:: It's so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice! ::
So you may have heard this already – either from the millions of news reports, or the incessant wailing from the red, sunburned masses – but it turns out we're in the middle of a lil' bit of a heat wave.
And with that in mind, here are a bunch of heat-related observations I have made in the last few days:
- People love to walk into a room and ask, to no one in particular, "Whew, is it hot enough for ya?!" and then they giggle in delight like they're the next Richard Fucking Pryor.
So since you asked, no, it's not hot enough for me. I'd actually prefer if the mercury rose a few more degrees – that way, even though I can't sleep at night, there exists a greater probability that you will spontaneous combust in a puff of flame and smoke.
- I have a portable air conditioner in my living room that does not work very well. However, at least I have one. Most of my co-workers do not, and have resorted to the following in order to get some sleep at night: Borrowing the four electric fans we have in the office (taking them home at 5 p.m., and bringing them back at 7:30 a.m.), filling a popcorn bowl with ice cubes and setting said cubes in front of a bedside fan, in the hope that the air will be cooled as it blows toward the bed (Failed), sleeping on the deck (Succeeded, even if it means sleeping like an animal), and my personal favourite – putting pillow cases in the freezer. (Failed, but still funny).
- Yesterday, the temperature gauge in my truck read 37 degrees. At 6:15 p.m.
- Someone told me yesterday that this was the first prolonged heatwave (which I assume means a couple of days) in the Lower Mainland since the 1880s. I, of course, immediately called shenanigans. Yes, it's hot. And yes, three to four days of 29-degrees-plus is pretty rare here, but c'mon – you're telling me that there hasn't been a warm week in 125 years?
Bullshit. Not that I can remember specifics, but I'm fairly sure we have had entire months (August) where it's roasting hot and sunny. Or if not an entire month, at least longer than this current half-week wave. I mean, yeah it's hot and uncomfortable and it's all anybody talks about, but for chrissakes stop over-reacting. It's been 3 friggin days, people.
And now, for a non-heat-related note:
- Every time a new Wal-Mart is built in a city – especially if, God forbid, it's built in a small town – the entire business community and the town stalwarts who've lived there since 1942 go crazy.
"It's a terrible, international conglomerate!" they scream.
"They're prices are so low it will ruin local business!" they holler in protest.
And usually, not being a frequent Wal-Mart shopper, I've always felt a tinge of sympathy for them, while also wondering if it's actually going to be as bad as they predict.
But yesterday, I ventured into the new, massive SuperCentre across the street from my office. I needed to get some camping groceries, plus a few other things.
And now I don't care what Wal-Mart ruins, so long as I can still buy me some toaster waffles for $1.50, and a huge bag of French fries for $1.99.
It truly was glorious – I bought more groceries than I usually do, plus some meat for my freezer, all for the low, low price of $55. So amazed was I with the savings – $1 for 6 glazed doughnuts! – that I actually found myself wandering around the grocery section looking for more incredible deals on food I didn't really need.
And for those of you who know me well, you know I hate shopping of any sort – especially groceries. But 12 mini-cinnamon buns for $1.25 eased my pain considerably.
So, sorry small-business owners, you're hooped. The reason people shop at Wal-Mart is not because they're horrible people who've turned their backs on the community, and they aren't people who don't care about the plight of the local economy.
They're just regular people who like their big bags of Zesty Doritos for $2 each.
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