Saturday, May 30, 2009

:: I'll take that as a compliment ::

This morning, I slept late and woke up with only 15 minutes before we had to meet Kristyl for breakfast. As such, I didn't really have time for a shower and was concerned that I smelled a little bit, well, gross.

So I went with the "Surrey Shower" solution, and sprayed a little bit of Axe body spray on before I headed out the door. Then I asked Christene if that would do the trick.

"You smell fine, very masculine. You smell like ass and woodchips."

Thursday, May 28, 2009

:: Funny, then.. not so much ::

Earlier today, we got an e-mail into our newsroom that an elderly woman had gone missing from a seniors home. As such, we thought it best to post the bulletin on our website. Before that decision was made, however, the person tasked with writing it called into our boss's office, where I was at the time, and asked "What do you want me to do with the missing woman?"

Without hesitation, both myself and my boss blurted out the same thing: "Find her!" Then we laughed heartily because we were both so funny, and also because we'd said the same clever thing at the same time. Juvenile humour, yes, but it was still an amusing moment.

A moment, however, that I quickly ruined.

"Maybe somebody should go check the golf course," I suggested.

Earlier in the week, we'd written a story a missing eight-month-old puppy – who had run away from its home through a door that was inadvertently left open. Yesterday, the body of that poor, cute pup was found at a local golf course, having had a run in with a coyote or some other animal.

This time nobody laughed.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

:: Status updates ::

"Nicole's only boyfriend was deaf. That was the only way he could put up with her." - Kristyl, talking about an acquaintance's love life.

"Matt would give you the shirt of his back. The only problem is that the shirt would be pink and nobody would want it." - Ian's neighbour, Ryan, ragging on Ian's future brother-in-law, who earlier that day arrived home from teaching golf wearing white pants and a light pink shirt.

"It's my Cola Wars slurpee." - Christene, filling up her 7-Eleven collectible Terminator cup (Yes, she really bought one) with both Pepsi and Coke.

After buying a new power drill to fix his backyard gate...
Ian: I wish I had something else to drill.
Me: You could make a birdhouse.
Ian: If I was going to make a birdhouse, I'd just go to Home Depot and buy one of those kids birdhouse kits.... Then I'd probably just call my dad and get him to build it.

"It's like knowing you are going to get your hand chopped off. You know it's going to hurt, but there's nothing you can do about it so you might as well get it over with." - Kristyl's fine take on the actual process of giving birth, which she is getting closer and closer to.

"Why isn't Jesus good at hockey? Because people kept nailing him to the boards." - Bucholtz tells a joke.

"Affirmative action is bullshit." - Bucholtz again, this time after seeing a woman officiating a men's boxing match, and having trouble separating the angry combatants.

"If I'm driving after drinking some beers, I'm never under 0.08 anyway." - Sean, on why it doesn't matter if he gets rid of his 'N' on his driver's licence. For those who aren't aware, if you are a "new driver" you can't even blow 0.01 without losing your licence.

"It almost seems like you should have B.O. to match your mustache." - Christene, commenting on my wicked facial hair.

And on that note.....

Current Funtastic Moustache Status: Barely noticeable (It's blond for some reason)

And speaking of Funtastic, and therefore of the Cannons, we have bounced out of our losing streak by winning our last two games. On Sunday, we beat a crappy team by three runs, and followed that by beating an even crappier team Monday night by a single run. It's still embarrassing, but embarrassing wins are better than embarrassing losses.

Friday, May 22, 2009

:: Bad mistakes, we've made a few ::

Right now, the illustrious Cannons - reigning champions of Langley Mixed Slo-Pitch's division E1 - are in the midst of a bit of a slide. Losers of three straight. Losers of four of the last five or so. And, in Jeremy's case two games back, losers of our cool, too. (editor's note: Jeremy recently became the second Cannon to be kicked out of a game. Kudos, good sir. You are in good company.)

However, recent mistakes aside, this current misstep is far from our worst. As such, I present to you, in no particular order, the Worst Mistakes in Cannons History:

1. "Hey Nick, welcome back. You're playing third."
The inaugural Cannons season began in early April five years ago. The team won its first two games, and was something like 3-1 after the first few weeks. Then I, our standout third-baseman-turned-first baseman-turned-outfielder-because-there's-no-other-spot-to-hide-him returned from a nine-month sabbatical in Peace River, Alberta. We lost in my debut game, then 17 more in a row, and finished the season at 3-19. I like to think I helped.

2. Bucholtz plays drunk.
Friday night game. Buch's parents - even his lovely grandma - come to watch him play. Bucholtz, who has been at the peelers with his crew from work ever since mid-afternoon, arrives drunk and beligerent. For some reason, we let him play. He strikes out looking in the first inning, questions the umpire loudly and emphatically, then is benched, and sits on the bench the rest of the game. Diana is not proud.

3. Funtastic 2007. Um, I'm sure we all remember this...

For those you don't recall. This was taken after a drunken, very-public streaking of the Canada Day fireworks in Enderby. The all-male streakathon culminated in a group slip-and-side effort into dish soap, which stung eyes and nearly blinded everyone involved. Upon photograpic review, Bucholtz came perilously close to sliding right into both Sean and Groz's naked groinal areas.

4. Dana holds at third
It was the semifinals of the playoffs, and the Cannons have made a miraculous run from the last-place seed into the Final Four. We are down by a run in the final inning, and Dana - who has wheels - is at second base. The ball is smacked into the outfield, and it looks like we're about to tie the ol' score. Except whoever is coaching third - can't remember if it was Jeremy or Bucholtz or Ian - inexplicably holds Dana at three. Oh, there were two outs, by the way.

And sure, Katie came into the game and saved the day with a swinging bunt that scored Dana which is, to this day, is among the greatest plays in team history. And sure, we won the game easily in the extra inning, but still, that was not wise coaching. I would've sent her home - but unfortunately I'd already been kicked out of the game. Also, I was banned by my own team from coaching third base. But that's not the point here.

and finally, the last great mistake (Which ironically was actually the first)....

5. "Hey Mike, want to play on the softball team we're starting?"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

:: Random Text Message ::

Me: Hey, I just saw your exact double at Safeway. I had to look twice, but then I saw that he had a kid and was, you know, a responsible adult. That's how I knew it wasn't you.
Sean: Haha. He was my un-evil twin then.

Also, a new feature debuts tonight, and will appear periodically on this slice of the Interweb until late June:

Current Funtastic Moustache Status: Embarrassing.

Monday, May 11, 2009

:: How not to stay on my good side ::

This conversation – via BlackBerry Messenger – woke me up at 11:23 last night.

Friend: Hey
Friend: Hey... you there?
Friend: You got a couple minutes?
Friend: PING!!!
Me: Jesus Christ, WHAT!??
Friend: Sorry man, didn't mean to make you mad.
Me: What do you want?
Friend: What're you doing?
Me: Are you serious? It's 11:30 on Sunday night, what do you think I'm doing? I'm trying to fucking sleep. What do you want?
Friend: Oh, sorry man, I'll talk to you about it tomorrow.
Me: You already woke me up, so you might as well talk. What do you want?
Friend: Don't worry about it, it's alright. I'll talk to you about it tomorrow.

I really need to start turning my phone off before I go to bed.

Friday, May 08, 2009

:: Christene becomes a hockey fan* ::

Midway through Canucks/Blackhawks Game 3, after three months of being forced to watch games with me but not really ever caring about the outcome, this happened....

"Where's the effing defence? Get Vigneault out there - he'll take care of business!" - Christene, who by the way, likes head coach Alain Vigneault and his snappy suits better than any one player.

And just because I'm here, I might as well liquidate some old quotes from the system, too.

"Wine is not for guzzling!" - Vanessa, after doing just that, with not-so-good results, during a Canucks watching/house-warming party at Amanda and Kyle (and Maverick's) new condo.

"Dan's rad. I hope when I'm 45 I'm as awesome as him." - Bucholtz with the backhanded compliment.

"I'm gonna open a store that only sells things that I like. That way, all the other totally rad people will know where to shop." - Christene, after an unsuccessful experience at the Target in Burlington, Wash.

"I'm not drunk. But I'm... pretty drunk." - Bucholtz again.

"I want to get there and see him before he has a heart attack and dies." - Christene, talking about Big Elvis, who performs on the Vegas strip at Bill's Gambling Hall.

"I love cows - they're so cute. Too bad they're so tasty." - Christene, on Catch-22s.

After Rach got her ear pierced at the tattoo show...
Rach: I had to pay an extra $15 for the second hole.
Me: Oh, that's not too bad - I've done that plenty of times.
Rach: Uh, I was talking about the piercing.

*C'mon, it was inevitable - only a matter of time.
:: Embarassing ::

The fact that this made headlines today is Exhibit 1A of why I'm often ashamed to work in the media business.

Suddenly the president is Un-American because of his fucking mustard? We're in a recession here boss, how dare you show off your "fancy" condiments.

I also love how this has sent bloggers "out in full force." Ever wonder how the cliche about bloggers being losers who live in their parents basement came about? Because of shit like this.

You're the leader of the Free World, sir - eat whatever the crap you'd like.

Fucking America.