:: Sean's reputation ::

During warm-up before our playoff game last night (It was chilly out)...

Chris: Hey, nice pants - I thought you said you didn't have sweatpants anymore.

Sean, excited: Yeah I know, but the other day I found two pairs!

(pause)

Sean: Found them at my house...

(pause...Chris skeptical look)

Sean: They were mine... I'd already purchased them... then I found them again later... God, I can't believe I had to qualify that.

:: Random Memory #217 ::

When we first kicked around the idea of creating the Cannons slo-pitch team, Sean was one of the most enthusiastic supporters. He was also one of the first people to join the team, despite never having played baseball before.

We liked having Sean on the team – still do – but with limited experience playing the sport, he had a few struggles in the early years (and he wasn't the only one, either). But aside from the odd dropped ball, or ugly swing, or failure to stay at first base on a fly ball, the worst thing Sean ever did with the Cannons was something that did not even occur on the field.

One game during his rookie season, Sean did not have any extra money to purchase beer from the team's beer fund. So instead of just going one game without drinking beer, Sean decided he would instead steal some booze from his dad (editor's note: His new autobiography, Sean Stewart: Class Act should hit store shelves any day now).

And that was the day Sean brought a half-full bottle of wine to the Cannons game.

The very next day, the team instituted a very clear, sternly worded "No wine allowed" rule for all Cannons' games in the future. We'd have instituted this rule right from Day 1, but didn't think it would ever be necessary.

Sean did not play the following season, citing financial difficulties, which were no doubt just a charade to cover up his anger over the no-wine policy.

To further punish him for his grievous foul, while Sean sat out the Cannons' second season, we gave his #2 jersey to somebody else, and he was forced to switch to 19, which he continues to wear.

:: You never know ::

Yesterday, light-throwing pitcher Mark Buehrle – whose fastball sits at about 85 mph – threw a perfect game for the Chicago White Sox. It was only the 18th perfect game in MLB history, and this one was preserved in the ninth-inning because of a ridiculous at-the-fence leaping catch/bobble/barehand grab by outfielder Dewayne Wise.

In 2007, Buehrle also pitched a no-hitter – marred only by a walk he gave up to Sammy Sosa (who he promptly picked off first base, anyhow).

"I don't know how to explain it," Buerhle said. "I never thought I'd throw a no-hitter. I never thought I'd throw a perfect game. I never thought I'd hit a home run. That's why I've said never say never in this game. Because crazy stuff can happen." (MLB.com)

Now, why am I writing about Mark Buerhle? Because he's right – crazy stuff can happen.

Crazy stuff like the Cannons – despite a terrible year in which we forgot how to hit and went 9-12-1 – beating the first-place team in our first playoff game yesterday, the same day Mark Buerhle pitched the best game of his life.

Bodes well for us this weekend, I think.

You never know, after all.

:: Status updates ::

"Nicole's only boyfriend was deaf. That was the only way he could put up with her." - Kristyl, talking about an acquaintance's love life.

"Matt would give you the shirt of his back. The only problem is that the shirt would be pink and nobody would want it." - Ian's neighbour, Ryan, ragging on Ian's future brother-in-law, who earlier that day arrived home from teaching golf wearing white pants and a light pink shirt.

"It's my Cola Wars slurpee." - Christene, filling up her 7-Eleven collectible Terminator cup (Yes, she really bought one) with both Pepsi and Coke.

After buying a new power drill to fix his backyard gate...

Ian: I wish I had something else to drill.

Me: You could make a birdhouse.

Ian: If I was going to make a birdhouse, I'd just go to Home Depot and buy one of those kids birdhouse kits.... Then I'd probably just call my dad and get him to build it.

"It's like knowing you are going to get your hand chopped off. You know it's going to hurt, but there's nothing you can do about it so you might as well get it over with." - Kristyl's fine take on the actual process of giving birth, which she is getting closer and closer to.

"Why isn't Jesus good at hockey? Because people kept nailing him to the boards." - Bucholtz tells a joke.

"Affirmative action is bullshit." - Bucholtz again, this time after seeing a woman officiating a men's boxing match, and having trouble separating the angry combatants.

"If I'm driving after drinking some beers, I'm never under 0.08 anyway." - Sean, on why it doesn't matter if he gets rid of his 'N' on his driver's licence. For those who aren't aware, if you are a "new driver" you can't even blow 0.01 without losing your licence.

"It almost seems like you should have B.O. to match your mustache." - Christene, commenting on my wicked facial hair.

And on that note.....

Current Funtastic Moustache Status: Barely noticeable (It's blond for some reason)

And speaking of Funtastic, and therefore of the Cannons, we have bounced out of our losing streak by winning our last two games. On Sunday, we beat a crappy team by three runs, and followed that by beating an even crappier team Monday night by a single run. It's still embarrassing, but embarrassing wins are better than embarrassing losses.

:: Bad mistakes, we've made a few ::

Right now, the illustrious Cannons - reigning champions of Langley Mixed Slo-Pitch's division E1 - are in the midst of a bit of a slide. Losers of three straight. Losers of four of the last five or so. And, in Jeremy's case two games back, losers of our cool, too. (editor's note: Jeremy recently became the second Cannon to be kicked out of a game. Kudos, good sir. You are in good company.)

However, recent mistakes aside, this current misstep is far from our worst. As such, I present to you, in no particular order, the Worst Mistakes in Cannons History:

1. "Hey Nick, welcome back. You're playing third."
The inaugural Cannons season began in early April five years ago. The team won its first two games, and was something like 3-1 after the first few weeks. Then I, our standout third-baseman-turned-first baseman-turned-outfielder-because-there's-no-other-spot-to-hide-him returned from a nine-month sabbatical in Peace River, Alberta. We lost in my debut game, then 17 more in a row, and finished the season at 3-19. I like to think I helped.

2. Bucholtz plays drunk.
Friday night game. Buch's parents - even his lovely grandma - come to watch him play. Bucholtz, who has been at the peelers with his crew from work ever since mid-afternoon, arrives drunk and beligerent. For some reason, we let him play. He strikes out looking in the first inning, questions the umpire loudly and emphatically, then is benched, and sits on the bench the rest of the game. Diana is not proud.

3. Funtastic 2007. Um, I'm sure we all remember this...




For those you don't recall. This was taken after a drunken, very-public streaking of the Canada Day fireworks in Enderby. The all-male streakathon culminated in a group slip-and-side effort into dish soap, which stung eyes and nearly blinded everyone involved. Upon photograpic review, Bucholtz came perilously close to sliding right into both Sean and Groz's naked groinal areas.

4. Dana holds at third
It was the semifinals of the playoffs, and the Cannons have made a miraculous run from the last-place seed into the Final Four. We are down by a run in the final inning, and Dana - who has wheels - is at second base. The ball is smacked into the outfield, and it looks like we're about to tie the ol' score. Except whoever is coaching third - can't remember if it was Jeremy or Bucholtz or Ian - inexplicably holds Dana at three. Oh, there were two outs, by the way.


And sure, Katie came into the game and saved the day with a swinging bunt that scored Dana which is, to this day, is among the greatest plays in team history. And sure, we won the game easily in the extra inning, but still, that was not wise coaching. I would've sent her home - but unfortunately I'd already been kicked out of the game. Also, I was banned by my own team from coaching third base. But that's not the point here.


and finally, the last great mistake (Which ironically was actually the first)....


5. "Hey Mike, want to play on the softball team we're starting?"

It's fucking hot out.

This weekend, nearly over as I write this, was pretty decent - maybe not quite as spectacular as the last couple, especially the last few Fridays.

This Friday began with some baseball, and ended with beer in Bucholtz' backyard, til he gave most of us the boot 'round midnight.

There were a lot of B's in that last sentence.

Last night me and Bobby 'qued up some steaks and shrimp, then we all hung out in the heat at the ol' Scramstad abode. Almost all of us anyway - Gorski stopped by late in the evening for a little bit, and Kels was there in the beginning, but then just suddenly not.

We watched UFC, did flips on trampolines, and Bobby promised to draw my soon-to-be tattoo for me.

In other news, I've got my computer back now, If you couldn't tell. $160 later. Stupid viruses.

Short week this week for me. Monday-Wednesday, then its off to the Okanagan to get blitzed and win baseball games. Notice I said win and not just play. That's because we beat the best team in the league last week. Confidence is high. We are unstoppable.

Here are some quotes, some old, some not.

"Here's the problem..everybody who has a girlfriend doesn't want one, and everyone who doesn't have one wants one." - Bobby, summing up relationships.

Chris knows Sean well....
Sean: I'm going to do some laundry this weekend, and I'm also going to clean out my car.
Chris: Neither of those things are going to happen. You gotta start small - you've set unrealistic goals for yourself.

"I GOT FIDDLED!" - Buchs, after only getting to second base with a youngin' at a party. He also played an imaginary fiddle whilst complaining.

"I forget Vancouver even has a hockey team these days." - Chris, cheering for the Oilers in the Stanley Cup finals.

"Have you seen a seeing-eye dog crap? I don't think they do - how would their owners clean it up?" - Ashley, asking the tough questions.

Rachel: I'd rather take it in my ear than all over me.
Sean: I'll remember that.
(They were talking about beer being spilled on people. What'd you think it was? Sickos)

And I'll leave you with these two from one Mr. Bucholtz...

First, his phrase of the day: Quadicly Aquatated. I don't remember what the hell he was trying to say, but it was either that he wanted another beer, or was going to piss. One or the other.

"I wanna poke this young broad, but I don't want to put any effort into it. It's a real Catch-22."

And there, my friends, is quintessential Bucholtz. Wants to get laid without trying. I don't know how the fuck he does it, but it usually actually works.

Like he told Bobby last night, "Sometimes it's just so easy."

Easy? Jeez, I'm gonna have to start taking notes.

:: Big Win ::

That score above is no lie, my friends.

In quite possibly the most exciting game in the Cannons' three-year history, the perennial under-achievers/alcoholics - they of the 4-14 won-lost record - defeated the No. 1 god-damned team in the division, the 14-1 Finishers.

We hit the ball - home runs by Scotty and Buchs. We played some solid, solid defence - two clutch fly balls caught by Sean; two key outs tossed by Kels at 3rd and one by Chris at shortstop, and two pick'em-outta-the-dirt snags at first base by yours truly.

We had two straight three-up-three-down innings, too, for those scoring at home.

With a 9-7 lead in the bottom of the seventh and final inning, we - of course - almost Cannon-ed ourselves, putting two runners on base with no outs. But then Kels made a hard throw to first to nail one batter - on a play that I thought would be a base hit. That runner was a quick one. Good thing Kels has an arm on her.

Then Seaner caught a frozen rope to rightfield, setting up the next play, which will most likely be remembered from here on out simply as The Catch.

Up by just one run, with two runners in scoring position, Finishers mouthy second baseman sent a pop fly down the left-field line. It didn't look like Scotty was gonna make it to the ball - he's quick but there was a lot of ground to cover. For a moment I thought 'Dammit, this is the ball game right here.'

They would have scored at least one - and probably both - of the runners, thus handing us another loss.

But then Scott dove and somehow snagged the fucking ball out of the sky.

Three outs. (Or three potatoes in the sack, as Bucholtz says). Turns out I was right - that hit was the ball game after all.

"I think it's safe to say we finished off the Finishers." - Scott

Nice job guys.