It's been a long time since I've done a quotes post – or a post of any sort, really – and since I have a few stockpiled from Funtastic earlier this month, I figured I'd write 'em up.
Enjoy. (Or be disgusted and confused. Either way)
"Mini corns are the silent killer of the mini snack world." - Bucholtz
"Seriously, mini corns are like Antonio Banderas – they sneak up on you and BOOM! You're dead." - Bucholtz again, on a mini-corn rant.
"I should charge chicks money because my boys can swim so well." - Davy, father of 100 children. (OK, four kids, but still).
"Well I can walk, so I'm better than turtles." - Bucholtz.
"Pine cones are pretty much just tree turds, right?" - Christene
"Sometimes it just doesn't stop – it's like clay. What am I doin', fingerpainting down there? - Sean, being a little too descriptive when discussing the amount of wipes it sometimes takes him to, well, clean up.
"Get off my fucking back - I'm just moving my balls around!" - TO, caught adjusting.
Showing posts with label funtastic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funtastic. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
:: Random Text Message ::
Me: Hey, I just saw your exact double at Safeway. I had to look twice, but then I saw that he had a kid and was, you know, a responsible adult. That's how I knew it wasn't you.
Sean: Haha. He was my un-evil twin then.
Also, a new feature debuts tonight, and will appear periodically on this slice of the Interweb until late June:
Current Funtastic Moustache Status: Embarrassing.
Me: Hey, I just saw your exact double at Safeway. I had to look twice, but then I saw that he had a kid and was, you know, a responsible adult. That's how I knew it wasn't you.
Sean: Haha. He was my un-evil twin then.
Also, a new feature debuts tonight, and will appear periodically on this slice of the Interweb until late June:
Current Funtastic Moustache Status: Embarrassing.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
:: Some advice ::
When arriving home from any sort of outing - be it a vacation or camping trip, or a business excursion, I will provide for you this important tip: Upon returning home, be sure to "clean up" everything as quickly as possible.
Be sure to put any excess food either in the fridge or the garbage, and make sure all your laundry is done too, so as not to discover a rogue sock four months down the road.
Those two things - food and laundry - are the obvious ones, of course, but there are others, too, which you should know about.
For example, the next time you go away for a few days - camping with rowdy friends, perhaps - be absolutely sure that you've cleared out your wallet of all extraneous material upon your triumphant return.
That way, when you head back to work the next week and go out for lunch with colleagues, you won't open your wallet to reach for your credit card only to find instead two beer can tabs, a condom from a tournament gift bag, and what appears to be some kind of dead insect.
I'm just saying...
When arriving home from any sort of outing - be it a vacation or camping trip, or a business excursion, I will provide for you this important tip: Upon returning home, be sure to "clean up" everything as quickly as possible.
Be sure to put any excess food either in the fridge or the garbage, and make sure all your laundry is done too, so as not to discover a rogue sock four months down the road.
Those two things - food and laundry - are the obvious ones, of course, but there are others, too, which you should know about.
For example, the next time you go away for a few days - camping with rowdy friends, perhaps - be absolutely sure that you've cleared out your wallet of all extraneous material upon your triumphant return.
That way, when you head back to work the next week and go out for lunch with colleagues, you won't open your wallet to reach for your credit card only to find instead two beer can tabs, a condom from a tournament gift bag, and what appears to be some kind of dead insect.
I'm just saying...
Sunday, July 15, 2007
A long overdue post...
:: Funtastic 2007: What's the worst that could happen? ::
"This beer is so good, it's like God is jerking off in my mouth." - Bucholtz
"Take that atmosphere!" - Sean, burning some plastic in the fire.
"It was like professional packers packing for the Pro Packing Championships." - Scott, on how him and Buchs managed to cram all their stuff into the Explorer.
"You call it premature ejaculation. I call it a good night's sleep." - Chris
"In one word, he was the balls." - Scott, using more than one word to describe Sean's now-traditional Canada Day streaking.
"Thanks for making this not lame." - Firefighter, after Sean, Buchs, and Jason livened up the Canada Day fireworks.
"What time you flyin' out?" - Scott, to Rachel, when she walked past carrying her vintage '70s luggage.
Beer Garden doorman: Sorry buddy, I can't let you in without ID.
Guy: I don't have ID.
Doorman: Sorry, you aren't coming in.
Guy: But my girlfriend's in there.
Doorman: Look buddy, a lot of people's girlfriends are in there.
A quick recap, for those of you with short attention spans (Oh look - a blue car!!):
Got drunk. Again.
Failed to win a morning game. Again.
Argued with the stupid old campsite groundskeeper. Again.
Lost in the playoffs to a team full of steriod monkeys (I assume). Again.
Yep, in many ways, Funtastic '07 was carbon copy of Funtastic '06, except this time we upped the ante on the streaking, didn't get quite as loaded as last time, and we didn't put dishsoap in anybody's beer when they weren't looking (Where's Jeremy when you need him?).
Oh, and there were two big fucking storms.
We began our five-day extravaganza with some overcast, kinda rainy weather on Thursday evening. Then, once we were all set up, we were hit with one helluva thunderstorm - one of the biggest I can remember. Our campsite proceeded to get flooded out, with Sean and Rachel's tent getting the worst of it, to the point where everything - clothes, bedding, etc - were soaked right through, and they basically had to sleep in 2 inches of water.
That'll teach you to forget the fly to your tent, and replace it with a tarp with two big holes in it.
Everyone got soaked though, but thankfully for Chris and Jenna's vestibule, we still had a place to drink beer and play cards. The next morning things had cleared up slightly, but storm #2 still swung through town for a few hours in the middle of the day, which led to the following things:
1. The postponement our first game
2. The soaking of my tent, air mattress, sleeping bag, and one side of my pillow
3. A Bucholtz-in-his-boxers-and-nothing-else slip-and-slide moment with a tarp
4. The (stupidest) fight of a lifetime between Rachel and Sean
Now I know everyone's done talking about it, laughing about it, etc, but I have to harp on item #4 there for a moment, because I would be doing a disservice to bloggers everywhere if I did not accurately paint this picture for you, the reader.
Let's start with two drunk people - one moreso than the other. Let's add in a rainstorm, and some confusion. Then let's jump to two idiots, arguing not over something substantial, but instead absolutely nothing at all. At various points, they could be heard yelling to each other that neither knew what the fight was about, and at least 5 times (conservative estimate) the argument turned into a fight over the timeline of events - of who was doing what where. ("I was in the tent at 9:03!!!" "No, it was 9:15!!!!"
Seriously folks, this is what most of us had to deal with until the wee hours of the morning. Nice work idiots. Nice work.
I should also mention that all this fighting led also to this: 5. Rachel disowning Nick, an innocent bystander, as a friend for the rest of the night.
Tough break for me.
Anyways, on to funner subjects...like beer pong. Ian arrived on Friday, bringing with him a classy homemade trophy, put together with parts collected at Value Village - an upside-down salad bowl, a metal mug dealie, not unlike the top of the Stanley Cup had it been constructed not by an English silversmith but instead by three drunk hobos and a raccoon. To top the cherished championship mug off was a cheerleader figure, obviously ripped off some high school cheerleading championship in times of yore.
So, with such a prize up for grabs, Ian and Bre organized a beer pong tourney, with teams of two chosen at random, out of a hat (surely sending the usual team of Bucholtz and Scotty crying into each other 's arms :P)
I was teamed with Bre, and despite a valiant effort, we lost to Scott and Lanette, who were subsequently bounced in a later round. The final came down to Chris and Amanda vs. Rachel and Jason.
Midway through the round it appeared Chris and A-Scrams were going to win, but Rachel/Jay fought back, and eventually won when Chris knocked over a cup of beer with only two cups left. Game. Set. Match.
No post-game drug tests were administered, but tournament officials are still investigating whether or not there any cheating taking place on the part of Rachel, who made suspicious comments after the trip. Results thus far have been inconclusive.
The rest of the weekend went according to plan, with our team playing pretty strong, except we were bounced in the first round of Monday playoffs and finished with a 3-2 record.
One last point, and probably the most important, is that we were - if possible - far more obnoxious than we were in Year 1. Last time, Chris became well known in the beer gardens for constantly chanting "LET'S GO CANNONS!"
This year, we all did it, of course - once even getting a return cheer from another team across the campsite. However, between repeated chants, and the aforementioned three guys streaking the fireworks display wearing Cannons hats, and carrying a team flag (and also chanting) I can't imagine people like us much. Oh well - fuck 'em.
At least we're making a name for ourselves, as evidenced by this conversation I had with a fellow Funstasticker while waiting in the shower lineup on Saturday morning.
Guy: So, what team are you with?
Me: The Cannons.
Guy: Oh, you're those loud guys just around the corner with the blue hats?
Me: Yep, that's us.
Guy: You guys went pretty hard last night eh? I guess that means you'll be takin' er easy tonight? (He said optimistically)
Me: Haha, I doubt it. We're just getting warmed up man.
Guy: So it's gonna be like last year then?
Me: Last year? Whadda ya mean?
Guy: You know, like last year...with that "Let's Go Cannons" asshole.
Me: Oh, that's my brother. He's our coach.
Guy: .........
Awesome. So even though we didn't start our dynasty of Funtastic championships that Bucholtz predicted, as least we're the biggest dicks.
It's like they say - if you can't beat 'em, at least keep 'em up at night.
Our team's proudest achievement yet. By far.
Let's Go Cannons!
:: Funtastic 2007: What's the worst that could happen? ::
"This beer is so good, it's like God is jerking off in my mouth." - Bucholtz
"Take that atmosphere!" - Sean, burning some plastic in the fire.
"It was like professional packers packing for the Pro Packing Championships." - Scott, on how him and Buchs managed to cram all their stuff into the Explorer.
"You call it premature ejaculation. I call it a good night's sleep." - Chris
"In one word, he was the balls." - Scott, using more than one word to describe Sean's now-traditional Canada Day streaking.
"Thanks for making this not lame." - Firefighter, after Sean, Buchs, and Jason livened up the Canada Day fireworks.
"What time you flyin' out?" - Scott, to Rachel, when she walked past carrying her vintage '70s luggage.
Beer Garden doorman: Sorry buddy, I can't let you in without ID.
Guy: I don't have ID.
Doorman: Sorry, you aren't coming in.
Guy: But my girlfriend's in there.
Doorman: Look buddy, a lot of people's girlfriends are in there.
A quick recap, for those of you with short attention spans (Oh look - a blue car!!):
Got drunk. Again.
Failed to win a morning game. Again.
Argued with the stupid old campsite groundskeeper. Again.
Lost in the playoffs to a team full of steriod monkeys (I assume). Again.
Yep, in many ways, Funtastic '07 was carbon copy of Funtastic '06, except this time we upped the ante on the streaking, didn't get quite as loaded as last time, and we didn't put dishsoap in anybody's beer when they weren't looking (Where's Jeremy when you need him?).
Oh, and there were two big fucking storms.
We began our five-day extravaganza with some overcast, kinda rainy weather on Thursday evening. Then, once we were all set up, we were hit with one helluva thunderstorm - one of the biggest I can remember. Our campsite proceeded to get flooded out, with Sean and Rachel's tent getting the worst of it, to the point where everything - clothes, bedding, etc - were soaked right through, and they basically had to sleep in 2 inches of water.
That'll teach you to forget the fly to your tent, and replace it with a tarp with two big holes in it.
Everyone got soaked though, but thankfully for Chris and Jenna's vestibule, we still had a place to drink beer and play cards. The next morning things had cleared up slightly, but storm #2 still swung through town for a few hours in the middle of the day, which led to the following things:
1. The postponement our first game
2. The soaking of my tent, air mattress, sleeping bag, and one side of my pillow
3. A Bucholtz-in-his-boxers-and-nothing-else slip-and-slide moment with a tarp
4. The (stupidest) fight of a lifetime between Rachel and Sean
Now I know everyone's done talking about it, laughing about it, etc, but I have to harp on item #4 there for a moment, because I would be doing a disservice to bloggers everywhere if I did not accurately paint this picture for you, the reader.
Let's start with two drunk people - one moreso than the other. Let's add in a rainstorm, and some confusion. Then let's jump to two idiots, arguing not over something substantial, but instead absolutely nothing at all. At various points, they could be heard yelling to each other that neither knew what the fight was about, and at least 5 times (conservative estimate) the argument turned into a fight over the timeline of events - of who was doing what where. ("I was in the tent at 9:03!!!" "No, it was 9:15!!!!"
Seriously folks, this is what most of us had to deal with until the wee hours of the morning. Nice work idiots. Nice work.
I should also mention that all this fighting led also to this: 5. Rachel disowning Nick, an innocent bystander, as a friend for the rest of the night.
Tough break for me.
Anyways, on to funner subjects...like beer pong. Ian arrived on Friday, bringing with him a classy homemade trophy, put together with parts collected at Value Village - an upside-down salad bowl, a metal mug dealie, not unlike the top of the Stanley Cup had it been constructed not by an English silversmith but instead by three drunk hobos and a raccoon. To top the cherished championship mug off was a cheerleader figure, obviously ripped off some high school cheerleading championship in times of yore.
So, with such a prize up for grabs, Ian and Bre organized a beer pong tourney, with teams of two chosen at random, out of a hat (surely sending the usual team of Bucholtz and Scotty crying into each other 's arms :P)
I was teamed with Bre, and despite a valiant effort, we lost to Scott and Lanette, who were subsequently bounced in a later round. The final came down to Chris and Amanda vs. Rachel and Jason.
Midway through the round it appeared Chris and A-Scrams were going to win, but Rachel/Jay fought back, and eventually won when Chris knocked over a cup of beer with only two cups left. Game. Set. Match.
No post-game drug tests were administered, but tournament officials are still investigating whether or not there any cheating taking place on the part of Rachel, who made suspicious comments after the trip. Results thus far have been inconclusive.
The rest of the weekend went according to plan, with our team playing pretty strong, except we were bounced in the first round of Monday playoffs and finished with a 3-2 record.
One last point, and probably the most important, is that we were - if possible - far more obnoxious than we were in Year 1. Last time, Chris became well known in the beer gardens for constantly chanting "LET'S GO CANNONS!"
This year, we all did it, of course - once even getting a return cheer from another team across the campsite. However, between repeated chants, and the aforementioned three guys streaking the fireworks display wearing Cannons hats, and carrying a team flag (and also chanting) I can't imagine people like us much. Oh well - fuck 'em.
At least we're making a name for ourselves, as evidenced by this conversation I had with a fellow Funstasticker while waiting in the shower lineup on Saturday morning.
Guy: So, what team are you with?
Me: The Cannons.
Guy: Oh, you're those loud guys just around the corner with the blue hats?
Me: Yep, that's us.
Guy: You guys went pretty hard last night eh? I guess that means you'll be takin' er easy tonight? (He said optimistically)
Me: Haha, I doubt it. We're just getting warmed up man.
Guy: So it's gonna be like last year then?
Me: Last year? Whadda ya mean?
Guy: You know, like last year...with that "Let's Go Cannons" asshole.
Me: Oh, that's my brother. He's our coach.
Guy: .........
Awesome. So even though we didn't start our dynasty of Funtastic championships that Bucholtz predicted, as least we're the biggest dicks.
It's like they say - if you can't beat 'em, at least keep 'em up at night.
Our team's proudest achievement yet. By far.
Let's Go Cannons!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Thursday, July 06, 2006
:: FUNTASTIC ::
Last weekend, from Thursday until Monday, the Cannons made their first pilgrimmage to the Okanagan - to Enderby for Funtastic. The fun started on Thursday evening, when everybody hitched up and took off down the highway.
You might wonder how the fun could start the moment you leave a driveway - before the 4 hour drive has even begun. But you would be stupid to wonder such things if you knew us at all. People took wrong turns, people got drunk en route, numerous stops were made to piss and puke.... or maybe that was just me, Buchs and Scotty.
Regardless, without further adieu, our weekend...
Me: I like to think of myself as the white Dave Chappelle.
Buchs: I like to think of myself as the black Chris Farley.
"It's Enderby. We're better than everybody here." - Bucholtz, seconds upon arrival.
"Popping your eardrum is like blowing it in a chick's ass." - Buchs again, pleased with himself.
"If you dug a hole, shat in it, that's Enderby." - Scott, as Enderby takes another hit.
Me: What the hell town are we in?
Buchs: I dunno, Moose Knuckle Junction?
Lost out on some country-ass backroad...
"Do you think they still have the metric system out here?" - Scott
"I think all Enderby girls have herpes." - Buchs
"Welcome to Enderby. Population: Losers." - Jeremy, in perhaps the funniest thing he said all weekend.
Buchs: We're not making very good time.
Scotty: Don't worry about it - I do my best work at night. I'm like a bat.
After Buchs took one disgusting shit at a Vernon Shell station...
"Well fellas, that was pretty much the sum of my entire weekend."
On long drinking/camping trips...
"I can't ever take it easy because I have no idea what excessive is. I just keep going and going." - Bucholtz, completely sincere.
Excessive.
That about sums it up.
Excessive drinking. Excessive partying. Excessive crying. Excessive baseball. Excessive yelling. Oh who am I kidding, there's no such thing as excessive drinking.
We got there Thursday night, me and Buchs already drunk. Within a short time, all the calvalry had arrived. Kels showed up from some pub around 1 (or so she says, I really have no idea at all). We partied hard that first night - beer flowin', music cranked until probably past 4. The sun was coming up as I fell asleep.
Then we had a game at 8 a.m. Needless to say, it did not go well.
We were hungover as fuck - or still drunk - and we were not used to the Funtastic rules, nor were we really ready for the heat.
We got fuckin stomped.
But then, in very un-Cannon-like fashion, we went on a run. Won three straight games. Now, I don't really remember all the details of the game - the beer and heat sort of killed my memory of specifics - but we still did some damage. We didn't lose until playoffs when some power-hitting drunks took us for quite a ride. But it was another early morning game, and, once again, we were hungover as fuck.
Some of the highlights...
Chris chanting "Let's go Cannons!!" all night in the beer gardens. I wasn't really sure of his reasoning behind such a move, other than to be a drunken ass, but then I remembered what he told me on the way from the campsite from the gardens.
"When we leave, people are gonna fucking remember that the Cannons were here."
Mission accomplished, I'd say.
We spent a lot of time just hanging out drinking, tossing a football around, diving into the river off the bridge in town. And starting - or trying to "improve" - fights between a bunch of punk 18-year-old Enderby kids fresh outta high school.
They were real jackasses, and then some of them stole our fucking coolers - getting some beer, some Baja Rosa, and my fucking smokies.
Bastards.
Chris caught one 16-year-old dick with a backpack full of our beer, but I was slightly shocked to find out the next morning that he didn't pummel him from there to Armstrong.
There were a few other wicked parts of course - too many to probably write into one post, but I'd say, without a doubt, the high water mark was our good friend and right fielder Sean.
Who, with nearly no prompting, stripped down and streaked the Canada Day fireworks in front of probably a couple hundred people and firefighters.
We gave him the tourney MVP just for that. And he fuckin' deserved it.
Same time next year, right?
Last weekend, from Thursday until Monday, the Cannons made their first pilgrimmage to the Okanagan - to Enderby for Funtastic. The fun started on Thursday evening, when everybody hitched up and took off down the highway.
You might wonder how the fun could start the moment you leave a driveway - before the 4 hour drive has even begun. But you would be stupid to wonder such things if you knew us at all. People took wrong turns, people got drunk en route, numerous stops were made to piss and puke.... or maybe that was just me, Buchs and Scotty.
Regardless, without further adieu, our weekend...
Me: I like to think of myself as the white Dave Chappelle.
Buchs: I like to think of myself as the black Chris Farley.
"It's Enderby. We're better than everybody here." - Bucholtz, seconds upon arrival.
"Popping your eardrum is like blowing it in a chick's ass." - Buchs again, pleased with himself.
"If you dug a hole, shat in it, that's Enderby." - Scott, as Enderby takes another hit.
Me: What the hell town are we in?
Buchs: I dunno, Moose Knuckle Junction?
Lost out on some country-ass backroad...
"Do you think they still have the metric system out here?" - Scott
"I think all Enderby girls have herpes." - Buchs
"Welcome to Enderby. Population: Losers." - Jeremy, in perhaps the funniest thing he said all weekend.
Buchs: We're not making very good time.
Scotty: Don't worry about it - I do my best work at night. I'm like a bat.
After Buchs took one disgusting shit at a Vernon Shell station...
"Well fellas, that was pretty much the sum of my entire weekend."
On long drinking/camping trips...
"I can't ever take it easy because I have no idea what excessive is. I just keep going and going." - Bucholtz, completely sincere.
Excessive.
That about sums it up.
Excessive drinking. Excessive partying. Excessive crying. Excessive baseball. Excessive yelling. Oh who am I kidding, there's no such thing as excessive drinking.
We got there Thursday night, me and Buchs already drunk. Within a short time, all the calvalry had arrived. Kels showed up from some pub around 1 (or so she says, I really have no idea at all). We partied hard that first night - beer flowin', music cranked until probably past 4. The sun was coming up as I fell asleep.
Then we had a game at 8 a.m. Needless to say, it did not go well.
We were hungover as fuck - or still drunk - and we were not used to the Funtastic rules, nor were we really ready for the heat.
We got fuckin stomped.
But then, in very un-Cannon-like fashion, we went on a run. Won three straight games. Now, I don't really remember all the details of the game - the beer and heat sort of killed my memory of specifics - but we still did some damage. We didn't lose until playoffs when some power-hitting drunks took us for quite a ride. But it was another early morning game, and, once again, we were hungover as fuck.
Some of the highlights...
Chris chanting "Let's go Cannons!!" all night in the beer gardens. I wasn't really sure of his reasoning behind such a move, other than to be a drunken ass, but then I remembered what he told me on the way from the campsite from the gardens.
"When we leave, people are gonna fucking remember that the Cannons were here."
Mission accomplished, I'd say.
We spent a lot of time just hanging out drinking, tossing a football around, diving into the river off the bridge in town. And starting - or trying to "improve" - fights between a bunch of punk 18-year-old Enderby kids fresh outta high school.
They were real jackasses, and then some of them stole our fucking coolers - getting some beer, some Baja Rosa, and my fucking smokies.
Bastards.
Chris caught one 16-year-old dick with a backpack full of our beer, but I was slightly shocked to find out the next morning that he didn't pummel him from there to Armstrong.
There were a few other wicked parts of course - too many to probably write into one post, but I'd say, without a doubt, the high water mark was our good friend and right fielder Sean.
Who, with nearly no prompting, stripped down and streaked the Canada Day fireworks in front of probably a couple hundred people and firefighters.
We gave him the tourney MVP just for that. And he fuckin' deserved it.
Same time next year, right?