:: So...how ya doin'? ::
So most of us probably saw that Family Guy rerun last week - or at least you're familiar with it. (If you're not a FG fan at all, then you can go straight to hell).
It's the episode where Peter is ordered by his work to go to that female sensitivity camp, and essentially returns a week later without his dick.
The funniest scene is a few seconds later, when the newly "sensitive" Peter is in a bubble bath, and calls Quagmire for absolutely no reason. You know, just to chat.
"So Quagmire," Peter says softly.
"Whatcha thinking about?"
Quagmire is understandably disgusted and confused. Rightfully so. And hangs up the god damn phone.
The last, I dunno, year or so, I've felt the same fucking way when a certain person calls me. (And don't worry, it's none of you regular blog-readers.)
Now, don't get me wrong, I like this guy a lot - one of my good buds, but enough is enough. Yes, I know I don't call you that much, nor even return all my messages. Ask around dude, it ain't nothing new. And you aren't the only one to ever get annoyed by it. But I don't need to be badgered by a guy about it.
I actually got this today on msn (and in the past):
"Hey, you there?"
"Hello?"
"Dude, don't you ever check your messages?"
"Are you mad at me or something?"
Are. you. fucking. kidding. me?.
Christ.
I can't take it anymore. I've had it.
And on the rare occasion we're actually talking, it's either yakkin about nothing, or you complaining we never hang out, etc etc.. If I wanted that kind of nagging and guilt trips, I'd get a fucking girlfriend.
At least that kind of nagging comes with blowjobs.
I will allow for the slim fact that you just don't know how guys relationships work. We drink beer. We watch sports. We go to bars. We hang out and watch reruns of King of Queens while drinking beer and thinking about sports.
We do not call just to chat - unless the two friends live far away and don't talk to see each other much. In that case, calling just to catch up is fine. I have friends from school I rarely see, so I have no problem if, on a rare occasion, I talk to Mike or Dustin for a while.
But we live 10 minutes away. We have no catching up to do because my life is always the same - work, baseball, drinkin' beer, sleeping. Yours is similarly uniform, although not as exciting, if I may be the judge of such things (and I may be).
So let me break it down for ya. Here are the following acceptable reasons guys call each other.
1. Wanting to know where and when the drinking/party/hockey game/other event is about to occur. Making plans is perfectly fine.
2. "Wanna go to the peelers right now?"
3. Your car is dead/stolen etc somewhere and you need a ride or a jump or something.
4. You just saw a midget getting attacked by pigeons in the mall parking lot and you just have to tell somebody.
5. You just found a keg of beer.
6. "Seriously dude, we're going to the peelers like now! Get your coat!"
7. You've somehow maimed yourself and need a ride to the hospital.
8. It's 10:52 and you desperately need a lift to the beer store immediately.
9. You need to borrow money. (Acceptable question, but the answer's probably no).
10. You need a hand moving furniture or something else that takes at least two guys.
I think that's about it. You'll notice no sign of the phrases "just to chat", "how are you feeling?", or "Are you upset?"
There's a reason for that guys. It's cuz we have balls.
Next time one of these little "chats" happens I swear to God I'm just going to pull a Quagmire and hang up the god damn phone, and not answer it again until you've spent at least 2 weeks doing nothing but listen to Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden, fucked two chicks, dranked six bottles of Jack and 172 beers, all while watching porn and thinking about football.
And have learned proper god-damn phone ettiquette for guys.
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