Friday, July 28, 2006

There's lots of things I would like to write about, but I'm not going to, because a) I can't find a way to make it witty or amusing, and b) I just don't have the energy. You'll just have to use your imaginations, I guess.

So in lieu of something lengthy, all you're gettin' is this for now....a stupid quote from one of the Ridiculous Quote Legends - a rare occurrence lately, as least in this space.

After a McDonald's commercial featuring baking powder biscuits came on TV...
Kelsey: What is bacon powder anyway?
Me: You're kidding me right?
Kelsey: What?
Me: It's baking powder, not bacon....Wow, I can't believe you just asked me that.
Kelsey: Hmmm, that may have been one of the dumbest things I've ever said.
Me: No, it's actually not, which is the saddest part of all.
Kelsey: Shutup!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

:: The Rules ::

Well, it's over.

A few pictures still have to be hung, a few minor things put away, but for the most part, the move is done.

Thank fucking God.

We started moving things in last week, slowly but surely, and we got to the point Saturday where two or three loads and everything was where it needed to be. The rest of the day was spent, along with my parents, putting furniture together and generally sorting out the house.

Did that pretty much all day, til the late evening, when I ate dinner and headed off to Rachel's birthday shaker at her bro's house, which, convienently, is now only about 5 minutes from my house.

But, now that I'm in the new digs, all moved in for good, I figured I should lay out a few rules. I'm not exactly gonna enforce 'em with an iron fist like some douchebag, but just try your best.

1. No puking anywhere in my house, in the front courtyard, or definitely not off my balcony. In fact, just to be safe, how ''bout just keeping all your vomit-like fluids to yourself while you're here.

2. Speaking of the balcony, do me a favour and don't spit, throw cigarette butts, or beer cans or anything else over the edge. This is because right below my balcony, is my neighbour Steve's patio. And he's a pretty big dude. And he has a goatee. And all weekend he wore a shirt with flames on it, so you know he doesn't fuck around.

3. Shut the fuck up already. We don't have to be church-quiet, obviously, but just keep down the ol' noise when it's late - not really any different than if we're at Sean and Rachel's or anywhere else. I don't have landlords than can give me the boot, but I really don't wanna get fined up the ass by the strata.

4. No sex is to be had in the new abode unless I'm involved in some way. And Bucholtz - about that offer you made to me last night when I informed people of this rule...never say that again.

5. Similar to the shutting up rule, no loud drunken arguments in the courtyard or driveways, parking lots. Decent people are probably trying to sleep. Sean and Rachel, Kelsey and, well, me. I'm looking in your (our) direction.

6. Don't break anything.

That's pretty much it I think. Feel free to come visit. Just gimme a minute to get the door because I'll probably have to find pants first.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

:: Merritt, etc... ::

"Who would ever think to get all five of these fruits and then turn them into juice?!" - Amanda, thoroughly impressed with her Five Alive, nursing a hangover one morning in Merritt.

"I just wanna take her clothes off and shut the fuck up." - an old quote from Bucholtz, who was sick of talking to this young'un without getting anywhere.

"Whoa, this is huge. You could have sex in here!" - Amanda, after seeing the size of one of the closets in my room at my new place.

"If I fold the seats down in the Cougar I could have sex with like four people at once." - Kelsey

"I think I'm going to sell the Jeep and buy a horse instead of another car. I bet hay is cheaper than gas." - Amanda

Well, we made it through another Merritt Music Fest.

(Pictures on Kels' site: Click here)

This year's event featured many of the things you've normally come to expect of such an spectacle - boobs everywhere (but not nearly enough, or as many as last year even), serious binge drinking, handjobs in the fairgrounds, and a solid number of random visitors - some pretty cool, others who were pretty big douchebags.

And we brought the Mighty Tent Trailer back for Round 2. Although it'll need repairs if we make an attempt at a Round 3 some day.

All par for the course when you come to MMMF. There were, however, a few slight differences - for one, I mentioned the lack of naked whops compared to previous Merritt's. Also, the band lineup wasn't nearly as good - although Aaron Pritchett kicked ass, as did half the Travis Tritt show I watched before my back hurt to bad for me to stand anymore.

But the biggest difference, for some of us was that we sort of took it easy on the drinking, a rare feat on any day, let alone a four-day outdoor festival in the sun where all there is to do is drink, sit in the river, listen to music and have sex.

But of the three nights we were there, I can really only say I got shitfaced gooned once - one Friday night when most of us skipped the concerts to nurse our crippling addiction to sweet sweet alcohol. That night I was a writeoff, and by all accounts, couldn't stop laughing at nothing all night.

Other people didn't go so hard either - Chris says he didn't, and a few other people mentioned it too. Sure, we all got drunk to some degree in the evenings and late into the night, but there certainly wasn't the same level of daytime shitfacedness. (The kind that begins at breakfast).

There were certainly attempts at that level of drunkness during daylight hours - I know Sean felt pretty damn happy with himself by 2 or 3 o'clock a couple of times, and Bucholtz downed a 40 of Peach Schnapps mixed with orange Gatorade one afternoon too. But it was, dare I say, a lot tamer than last year.

Part of that is my own fault though - I took it easy despite having numerous chances not to. I just was tired and lazy and stuck around the campsite a lot, instead of really trying to wheel this Jessica/Michelle Branch/Molly Hatchett broad, or going dancin' with Kels in the beer gardens at 3 o'clock in the morning because for the love of God she wouldn't quit demanding we go.

Oh well, wouldn't be the first time I missed an opportunity. Next time, maybe.

Still fun though, although I'd still say I had a better time at Funtastic. Drank more there too - which may be why some of us took it slightly easy in Merritt - Enderby was just a few weeks ago, after all.

And now we don't have much time off - Rach's b-day this weekend, Cannon's playoffs the weekend after that, and then August Long is rafting near Princeton.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Get ready liver, you poor, unsuspecting bastard.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

:: Merritt, the Prologue ::

"I might just die this weekend. If I do, you can have my DVDs." - Bucholtz

There are some events - Christmas, for one - where often the anticipation of the event is actually the best part. Not to say Christmas isn't good - it's fantastic - but the whole lead up to it is the funnest part. For me, anyhow.

I wonder if Merritt will be the same way. Granted, there hasn't been much anticipation for me because I only decided two days ago that I would, for sure, go. But even back in the spring, I was always looking forward more to Funtastic than Merritt, as far as the two big summer events go.

Then I wasn't going at all, for a few reasons. Now I am again.

And all day yesterday I was pretty excited. Then today at 9 a.m. I got a "WOOOOO!!!" text message from Kels, and was still jacked. Now, I've been home from work awhile, sat around and mellowed. Surfed the web, talked on msn, watched some tube.

To be honest, I'm pretty relaxed, and not nearly as pumped up as I was, even 12 hours ago.

Buchs heightened the mood considerable around dinner time with a Merritt-related purchase, so hopefully that feeling sticks around.

Let's drink.

In other un-related news, here is Buchs' interpretation of this picture of us, seen below:

"You look shocked in that pic. It's like 'Hey, what's going on? I dunno, I'm so scared right now - Hey where's my sandwich? Did I turn my oven off? Yeah, I did turn the oven off. You know what? I really like warm water penguins...Man is Kyle ever handsome. What was I thinking about? Oh yeah...mmmmm....cheez whiz."

And this is someone I associate with on a regular basis.

Ridiculous, I know.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Happy 22nd Birthday Chris!

Now stop sneaking into my house and eating my food you son of a bitch.

In other news, I decided to go to Merritt. Should be ugly, as always.

I apologize in advance.

Thursday, July 06, 2006


Last weekend, from Thursday until Monday, the Cannons made their first pilgrimmage to the Okanagan - to Enderby for Funtastic. The fun started on Thursday evening, when everybody hitched up and took off down the highway.

You might wonder how the fun could start the moment you leave a driveway - before the 4 hour drive has even begun. But you would be stupid to wonder such things if you knew us at all. People took wrong turns, people got drunk en route, numerous stops were made to piss and puke.... or maybe that was just me, Buchs and Scotty.

Regardless, without further adieu, our weekend...

Me: I like to think of myself as the white Dave Chappelle.
Buchs: I like to think of myself as the black Chris Farley.

"It's Enderby. We're better than everybody here." - Bucholtz, seconds upon arrival.

"Popping your eardrum is like blowing it in a chick's ass." - Buchs again, pleased with himself.

"If you dug a hole, shat in it, that's Enderby." - Scott, as Enderby takes another hit.

Me: What the hell town are we in?
Buchs: I dunno, Moose Knuckle Junction?

Lost out on some country-ass backroad...
"Do you think they still have the metric system out here?" - Scott

"I think all Enderby girls have herpes." - Buchs

"Welcome to Enderby. Population: Losers." - Jeremy, in perhaps the funniest thing he said all weekend.

Buchs: We're not making very good time.
Scotty: Don't worry about it - I do my best work at night. I'm like a bat.

After Buchs took one disgusting shit at a Vernon Shell station...
"Well fellas, that was pretty much the sum of my entire weekend."

On long drinking/camping trips...
"I can't ever take it easy because I have no idea what excessive is. I just keep going and going." - Bucholtz, completely sincere.


That about sums it up.

Excessive drinking. Excessive partying. Excessive crying. Excessive baseball. Excessive yelling. Oh who am I kidding, there's no such thing as excessive drinking.

We got there Thursday night, me and Buchs already drunk. Within a short time, all the calvalry had arrived. Kels showed up from some pub around 1 (or so she says, I really have no idea at all). We partied hard that first night - beer flowin', music cranked until probably past 4. The sun was coming up as I fell asleep.

Then we had a game at 8 a.m. Needless to say, it did not go well.

We were hungover as fuck - or still drunk - and we were not used to the Funtastic rules, nor were we really ready for the heat.

We got fuckin stomped.

But then, in very un-Cannon-like fashion, we went on a run. Won three straight games. Now, I don't really remember all the details of the game - the beer and heat sort of killed my memory of specifics - but we still did some damage. We didn't lose until playoffs when some power-hitting drunks took us for quite a ride. But it was another early morning game, and, once again, we were hungover as fuck.

Some of the highlights...

Chris chanting "Let's go Cannons!!" all night in the beer gardens. I wasn't really sure of his reasoning behind such a move, other than to be a drunken ass, but then I remembered what he told me on the way from the campsite from the gardens.

"When we leave, people are gonna fucking remember that the Cannons were here."

Mission accomplished, I'd say.

We spent a lot of time just hanging out drinking, tossing a football around, diving into the river off the bridge in town. And starting - or trying to "improve" - fights between a bunch of punk 18-year-old Enderby kids fresh outta high school.

They were real jackasses, and then some of them stole our fucking coolers - getting some beer, some Baja Rosa, and my fucking smokies.


Chris caught one 16-year-old dick with a backpack full of our beer, but I was slightly shocked to find out the next morning that he didn't pummel him from there to Armstrong.

There were a few other wicked parts of course - too many to probably write into one post, but I'd say, without a doubt, the high water mark was our good friend and right fielder Sean.

Who, with nearly no prompting, stripped down and streaked the Canada Day fireworks in front of probably a couple hundred people and firefighters.

We gave him the tourney MVP just for that. And he fuckin' deserved it.

Same time next year, right?