:: Something only Christene and the Canucks themselves are happy about ::

Now that the 'Nucks have dispatched the L.A. Kings in six games, it was announced today that no matter what the second-round matchup turns out to be, the Canucks' second-round series will not begin until Friday.

Today, in case you were not aware, is only Monday.

So once again, Canuck fans have to sit around twiddling their hockey-gloved thumbs – or more likely, over-analyzing the shit out of the next round – while, on a positive note for one girlfriend, Christene gets her boyfriend's full attention for an amazing four consecutive days.

(Except Wednesday. I have baseball.)

:: Two responses ::

A girl in our office got engaged last night, and announced it to everyone in the office today. Some of us – the ones she told first – were happy for her, but generally cool about it. We didn't make a big fuss except to say 'Congrats.'

And then there was the rest of the office. There were two distinct responses. First, the sales women – they went completely batshit insane, as is their custom. "Ooooh my god Oooh my god!" they all screamed, in a collective voice too high-pitched for all but dogs to hear.

"Show us the ring! let's see let's see let's see!"

And then leave it to the two bitter, old ex-hippies to bring the party back down to earth. "Oh, marriage, eh? You're gonna keep your own name, right?"

And then one of the hippies managed to turn the conversation back around to make it about her – as is her custom – and about how she never thought she'd ever get married again but is thinking about it now.

Typical.

:: Bizarro World ::

First off, an apology.

I'm sorry friends. I truly am. I have caused some of you grief which you did not necessarily deserve, and heartbreak you most certainly did not want. I have wronged you, and I apologize.

You see, it was about 14 months ago that I – somehow, some way, against all odds and the laws of the universe – managed to snag myself a lady friend, and a fantastic one at that (That sound you hear is my stock going up with Christene). But there's been an odd twist over the last little while, too – something that I had not realized until Christene pointed it out earlier this week, during a bit of idle, random conversation.

"Don't you think it's weird that ever since you got a girlfriend, a lot of your friends' relationships haven't worked out?" she asked.

I had never realized it, but she was right. I mean, not to pick at old wounds or anything, but first there was Sean and Rach; then Ian and Bre; and then in an unexpected twist, my buddy Jay split with his wife. And if the gossip mongers are to be trusted (and if you can't trust them, who can you trust?) there has been the odd close call elsewhere as well, which is really none of anybody's business, but is out there nonetheless. Thankfully, each situation seems to have worked out for the best, which eases my guilt ever-so-slightly.

But it's still like bizarro world out there. Up is down, left is right, hamburgers eat people. Nick gets a girlfriend. Everybody else breaks up.

I feel a tinge of guilt, sure. In fact, to quote Bart Simpson after he cruelly sets up Mrs. Krabappel on a blind date with Gordie Howe/Woodrow (who does not exist), "I can't help but feel partly responsible."

I mean, had I known that my happiness would have upset the logical order of things as much as it has... I probably still would have done it. Yeah, I definitely would've still done it.

But I'd feel guilty as hell.

And for those of you out there still together and happy with your significant others, I applaud your resilience.

But be warned: The universe is pissed.

:: Track records and over-reacting ::

"When you said you were coming over, I thought we were going to have to clean out the basement again." - Christene's mom, when Christene went home for dinner one night this week, without me, because I had a prior commitment.

I guess this sort of thing has happened before.

:: Open up the 'Stick with your Wife' barrel ::

As far as relationships go, the last year or so has been a bit of a roller-coaster for a lot of people I know, and even more that I do not.

I mean, two pairs of my best friends have gone splits-ville earlier in 2009 – and a third occurred just recently – which has surprisingly turned out OK for all involved, or so it would seem to an outside observer. At the very least, nobody took a nine-iron to the back window of somebody else's truck.

And speaking of nine-irons, we've all been inundated with the "news" of Tiger Woods crashing his Escalade and allegedly cheating on his wife. I'll get on a rant one day soon about how this isn't exactly earth-shattering news (Cole's notes version of rant: If Tiger's infidelity has actually profoundly affect you as a golf fan or just a person, I feel kind of sorry for you. Focus on your own life, because Tiger is just a guy on TV.)

The point is, there's been a lot of bad relationship mojo floating around lately, and I don't like it. I mean, there's nothing anybody can do about it - things happen – but it's just bumming me out, man. Even last night, I settled in for a good night of TV watching, and what do I see? Larry David trying (successfully, for a change!) to get back with his ex-wife on the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and then a divorce-centric episode of Parks and Rec.

I'm no expert on relationships here (shocking to you all, I know), but unlike Tiger Woods and every single person I seem to see on TV this week, at least I've went 11 months (editor's note: Holy Shit, 11 months!) without any domestics, car crashes, TMZ reports or angry fights.

That's something, I think.

The lesson here? There isn't one, really. Except maybe try to be more like me, if you can (But I've suggested this idea before, on a number of different fronts, and it's never really taken off).

As for the rest of you – Chris & Jenna, Scotty & Kels, Jer & Katie, etc... – just try to keep it together, will ya? This whole splitting up stuff this is depressing me.

Oh, and Buchs and A-Scrams, you try your best, too. (Good luck, Amanda).

"I'm lucky I got married. I count my lucky stars every day that I get to see a boob." - Jeremy, after somebody made some dating joke/comment.

:: Find someone on Craigslist and shutup already ::

Even on the best of days, under the finest of circumstances, I do not want to hear two stauncy-independent single women – one in her 40s, the other in her mid-50s – discuss dating and the single life.

Especially when one of them says something like this:

"The problem with men is that they have to be taken care of. That's why I don't date – I've been taking care of men since I was 17 years old, and frankly, I've just had enough of it. I don't have time for that anymore."

Yeah, that's why you don't date.

Sure it is, sweetheart. Sure it is.

:: So...how ya doin'? ::

So most of us probably saw that Family Guy rerun last week - or at least you're familiar with it. (If you're not a FG fan at all, then you can go straight to hell).

It's the episode where Peter is ordered by his work to go to that female sensitivity camp, and essentially returns a week later without his dick.

The funniest scene is a few seconds later, when the newly "sensitive" Peter is in a bubble bath, and calls Quagmire for absolutely no reason. You know, just to chat.

"So Quagmire," Peter says softly.
"Whatcha thinking about?"

Quagmire is understandably disgusted and confused. Rightfully so. And hangs up the god damn phone.

The last, I dunno, year or so, I've felt the same fucking way when a certain person calls me. (And don't worry, it's none of you regular blog-readers.)

Now, don't get me wrong, I like this guy a lot - one of my good buds, but enough is enough. Yes, I know I don't call you that much, nor even return all my messages. Ask around dude, it ain't nothing new. And you aren't the only one to ever get annoyed by it. But I don't need to be badgered by a guy about it.

I actually got this today on msn (and in the past):

"Hey, you there?"
"Hello?"
"Dude, don't you ever check your messages?"
"Are you mad at me or something?"

Are. you. fucking. kidding. me?.

Christ.

I can't take it anymore. I've had it.

And on the rare occasion we're actually talking, it's either yakkin about nothing, or you complaining we never hang out, etc etc.. If I wanted that kind of nagging and guilt trips, I'd get a fucking girlfriend.

At least that kind of nagging comes with blowjobs.

I will allow for the slim fact that you just don't know how guys relationships work. We drink beer. We watch sports. We go to bars. We hang out and watch reruns of King of Queens while drinking beer and thinking about sports.

We do not call just to chat - unless the two friends live far away and don't talk to see each other much. In that case, calling just to catch up is fine. I have friends from school I rarely see, so I have no problem if, on a rare occasion, I talk to Mike or Dustin for a while.

But we live 10 minutes away. We have no catching up to do because my life is always the same - work, baseball, drinkin' beer, sleeping. Yours is similarly uniform, although not as exciting, if I may be the judge of such things (and I may be).

So let me break it down for ya. Here are the following acceptable reasons guys call each other.

1. Wanting to know where and when the drinking/party/hockey game/other event is about to occur. Making plans is perfectly fine.

2. "Wanna go to the peelers right now?"

3. Your car is dead/stolen etc somewhere and you need a ride or a jump or something.

4. You just saw a midget getting attacked by pigeons in the mall parking lot and you just have to tell somebody.

5. You just found a keg of beer.

6. "Seriously dude, we're going to the peelers like now! Get your coat!"

7. You've somehow maimed yourself and need a ride to the hospital.

8. It's 10:52 and you desperately need a lift to the beer store immediately.

9. You need to borrow money. (Acceptable question, but the answer's probably no).

10. You need a hand moving furniture or something else that takes at least two guys.

I think that's about it. You'll notice no sign of the phrases "just to chat", "how are you feeling?", or "Are you upset?"

There's a reason for that guys. It's cuz we have balls.

Next time one of these little "chats" happens I swear to God I'm just going to pull a Quagmire and hang up the god damn phone, and not answer it again until you've spent at least 2 weeks doing nothing but listen to Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden, fucked two chicks, dranked six bottles of Jack and 172 beers, all while watching porn and thinking about football.

And have learned proper god-damn phone ettiquette for guys.

It's fucking hot out.

This weekend, nearly over as I write this, was pretty decent - maybe not quite as spectacular as the last couple, especially the last few Fridays.

This Friday began with some baseball, and ended with beer in Bucholtz' backyard, til he gave most of us the boot 'round midnight.

There were a lot of B's in that last sentence.

Last night me and Bobby 'qued up some steaks and shrimp, then we all hung out in the heat at the ol' Scramstad abode. Almost all of us anyway - Gorski stopped by late in the evening for a little bit, and Kels was there in the beginning, but then just suddenly not.

We watched UFC, did flips on trampolines, and Bobby promised to draw my soon-to-be tattoo for me.

In other news, I've got my computer back now, If you couldn't tell. $160 later. Stupid viruses.

Short week this week for me. Monday-Wednesday, then its off to the Okanagan to get blitzed and win baseball games. Notice I said win and not just play. That's because we beat the best team in the league last week. Confidence is high. We are unstoppable.

Here are some quotes, some old, some not.

"Here's the problem..everybody who has a girlfriend doesn't want one, and everyone who doesn't have one wants one." - Bobby, summing up relationships.

Chris knows Sean well....
Sean: I'm going to do some laundry this weekend, and I'm also going to clean out my car.
Chris: Neither of those things are going to happen. You gotta start small - you've set unrealistic goals for yourself.

"I GOT FIDDLED!" - Buchs, after only getting to second base with a youngin' at a party. He also played an imaginary fiddle whilst complaining.

"I forget Vancouver even has a hockey team these days." - Chris, cheering for the Oilers in the Stanley Cup finals.

"Have you seen a seeing-eye dog crap? I don't think they do - how would their owners clean it up?" - Ashley, asking the tough questions.

Rachel: I'd rather take it in my ear than all over me.
Sean: I'll remember that.
(They were talking about beer being spilled on people. What'd you think it was? Sickos)

And I'll leave you with these two from one Mr. Bucholtz...

First, his phrase of the day: Quadicly Aquatated. I don't remember what the hell he was trying to say, but it was either that he wanted another beer, or was going to piss. One or the other.

"I wanna poke this young broad, but I don't want to put any effort into it. It's a real Catch-22."

And there, my friends, is quintessential Bucholtz. Wants to get laid without trying. I don't know how the fuck he does it, but it usually actually works.

Like he told Bobby last night, "Sometimes it's just so easy."

Easy? Jeez, I'm gonna have to start taking notes.