. Go to his dailydeco page for more information.

It's hot here. And not just regular hot. Or even fuckin' hot. It's fry-an-egg-on-my-goddamn-forehead hot.

Now, I'm not necessarily complaining, because it's very nice out, but I don't really handle the heat all that well. And as much as I like the beautiful weather, I've come to the conclusion that miserable, cold winters aren't all that bad. I know that may be hard for some people to believe, especially sun-lovers like Melissa, but I like winter. (note: I like Vancouver winters, not necessarily winters north of the Vancouver region)

Anyways, usually when it's this hot I just lie around and don't really take advantage of the summer. It's too hot to do anything is my usual response to anything. But not this year. Nope, by accident or design, I've been doing a lot more summer-ish things than normal. And it's been sweet.

I've been camping in the sun at the Merritt Music Fest and this weekend I'm going rafting. Also, I've done my fair share of beer-drinking on sunny patios. And the other day me and Ian took his dad's air-conditioned car down to Stanley Park for the day and then we went for some beers (Come to think of it, most of my cool summer experiences have involved beer. Oh well, it's probably just a coincedence.) And tommorrow I'm going to a Vancouver Canadians baseball game and I'm going pay seven dollars for three bucks worth of beer while heckling minor league ballplayers from the cheap seats.

Not a bad way to beat the heat if you ask me (and most people do).

Maybe I like summer more than I thought.

Jeremy on beer...

Jeremy: This is how I look at it. In the wild, if there's a herd of buffalo, the weaker, slower buffalo get killed off. And if the herd losses all the slow, weak ones, it makes itself stronger as a whole. Now, everyone knows that beer kills brain cells. But I think that beer only kills the slow, weak brain cells, which then makes my brain stronger, just like all the buffalo.

Nick: Then how do you explain the battery shoved up your nose.

:: Merritt Mountain Music Festival ::

PART 3: NICKNAMES

Over the course of the week, some people acquired some nicknames that I just felt like mentioning.

Chris: The Show.

Chris got this name after bonging about 15 beers in one day. After doing one, Dave said to him, "People should buy tickets to this, you're a show."

Chris (nickname #2): Bonger.

This guy we met, who himself had a nickname (He introduced himself as "Hayseed"), introduced Chris to everyone as "Bonger".

Jeremy: Tan Jacket.

While wearing the tan coloured cowboy jacket he borrowed from his dad, he did two bongs on Sunday night consisting of a combination of beer, fireball whiskey, and rum and coke. Anyone who saw him do it would always yell "Hey tan jacket" when they saw him around the festival.

Nick: Thumper.

Now let me tell you how this (stupid) name evolved. On Tuesday one of us was reading the festival program and it mentioned a Lumberjack Challenge, in which one event was called Speed Bucking. I thought that whoever said it said "Speed fucking" to which I replied, "Speed fucking? I'd be good at that," simultaneously insulting myself badly for the sake of a laugh, and also giving myself a nickname - Speedfucker. A little while later, the previously mentioned Hayseed showed up and warped the nickname to Sheepfucker, which I didn't really like. Then to spare me anymore embarassment, he retired the name Sheepfucker and renamed me "Thumper" for some reason. It was a better name than the first two, although I unfortunately thumped nothing all week.

:: Merritt Mountain Music Festival ::

PART 2: THE QUOTES

*note: more quotes may be added as I remember them.

"There's no way I'm sitting here sober!" - Chris, after waiting in the lineup of cars for about 3 minutes.

Me: The Cowboy hat store had no hats that were my size.
Chris: You should've yelled at them.
Steve: No, you should go back there, take a hat, flip it upside down and crap in it. Then hand it back.

Some hot girl (yelling from down the road): I'm looking for Owen!
Fraser: I'm Owen! Over here, I'm Owen!
Some hot girl: You'd better be Owen!
Fraser: I'll be Owen you one in the ass if you don't get over here!

"Take off your tits!" - Chris, and also Jessen, when they meant to say either "take off your shirt" or "Show us your tits"

"Give me a ride asshole!" - Dave, drunk and trying unsuccessfully to get someone to give him a ride up the hill to tent city, rather than walk up the big hill.

"That's awesome!" - Chris and later Dave. All weekend long, this was the answer to anything weird that happened.

Craig: What day is it?
Fraser: It's Sunday morning, time to go.
Craig: What? Isn't it Saturday?
Fraser: No, you passed out last night at 10.
Craig: So it's not still Saturday night?
Fraser: No.

"Fraig! That's the greatest name ever! I'm gonna name my kids that!" - Ian, after combining Fraser and Craig's names together when he was drunk.

"She said 'I'm pregnant' and I said 'I'm movin' to the West Coast," - Fraser, explaining why he moved to B.C from the East (I think Newfoundland).

"Hey guys, I met Andy Moog's daughter. Andy Moog!" - Chris, repeatedly throughout the weekend.

Drunk #1: It's the battery.
Drunk #2: No, it's the solenoid.
Drunk #1: No it isn't, its definately the starter...or maybe the alternator.
(Car starts after getting jump-started)
Drunk #2: I told you it was the battery.

"Jesus Christ, we've got Beavis and Butthead helping us out here, let's just call BCAA." - Chris, in the midst of getting "help" from the aformentioned drunks.

:: Merritt Mountain Music Fest ::

PART 1: AN OVERVIEW

I've just returned home from Merritt where I spent a week in the scorching hot sun drinking my face off and listening to some good country music. It was a wicked week overall - I met tons of cool people, partied with a lot of friends - it was awesome.

The festival could have very easily been called the Dirt Festival, as high winds and dry conditions combined to coat everyone and everything in inches of dirt and dust. It was pretty gross, and my tent was so dusty I basically slept in dirt (and when the cooler spilled, I basically slept in mud).

First of all, here are the cast of characters: Me, Chris, Ian and Jeremy were there first. on Sunday. We waited in line until the gates opened on Monday and we finally got a spot in Tent City around 4 PM on Monday afternoon. On Tuesday, Kyle (my cousin Tracy's fiance) and his friend Neil drove up and the partying officially started. Next up, on Wednesday, came my cousins, Tracy and Jen, Jen's boyfriend Dave, and Tara and Leslie. Also there were two friends of Jen's - Allison and Alicia. On Thursday came the last of the party-ers, Kyle's friends Craig, Fraser, Steve and Sheila.

We spent most of the first few days just hanging out in Tent City, although we went down to the infamous campsite C a few times to check out the craziness - loud music, guys ripping around on Harleys, beer bongs, Wet T-shirt contests and all kinds of debauchery.

:: Beer Bong ::

Speaking of beer bongs, Chris was hitting them hard. There were all kinds of elaborate bongs around the place, and at one time, we had a cool one too, but it sat around uncleaned for months and got moldy. So instead we had to break out a beer bong that Chris and his friends made in like grade 10 - an old, dented 2 litre 7-UP bottle and a piece of stolen garden hose. Compared to other bongs in Merritt, this one was disgraceful. So much in fact, that at first Chris didn't want to even bring out the "ghetto bong" until after it got dark. We all did a few bongs, but on one day, I think it was Wednesday, Chris did about 16 or 17 in one day, then passed out at 2:30 PM and didn't wake up again until 9:00.

Jeremy also made a name for himself with the beer bong while we were still waiting in the lineup on Sunday. He was already pretty drunk, then some people came around with a beer bong and convinced Jeremy to do a few. The first one didn't only have a beer in it, it also had three-quarters of a mickey of Fireball in it. Then, soon after, he did a bong with one beer and a large glass of rum and coke mixed together. He didn't puke, but needless to say, he was done for the rest of the night. However, he was recognized throughout the week by those who saw him on Sunday, and "Hey! It's Tan-Jacket!!" was heard on more than a few occasions.

Also, in an impressive display of beer-bongery was my cousin Tracy. She doesn't drink beer, and refused to do a bong all week. Finally, when he was drunk, Craig offered her $60 to do one. She was worried that she would puke, but she did it very well, and pocketed 60 bucks from a slighty poorer, drunk, Craig.

:: Intensity in Tent City ::

While it was widely known that for partying, Campsite C was the place to be, we did our best to make Tent City a good spot to party. Between us and some people we met from Chilliwack, we partied pretty hard, and it was lots of fun. The partying in Tent City culminated with 2 drunk topless girls making out in our very own campsite, and for nothing more than a string of beads that somebody offered them, Mardi Gras style.

NEXT UP: THE QUOTES

:: The Party ::

Tonight we went out to Roosters for Chris's 19th birthday. There were a lot of us there (Me, Chris, Ian, Jeremy, Sean, Danny, Amanda, Pat, Tracy, Jen, Dave, Neil, and Tanya) and it was a wicked night. We started out at the Keg for dinner then took a limo to Roosters and back. The night was full of highlights - hotboxing a limo, bodyshots off hot girls, cheap Corona, and then, to end off the night - 3 Pearl Jam songs in a row on the radio during the drive home - Daughter, Given to Fly, and Nothingman. Then of course there were the 2 trips to McDonald's and Chris lying face down with no shoes or shirt, passed out, in The Keg parking lot at 3 AM before Sean drove us home.

An excellent night overall.

:: No more fake I.D's ::

Well, today marks the end of Chris's fake I.D collection. Over the past year, as everyone turned 19 but him, he had collected a wide variety of identifications - he had a few from guys on his hockey team, he had one of mine, he even had one from Iowa that we made on the computer. But that all ends now because it is Chris's birthday.

Happy 19th Birthday ya jackass!!!!

"Marge, send the kids to the neighbours I'm coming back loaded." - Homer.

We're going drinking tonight (obviously) and loaded we shall be.

Weird things are happening to me.

For starters, I've been getting unexpected money from weird places lately. Not that I'm complaining, but it's all a little bit odd. And to add to the weirdness, something else weird happened today.

This morning I had some errands to run - I had to go to the bank and then the mall. When I first got into my car, I noticed that somebody had messed with all my mirrors. I thought that was weird, but I just figured Jeremy messed with them when I wasn't looking. He likes doing that. So that wasn't a big deal. Then I go to the bank, and when I get back in my car to drive away, I take a quick glance at my gas gauge - which I hadn't noticed at first. I had a full tank of gas. I didn't have a full tank before. I didn't put any in myself. On tuesday I was right empty, so I put 10 bucks in the tank, which gave me just under half a tank. How that tank became full is beyond me.

I called around. My dad didn't borrow my car. My mom didn't. Chris didn't. Nobody drove it anywhere. Now either this is some elaborate plot to mess with my head - maybe my dad or Chris did take my car out and they're just denying it. Or maybe some greater force is pulling my strings just for the hell of it:

I can see it now. There's God, maybe after a few too many heavenly Heinekens, calling over to his buddies. "Hey dudes, check out what I'm gonna do to this poor schmuck. This is gonna be wicked!" On second thought, I don't know about that. God probably has better things to do than mess with me.

And he probably doesn't say "dude".

"Do you think we could be any cooler?" - Jeremy, asking us as we sat around in a deserted parking lot doing absolutely nothing.

The answer Jeremy, is yes. We can be much cooler. Don't believe me? Check out the new game we created out of sheer boredom.

:: ConeBall ::

So me, Chris, Ian, Jeremy and Sean were sitting around in a parking lot tossing a football around. One of us, I can't remember who, took a tall skinny traffic cone that was lying around and put the football on top of it, sort of like teeball. Then we took an orange, wooden tree stake to use as a bat. The goal was to see who could hit the football the farthest. We judged distance by how many painted parking lines the ball cleared before hitting the ground. Here are the results:

GOLD: Chris
SILVER: Nick
BRONZE: Jeremy
PARTICIPATION PIN: Sean
NOT EVEN CLOSE: Ian

Yeah, we're geeks. Shutup.

Well I have three reasons for posting tonight. Well, four actually.

The fourth reason is that it's Canada Day people! And I feel it's a good opportunity to celebrate the wonderful-ness of this fuckin country. Rock on Canada! Reason number three is that I'm drunk, and God knows I post sweet messages after a beer or two, or in this case, 14. Also, reason number 2 is that Jeremy told me tonight that he is sick of seeing my Sports Night quiz at the top of my blog page. But, above and beyond the previous three reasons is reason numero uno: Today, July 2, is MEGHANS BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Happy birthday Meghan, I hope your day is a good one.

You're just like Jeremy.


What Sports Night Character are you like?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: Classic Times ::

"So, she was hitting back with both rockets eh?" - My dad, after Jeremy and me tried to describe this girl we both knew who was, shall we say, well endowed. My dad rules.

"I'm in the nine year program and I might take the next year off." - Chris, talking about his approach to school.

We had quite the shaker last night at my place. What started out as me, Ian, Sean and Jeremy drinking in my backyard soon turned into a medium sized gathering with people I'd never met (Nathan Pink), people I hadn't seen in a long time (Katie) and people I see far too much of (Ian, Chris, Jeremy). It was a fun night and I wish I could remember half of the wickid quotes that were flying around, but I just can't. Sorry. But I do remember hitting Ian right in the face with a cell phone. It was fuckin' sweet.

Probably the highlight of the night.

I've created another new blog, this one about JobHunt 2003 that just never seems to end.

Job Hunt 2003

Also, I'm copying an idea from some random blog I read and have added a feature called "99 Things about Me". The link is on the left. Check it out.

Well, it may be a few days late but Ian and I decided that some of his antics from the weekend should be preserved in blog-form. So here goes...

So on Saturday night we went out drinking. Having been 19 for less than a week, it was Ian's first trip to Roosters. The night was good, but unfortunately Chris couldn't come with us because he's not 19 yet, and we all felt bad he couldn't come. Around midnight, after many beers, Ian mumbles and slurs this to me as he looks around at the (many) hot girls at the bar.

"You know what? There might be a lot of boobs here, but I'd still rather hang out with Chris. That might make me sound queer, but it's the truth."

Then later on, a waitress picked up a condom (in the package still) that someone had dropped on the floor. She tossed it on the table in front of Ian, laughed, and said "You must've dropped this." Ian, looked at it for a second, waved it in front of the waitress and, pulling this gem of a pick-up line from his arsenal, propositioned the waitress:

Ian: So, you wanna join me?
Waitress: Only if my husband can come too.
Ian: Sure, why not. He can come!

Smooth Ian. Real smooth.

Then on the drive home Ian continued his drunken rambling. We were going to quickly meet up with Chris, Sean and Pat, just to say hi, and for some reason, Ian couldn't have been more excited. He kept talking about "classic times" we'd had with our crew of friends. And he wasn't only talking about good times from the past, he was excited about the "future classic times" that apparently have yet to come.

From the time I met Ian when he was about 6 until the time he was 17 he was the quietest, shyest kid I knew. But get a little booze in him and he's a changed man. And without him, our drunken-escapades wouldn't be nearly as amusing.

We're laughing with you Ian, not at you. Honest.*





*We actually are laughing at you.

"We have Bachelor degree's, you'd think we could put ourselves in alphabetical order." - Leigh Ford, as we got ready to walk out into Sport Mart Place for the grad ceremony.

"This is just like sitting through one of Maxine's classes." - Leigh Ford again, about halfway through the three hour ceremony.

Check out this fake ID that Bucholtz tried to use at the cold beer and wine store. God only knows why he thought it would work...

Well people, if you didn't know it before then let it be said now: Ian Forbes can drink. A lot. Really, it's fucking impressive. We started off the night with Ian saying something like "I'll get kind of drunk, but not can't-walk-on-my-own drunk because I have to work tomorrow morning. We'll save that for the weekend." Well, Ian's original drinking plan went right out the fuckin' window, because as I write this, Ian is more drunk than I've seen him in a long time - and even though he's only been 19 for a day, he's handling it like a veteran.

Tonight me, Chris, Ian, Sean, Jeremy, Mike, Danny, Amanda, Pat and Ivan went to Shark's Club to drink, and since it was his birthday and all, we felt it was our obligation to get Ian trashed. It's about midnight right now, and I've been gone from the bar for about 20 minutes. Ian is still there, drinking. When I left he'd had close to 20 shots - mostly tequila or 151, not to mention a whole lot of beer. And he's still standing, although he lost his ability to talk coherently about an hour ago. Case in point, the following conversation after Pat bought some cheesy bread so Ian could get some food in his stomach to go along with the booze:

Pat: Hey Ian, did you get some of that cheesy bread?
Ian: Oh yeah? When's that coming?
Pat: It's already been here dude. It's gone now.
Ian: Oh, shit. What was on it?
Pat: I don't know, cheese and garlic and stuff.
Ian: So it was good cheescake?

I'm supposed to pick Ian up for work tomorrow morning at 7:30. If he is there I will be impressed.

Well it's June 10 today and that means it's Ian's 19th birthday. We're goin out to The Shark Club (without hats!) to get hammered tonight.

Happy birthday buddy.

Next up on the soon-to-be-19 list - Chris. Only a month and a day away.

Commence drinking...

:: Work ::

"Just sit there in your car and watch them. Listen to music or something." - Mohammed, telling me my job description for the week.

Watching other people work is harder than you'd think. Not that it's physically tough, but it is painstakingly boring to just sit all day doing nothing. Here's what went down on my first day doing office work for Landtec Ground Experts:

I show up around 10:00, learn a couple of basic things about the invoicing system etc etc, and then start actually making a few invoices. All I was supposed to do today was invoice the Township of Langley - my Dad - for $24,000 worth of work that Mohammed hadn't billled them for yet. So I did all that by 11:30, and with Mohammed gone by this point there was nothing else I could do. So I wasted some time checking my email, looking at some baseball scores, and talking to Mike on MSN (which was conveniently already installed on the computer). Then Mohammed called me and asked me to go to the Annacis Island job site, where I had previously worked 2 days as a weed monkey a month ago. Now, he doesn't want me to work - just supervise the crew that's already there. The problem was that none of the crew is certified to work there because they hadn't went to this mandatory safety seminar - I had. And without a certified person, they aren't allowed to work on the site.

So there I sat, in my car, from 1:30 to 4:30 listening to music and trying to stay awake. So it was a real tough day.

Maybe not as tough as Ian's day though. Instead of mowing grass like he normally does, his job today consisted of laying in an Aldergrove parking lot "guarding" hanging baskets. While two other guys went around Aldergrove for an hour at a time hanging the baskets, Ian's job was to watch the remaining ones to make sure they weren't stolen (which happens quite often, as pathetic as that is). And Ian wasn't just being a lazy ass either, he was actually told to guard the flowers by Mohammed.

"Hey Ian, I'm not paying you 10 bucks an hour to just stand around. Lie down and take a nap."

Yep, the very guy who signs his paycheck told him to lie around for hours at a time. I swear to God.

And they're actually paying us for this.

Mike Bourke (drunk): Ah, good, at least I'm not a schizophenic.
Pat Bourke: No, but your fly is down.

This weekend was a pretty good one. The weather was wicked, and because of that we spent a lot of time sitting outside drinking beer. A lot of beer. And in Jeremy's case, that also meant puking it right back up again. Two nights in a row. Nice goin' Jerm. Then tonight me, Chris and Sean went to the cheap theatre and saw Old School, which kicks some serious ass. It's so funny. Somewhere in this weekend I also fit in a trip to the driving range with my dad, where I absolutely killed the ball. I was like the Tiger Woods of the Redwoods Golf Course Driving Range. Okay, maybe not, but I still hit the ball further than usual, although now I have a huge blister on each one of my thumbs. Oh well, that's the price you pay to be great I suppose.

And tomorrow I start yet another temporary job to earn me some more drinking money, coincendentally with the same company I quit just about a month ago. But this time it's not manual labour, it's an office job, and from what I hear, its going to be Slack. Why am I doing this you may ask? Well, you can't spell slacker without 'lack' and what I lack is money.

On a completely un-related topic, Go Ducks!!!

"That commercial is McGay."- Ian, commenting on a terrible McDonald's commercial for something called the McGridle.

"Hey Sean, keep your driving pants on." - Jeremy.

Cheer up, folks!

I've been reading everyone else blogs lately, and I've also been talking to various people on MSN, as I usually do. And from the blogs I've read and the conversations I've had I've noticed that a lot of people seem to be sad/bummed/depressed/mad or just generally unhappy. And it sort of made me sad. Now, I'm not saying people should be happy all the time, but I did notice that most people seem to be sad about generally the same thing. If you don't know what that thing is, check out everyone's recent posts.

You know what? I'm in a similar position but I don't worry about it. I just let things happen. I've stopped worrying so much and now I usually just say "Fuck it." You might think that's stupid but it works, I'm not stressed or depressed (sorry, that was an unfortunate rhyme) and I'm generally in a good state of mind. And I think I'd have good reason to be depressed if I felt like it - I'm single, unemployed, and I'm slowly running out of money. Sad? Hell yes. Does it bother me? Nope.

So in a meagre attempt to make everyone feel better, because that's just the kind of nice guy that I am, here goes:

1)It could always be worse. For example: You could go out for dinner and come back to see your house engulfed in 40 foot high flames because you accidently left a lit cigarette on top of a magazine. Or maybe your brother or sister took a blowtorch to the kitchen table. So what if you're unemployed with no hope for the future, at least you aren't on fire.

2) God is not punishing you. He's punishing everybody. Don't take it personally. You might be alone, but take your head out of the oven and look at everyone else. We are too. It's not that bad.

3) . Good things will happen eventually. Why will they? Because in my experience, they always do. You just gotta trust me on that one.

4) We all like you. Despite the fact that many of us are all in different towns, we're still your friends. (Except for Mike, he hates you.) And as long as you got friends I don't think things can be too terrible. You might think they can be at times, but that just ain't the way it is.

So, in closing, enjoy your summer. Enjoy whatever town it is you are in. And try not to worry so much. Basically, be more like me. Just jokin'.

:: PEARL JAM ::

I am currently listening to the ringing in my ears that just won't stop. Why are my ears ringing you ask? Well, tonight was the night that Chris, Sean and I had been waiting many months for - Pearl Jam at G.M Place.

Is this just another day? This god forgotten place.
First comes love and then comes pain. Let the games begin.
Questions rise and answers fall insurmountable.

I've been to a fair number of good concerts in my life but this one ranks at or near the top. It was amazing. It was obvious right from the get-go that everyone there was in for an amazing night when the first act to take the stage wasn't show openers Idlewild, but Eddie Vedder and an acoustic guitar. He sort of snuck up onstage in the dark, said a quick "Hello" then sat on his stool long enough for people to start to whisper things like, "Hey, that's Eddie." or more realistically, "Holy Fuck, what's Eddie Vedder doing up there already?" What he was doing up there already was a version of "You've got to hide your love away." It was a beautiful rendition of the Beatle's classic, and sent the audience scrambling to their seats to listen.

Love boat captain take the reigns and steer us towards the clear. Here.
It's already been sung but it can't be said enough.
All you need is love.

45 minutes and one opening-band later, PJ took to the stage for real. And they rocked. Hard. Some of the highlights included: A 10 minute version of Even Flow, a loud full-of-energy version of Do the Evolution, and Better Man - which temporarily turned GM Place into the world's largest karoake bar as 18,000 people sang along and drowned out Vedder's voice, so he just stopped and let the crowd sing most of the song while he played guitar.

Is this just another phase? Earthquakes making waves.
Trying to shake the cancer off. Stupid human beings.
Once you hold the hand of love it's all surmountable.

But I think on of the highlights for me was the first slow-tempo song they did - Thumbing my Way. The stage lights dimmed right down, and the entire arena was instantly lit up with thousands of lighters. It was like being in a sea of tiny stars while the whole solar system revolved around 5 guys from Seattle.

Hold me and make it the truth.
That when all is lost there will be you.
Cause to the universe I don't mean a thing.
And there's just one word I still believe.
And it's love.

It was an amazing experience, and I didn't know I could get so much out of it. After all, It was just a bunch of music right? Wrong.

G.M Place was exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment.

It's an art to live with pain. Mix the light into grey.
Lost nine friends we'll never know. Two years ago today.
And if our lives became too long would it add to our regret?

*lyrics "Love Boat Captain"

"Why do we have ribs? I mean, what is their point?" - Mike

Mike is here visiting me for a few days, and then we're driving to Kamloops where I'm staying until Thursday or Friday. It's been a fun couple of days so far - been playing A LOT of NHL 2003 - Sasumu Serizawa is a monster out there for the Japanese National Team, and Daily Deco photographer/NHL superstar Frank Papp is the difference-maker in almost every game he plays.

In other news, plans for a new edition of the Daily Deco are being made, as well as improvements to the infamous Matcat Attacks!

Nick: Why did I just pay that chick five bucks?
Jeremy: Because she's hot.
Nick: Okay then.

Being hammered rocks. After a few weekends of not really doing anything, me and Jeremy and Jen went to T-Barz and just got smashed. T-Barz is a wicked strip club, none of us had ever been there before, but Scram won a free lap dance in some sort of raffle draw that I apparently paid 5 bucks for but don't remember. And tomorrow me and Jeremy are getting smashed all over again. It's gonna be sweet.

:: Insomnia Pt II ::

In what is being hailed by some as the greatest combination since peanut butter and jam; Lennon and McCartney; or TimeWarner; Mike, Shaun and I have teamed up on a blog...

Matcat Attacks!