:: That's what she (or he) said ::

The most entertaining and popular part of this blog has always been the quotes. Aside from my own witty remarks and rejoinders, of course. And since 2003, there's been a ton of 'em published here. So, as a result of work-day boredom and a very poor work ethic, they've now been compiled below.

All of 'em.

Credit on this project goes to Kelsey. We brainstormed it the other day, and she offered to go through five years of posts and collect em all in one easy format. And though this post will obviously get pushed down the page as I blog more, I'll put a permanent link on the left. Every once in awhile, I'll update this page with new quotes. But in the meantime, enjoy. (and see how many you can get through in one sitting without laughing so hard you have to stop. It's tough.)

So there they are, beginning with Year 1:

2003

"What we need to do is torch the classrooms, burn down the clocktower, and murder our teachers." - Melissa

"Fuck you sandwich!" - Meghan

Melissa: I have a brilliant plan.
Shaun: Oh crap.

Sitting through a tough class...
"I'm only taking notes to keep me from stabbing myself in the eye with my pen." - me.
"Kill me. Kill me now." - Silv

"I'm not dumb!" - Bucholtz

"I keep spilling stuff down my shirt and pants." - Meghan

"Food is good. Almost as good as something else." - Lorne

"I have an increasing urge to kill a lot of people." - Meghan

"Everyone who goes into 7-Eleven is a potential criminal." - Me

"I don't want to get inside a pedophile's mind." - Me, talking about atalk show where they interviewed a pedophile.

"I want to get inside a pedophile's mind...but I'll use a saw and a spoon." - Lorne

"Check out pink-shirt. I saw her at Upper College when she was doing laundry. She was wearing her laundry pants and...wow." - Carlos

"If you can't drink then you have no purpose." - Melissa

Melissa: If I called you and I was sad, would you sympathize with me?
Meghan: Not if you called and said you killed a puppy.

"I thought the ten bucks covered the drugs. Where's the drugs?" - Dustin, at our party.

"It was different because these were real cops, not Mexican cops that I could bribe." - Carlos

"I like pants, they keep me from...being pantsless." - Meghan

"If you cry and bake cakes you can manipulate people." - Melissa

"Al, we already decided you are number two. That would make you....number two." - Melissa, drunk.

"I didn't even realize I was talking until I heard noise coming out of my mouth." - Lorne

"When I put my clothes on I'll have more clothes on." - Melissa

"It's friday, I'm naked and I'm drinking. It's a good day." - Meghan

"I'm going to go up to random people and go 'Word to your mother!'...see how many time I get punched out." - Meghan

"Don't you love how every Saturday morning our house smells like a brewery?" - Meghan

"Can you imagine drinking beer out of a moose's head? Not even a skull, just a freshly decapitated moose." - Lorne, while drinking Moosehead Beer.

"Ah! Ass spears! Your boney ass is digging into my leg." - Lorne

"If I cared I'd be wearing pants." - Meghan

"If I was gay I'd be all over myself like spots on a leopard." - Lorne

"I'm a worthless piece of skin!" - Al

Meghan: I wonder why nobody puked or passed out last night?
Lorne: Because we're professionals at this point.

Al: What kind of party ends at 1 AM?
Me: The kind that starts at noon.

"I smoke, I drink like a fish, jesus christ what more do you want from me?" - Melissa

"When the sign says 'Dont feed the bears,' then don't feed the fuckin' bears. They don't eat pie in the wild." - Melissa

Nick: What we need now is a fluke goal or something.
Mike: Or for Osgood to die!!!

Nick: Mike, red light coming up.
Mike: What?
Nick: Red light!
Mike: What did you say?
Nick: I said you just ran a red light.
Mike: Oh crap...

"I was high on coke - I mean cold medicine." - Meghan

"I want to send in a letter to the editor with lyrics to a song I'll write about hanging Jesus, feasting on his organs, and desecrating his corpse." - Lorne, responding to an article in a Greyhound bus terminal religious magazine stating that heavy metal music is the tool of the devil.

"A rubber chicken connected with my testicle at a high velocity." - Lorne

"What is there to laugh about at 3 o'clock in the morning?" - Mohammed, my boss at the landscaping company, as he tried to comprehend how us "young people" can stay up so late partying.

Sean: I'm not feeling well, I just woke up.
Tara: Why did you just wake up?
Sean: Because I was sleeping.

Tony: There's a lot of dirt in this pile.
Me: Well, it's a dirtpile.

"Those are movie clouds." - Ian, drunk and explaining how great the sky looked on Saturday night.

"When I said take your time, I didn't mean take all the time." - Chris, telling Jeremy to hurry his slow-ass up and finish his beer.

"It was like Hallowe'en for old people." - Chris

Nick: Why did I just pay that chick five bucks?
Jeremy: Because she's hot.
Nick: Okay then.

"Why do we have ribs? I mean, what is their point?" - Mike

"That commercial is McGay." - Ian, commenting on a terrible McDonald's commercial for the McGridle.

"Hey Sean, keep your driving pants on." - Jeremy

Mike Bourke (drunk): Ah, good, at least I'm not a schizophenic.
Pat Bourke: No, but your fly is down.

"Hey Ian, I'm not paying you 10 bucks an hour to just stand around. Lie down and take a nap." - Mohammed

Pat: Hey Ian, did you get some of that cheesy bread?
Ian: Oh yeah? When's that coming?
Pat: It's already been here dude. It's gone now.
Ian: Oh, shit. What was on it?
Pat: I don't know, cheese and garlic and stuff.
Ian: So it was good cheescake?

"We have Bachelor degree's, you'd think we could put ourselves in alphabetical order." - Leigh Ford, as we got ready to walk out into Sport Mart Place for the grad ceremony.

"You know what? There might be a lot of boobs here, but I'd still rather hang out with Chris. That might make me sound queer, but it's the truth." - Ian, shitfaced on his 19th birthday at Roosters. (Chris was still 18)

Ian (with packaged condom he found): So, you wanna join me?
Waitress: Only if my husband can come too.
Ian: Sure, why not. He can come!

"So, she was hitting back with both rockets eh?" - My dad, after Jeremy and me tried to describe this girl we both knew who was, shall we say, well endowed.

"I'm in the nine year program and I might take the next year off." - Chris, talking about his approach to school.

"Do you think we could be any cooler?" - Jeremy (editor's note: No, we can't be.)

"There's no way I'm sitting here sober!" - Chris, after waiting in the lineup of cars for about 3 minutes.

Me: The Cowboy hat store had no hats that were my size.
Chris: You should've yelled at them.
Steve: No, you should go back there, take a hat, flip it upside down and crap in it. Then hand it back.

Some hot girl (yelling from down the road): I'm looking for Owen!
Fraser: I'm Owen! Over here, I'm Owen!
Some hot girl: You'd better be Owen!
Fraser: I'll be Owen you one in the ass if you don't get over here!

"Take off your tits!" - Chris, and also Jessen, when they meant to say either "take off your shirt" or "Show us your tits"

"Give me a ride asshole!" - Dave, drunk and trying unsuccessfully to get someone to give him a ride up the hill to tent city, rather than walk up the big hill.

"That's awesome!" - Chris and later Dave. All weekend long, this was the answer to anything weird that happened.

Craig: What day is it?
Fraser: It's Sunday morning, time to go.
Craig: What? Isn't it Saturday?
Fraser: No, you passed out last night at 10.
Craig: So it's not still Saturday night?
Fraser: No.

"Fraig! That's the greatest name ever! I'm gonna name my kids that!" - Ian, after combining Fraser and Craig's names together when he was drunk.

"She said 'I'm pregnant' and I said 'I'm movin' to the West Coast." - Fraser, explaining why he moved to B.C from the East.

"Hey guys, I met Andy Moog's daughter. Andy Moog!" - Chris, repeatedly throughout the weekend.

Jeremy: This is how I look at it. In the wild, if there's a herd of buffalo, the weaker, slower buffalo get killed off. And if the herd losses all the slow, weak ones, it makes itself stronger as a whole. Now, everyone knows that beer kills brain cells. But I think that beer only kills the slow, weak brain cells, which then makes my brain stronger, just like all the buffalo.
Nick: Then how do you explain the battery shoved up your nose?

Marcus: Hey, those girls are pretty hot.
Me: They're a little bit young dude.
Marcus: Yeah but I'm American, with the exchange rate it all works out.

"I have the I.Q of chicken." - Bucholtz

"A bowl of mayonaise is probably smarter than me." - Bucholtz

"It's a meat shoppe during the day and a bar at night." - Mike, talking in his sleep.

"If I curled my entire body into a ball it still wouldn't be as big as that guy's ass." - Doug

Jeremy: Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go home, turn on the giant 51" T.V and see if I can find any naked boobs. They'll look huge!
Me: Dude, it's Sunday night, you aren't going to find any porn.
Jeremy: Hey, I might find some. There's a good chance.
Me: What, you think there might be some leftover porn from Saturday night T.V that they just couldn't fit into the schedule so they just try and sneak it in on Sunday?
Jeremy: Yeah, it'll be on those TLC learning type channels and they'll try and disguise it as some kind of educational show.
Nick: Oh yeah, like "Trading Spaces.....and sex!!"
Jeremy: (laughing uncontrollably) Yeah, exactly!

"I'm the president of the Nick Fan club right now." - Spigs

"There are a lot of natives here, but if a black person or somebody else comes to town its like, big news. This is about the whitest town in Canada." - Ken, my old editor.

"First rule here - don't listen to anything anybody says." - Ken, on my first day on the job.

Dayna: Ken, you better not hire a retard for a news reporter.
Ken: Well I hired Nick didnt I?
Dayna: Well Nick hasn't done anything to me to prove he's a retard.
Ken: Well he hates the Oilers.
Dayna: I said he wasn't a retard, I never said he wasnt stupid.

"I want an office where people feel free to spank their monkeys." - Meghan

Ken: Nick, I can't take it anymore, I'm going for a damn walk.
Me: Alright, go nuts. Why are you taking your keys?
Ken: I'm driving.
Me: Okay then, enjoy your walk.

Ken: Me and Nick are playing road hockey after work.
Jessica: You are? Well did you even ask him if he wanted to first?
Ken: I don't have to ask him, I'm his boss.

Shelly: Have you tried that stuff, broccolini?
Marie: Yeah, its good. It's a cross between broccoli and cauliflower.
Shelly: Then why is it called broccolini? What's with the 'ini' ? Shouldn't it be broccoflower or something?

Mike: You simply cannot compete with my devious tactics.
Nick: I'd still kick your ass.
Mike: As if. I'd have the power of Papp on my side, which you foolishly bestowed upon me. In your unwitting ways you have sealed your doom.
Nick: That's okay, I'll have fish guy on my side!
Mike: Fish guy? Who, Seabass? aka Alan Bass? Dude, you can HAVE Alan Bass, what's he going to do, wave a textbook at me?
(pause)
Mike: No, wait. He'd be great in a fight! As soon as things get tough...he'd resign!

"I have to take my contacts out but I can't find my pants." - Melissa

Ken: Ah, I fuckin' hate this song.
Laura: Really? Me and Jessica always thought this is the song you dance naked to in front of the bathroom mirror.
Ken: The only thing I do when I'm naked in front of a mirror is say 'Damn, that's big."
Me: Oh, you too eh?

While playing some gun-shooting, deer-hunting video game...
Me:(after reloading the gun at an astounding speed) Wow, I shot a lot of bullets.
Laura: Didn't your hand get sore from reloading that quickly?
Me: No, I live by myself and don't have a girlfriend - my right hand is the strongest muscle in my entire body.

Me: Just ask her out then, man.
Ian: I'm too much of a chickenshit, I'm used to just picking up drunk sluts.
Me: Trust me, just suck it up and do it, you don't want to miss your chance.
Ian: Yeah, you're right.
Me: So does this girl live in your building?
Ian: Yeah, down the hall.
Me: Well I'm going to go make some hot chocolate, that'll take like three minutes. So by the time I get back, you'd better have asked her out.
[a few minutes pass]
Me: I'm back, so did you go talk to her yet?
Ian: Oh yeah, we already had sex and I then I kicked her out. Now I'm reading emails.
(For the record, this mystery girl was Bre)

Ian: Be right back, I'm going to make some beefaroni.
Me: Alright.
Ian: Hey, do you think that Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meat balls is better then beefaroni? Me: No, beefaroni's where it's at dude, make that instead.
Ian: Yeah, okay. Be right back again.

Ian: We were partying last night, I had like 13 beers, and then Bre and I were, you know, gettin' a little 'frisky'. So I went for the bra and unlatched the two prongs so I think i'm in...
Me: What do you mean, you think?
Ian: There was a third prong!!!
Me: Oh yeah?
Ian: And that last prong totally kicked my ass. I just couldn't get it. It was like some kind of super bra.
Me: So then nothing happened then?
Ian: No. It would have, but by the time I got it I had ruined the moment for myself.
Me: Ouch, scoring denied by the infamous third latch.
Ian: No kidding, it was horrible, like something from out of this world.

Player: You're really goin' to town on that Coke, eh coach?
Coach: Well tonight I need all the caffeine and energy I can get.
Player: Why?
Coach: Victory sex.
Player: Victory sex? But we win every game.
Coach: Why do you think I like you guys so much?

"I don't see the logic in building a city in uninhabitable conditions. It would be like building a city underwater. It's just not meant to be." - Carlos, after hearing how cold it is in Peace River.

"Chicks dig the long ball." - Darcy, the Jr. B hockey coach

"Don't you know I like snowmen? Where's my fuckin' snowman!?" - Shelly

"Nick, get over here and come get your picture taken with the Chinese people." - Shelly

"Hi Nick, it's me...Shelly." - Shelly, like 4 inches from my face, just in case I didn't recognize her.

Jessica: Shelly, what are you doing?
Shelly (smoking): I'm having my Christmas cigarette.
Ken: Christmas cigarette? What the fuck is that? Hey Nick, let's go get the Christmas bong.

"Me and Nick are screwed because we're the only guys here and we're going to end up with bath salts or something. The only thing we're gonna do with bath salts is smoke 'em." - Ken, talking about the disadvantage of the random gift exchange at work.

"If you want to play the fiddle you'd better be prepared to pay the piper." - Darcy, Jr. B hockey coach, mixing his metaphors in an angry diatribe after the game.

"I don't read the blogs unless I know I'm going to be in them." - Melissa

"I shit with great haste! - Sean

2004

"Fat chicks in too tight clothes should be banned from taking the bus. I know that sounds mean, but my eyes do not appreciate such spectacles." - Carlos, after a bad day of riding Kamloops Public Transit.

"Ian likes money. It makes me drunk with love...oh, and beer." - Ian, talking in the third person about his lack of funds and a job.

"Ah the life of a swingin' bachelor. I remember when I was single....eating out all the time and drinkin' beer, never cooking for myself. Now I'm married though...and actually, still don't cook for myself." - Darcy

Me: What are you going to take a picture of?
Ken: I gotta go to some stupid place to take a picture of some stupid people doing something stupid. You know, the usual — stupid.

Chris: She was a butter face.
Nick: She was also a butter ass, butter legs and butter boobs.
Chris: But....
Chris, applying the "Within reason....but not really" principle that we came up with in Merritt

"I just wanted to go sober -- drunk. I didn't want that transition period." - Chris

Deb: There's a lot people in my family back in Quebec into bad stuff. We've got alcoholics, drug dealers, drug addicts, gamblers.
Dayna: I think almost every family has a few people like that.
Deb: Oh no, this is way worse than the usual family.
Dayna: Oh, well that's nice to have that many addicts in the family.
Deb: Yep, when my family finds something we like we go full out. No messin' around.
(editor's note 5 years later: She turned out to be an addict, too)

"I thought we'd get to watch porn, but I was sadly mistaken. Also, there were no hands on demostrations, which is unfortunate because there are some hot girls in that class." - Al, talking about the sexuality class he's taking at UCC.

Jess: We're going to register at the Bay, because they have lots of different stuff.
Ken: The Bay? I don't wanna register there, all we'll end up with is a million towel sets and some plates. That's not good for me. What's in it for Ken?
Jess: Well what do you want to get then?
Ken: A chainsaw.

Ryan: Dammit Nick, there's no more thin-crust left. You wouldn't know anything about that would ya?
Me, with the last piece of thin crust in my hand: No sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Ryan: Well now I'm gonna have to kick the crap out of ya.
Me: Well okay, I guess I'll have to put something in the paper that says your the worst player on the team.
Ryan: Okay, fair enough. I won't kick your ass then, I'll just punch you once instead.

"Do you want another quickie?" - Jen, talking to someone at the front of the offfice.

"Bre has massive wops but they are far away wops," - Ian, lamenting the fact his Bre was in Prince George.

Jess, talking to Ken: I'm tired and I have a headache....that means no sex in case you were wondering.
Ken: Well fuck, why don't you just add the "It's my time of the month" excuse in there too and go for the triple play.

"Man, that really blows. Is there any very minor sports in town? Like mule racing or shopping cart demolition? - Dustin, after I told him it was a slow news week.

"It makes my mouth dry and then it sticks to the inside of my mouth and it takes like an hour to get it all out of my teeth." - Sarah (She was talking about cake, you perverts).
(editor's note 5 years later: She wasn't always talking about cake. Giggity.)

Kristin: So, when are you leaving this place?
Nick: My answer to that question changes depending on who else is in the room.
Kristin: Okay, nobody's here but me.
Nick: Soon then.
Kristin: I don't blame you.

Nick: I don't know what I'll do with all my furniture.
Mom: Don't worry there's plenty of room.
Nick: How the hell is there plenty of room? I've got a lot of stuff.
Mom: We got rid of some stuff.
Nick: Again?
Mom: You won't even notice.

After the new editor, who's an African/Arab-looking guy, came by to say hello briefly.
Dayna: I thought he was a terrorist.
Me: Seriously, that's the first thing you thought of when you met him?
Dayna: I'm a terrible person.

Right in the midddle of a work day...
Jen: Hey nick I'm going now to go get a manicure.
Nick: Alright, I'm gonna stay here and, you know, do our job.

"Just a word of advice guys. If you ever walk into a place where all the walls are pink, then you're probably in the wrong bathroom. And if any women in there scream, then you definitely are." - Mark, the drunken husband of a co-worker, after he took a wrong turn at the bar.

"I'd probably be the only guy going to that movie to see Jesus strung up." - Dustin, talking about going to see The Passion of the Christ.

"I'd be like 'Jeeeeeeessssuuuuuss! Jeeeeeeeessssuuuusssss!'" - Dustin, again, this time demonstrating his heckling ability.

"I've made out with half the program." - Meghan

"Oh, that's my skank-erific shirt." - Meghan

"There were four 3 Ninjas." - Bucholtz, talking about the early '90s movie. Math never really was his strong suit.

As Ian spilled beer on the deck...
Someone: Ian, you're wasting beer!
Ian: Well at least it's going to a good cause...getting a dog drunk!

"You know what's great about our group of friends? We can just sit around doing absolutely nothing, and then all of a sudden we've got a big fire going and it kicks ass." - Sean

Brad: I know exactly why I say everything I say.
Nick: Okay, why is that?
Brad: Uh, I'll tell you later.

"Every three to six months I come back here with a big box and just clean house. Last time we found Jimmy Hoffa." - Rob, talking about how messy some people's desks were.

"Tonight has 'Mess' written all over it." - Ian

"Hey Nick, guess how many beers I've had? I had seven, then four...and seven and four is 62...so I've had 74 beers." - Gorski, completely hammered, obviously.

"Carnies get me every time!!" - Chris, after carnival games kicked his ass.

"Beer me up Scotty!" - Ian

"The Internet sure is getting neat." - some woman at my work today.
Good insight. Welcome to 1995 lady.

Jer: aaaoooooooohhh.
Nick: What was that?
Jer: I was yawning. Yawning, you know? It's the past tense of yawn.
Nick: No Jer, it's not.

Advertising woman: Oh no, my cats are just going to be so scared. They hate thunder. My poor babies!
Rob: *scoffs* You know what I'd do with a cat in a thunder and lightning storm? I'd take it outside, staple it to a tin roof and hope for the best.

"You know what I like? Boobs." - Ian

Heather: Let's go to Darby's Pub.
Bruce: Oh sure, we'll walk up there and nobody will come up with us and we'll be like "Oh they got us with the ol' 'let's go to Darby's Pub gag' and then instead of going in the pub we'll go to John's knife shop and pick up a couple of big knives and come back here and say 'hi here are some knives, it's a peace offering for your little trick. No hard feelings.' Then after they have the big knives maybe they won't try and trick us again.

"You know what I want to do right now? I want to go over to that DJ, Russ or whatever his name is, and go to shake his hand and say 'Nice job, way to download songs off the internet for a living' and then when he's expecting the hand shake I'll stick a chloroform rag in his face, drag his body under the table and then take over the music and play nothing but New Kids on the Block and line dancing songs." - Bruce, further enhancing his awesomeness.

Meghan: It was a good class, we got to form our our caucus- hehe, I can't even say that word without laughing.
Nick: It's like the word titmouse.
Meghan: It's a good thing we're grown adults.

"It's like an orgasm for my feet!" - Gorski, after putting his blistered foot up against the air conditioning in the car.

"Hi, I'm Scott. You may remember me from such things as 'Yesterday' and 'Brad's party on Friday.'" - Scott, doing his best Troy McClure impression.

"I was so bored I counted how many black people drove past all day long...There were seven." - Jenna.

Me: You should nail her.
Doug: I know, but she just found out that she's pregnant.
Me: So what? That's perfect - she can't get more pregnant.
Doug: That's a damn good point.

"I'm surprised I don't get arrested more often." - Bucholtz

A 2 a.m. drunken phone call...
Bucholtz: Hey Nick!
Nick (asleep): ...what?
Bucholtz: Fuck you!

"Take off would ya?...I hear the Great White North is a beauty way to go." - Bucholtz

"Why is the sky blue? I always wondered that." - Chris, very drunk.

"I'm like Jesus except it's only deeper," - Lorne, walking through, not on, water.

"I haven't been this upset since the credits came on at the end of The Never-ending Story," - Dale, upset about false advertising.

Rob: So, Canada finally won a medal eh?
Nick: What'd they win in?
Rob: Oh I don't know, some ridiculous made-up event. I think it was the 'Synchronized diving for quadripeligic athletes whose mothers were anemic' event.
Nick: Ah, a real classic.
Rob: Yeah, I hear four people were there to see it.

"If Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was re-created in this day and age and they set it in Surrey, there'd be cops surrounding that house in 15 seconds and social services wouldn't be far behind." - a co-worker

"I don't know what I did this time. I remember her saying 'Your drunk' and I said 'Yeah, so?' then I must've said something that wasn't the smartest thing to say, because she turned away." - Ian

"When I'm drunk I grab more things than I do when I'm sober." - Ian, same conversation.

"It's like I went to the store for the full-size pillsbury pizza and only came home with the minis." - Ian again, same conversation (again), on not getting any.

"We should just sell out and be called Coca-Cola University...The choice of a new education." - Silv, discussing new names for UCC.

Dale: I promised Melissa that I'd get her the biggest possible random thing for her birthday.
Me: So what'd you get her?
Dale: Twenty bucks.

"Tonight we're gonna get loaded then have a plum eating contest." - Dale

"Any day above ground is a good day." - Chris

"Jesus Christ, look at the cinnamons bouncing around on that one." - Jeremy

"Stop talking. You're using ten dollar words to make a five cent point." - Rob, arguing with a complainer who called in to our office today.

"I don't want to be alone my whole life, I don't want to end up with cats. I hate cats." - Melissa, discussing the cons of never getting married.

"Dammit, this poor cookie only has one chance at life and I went and bunged it up." - Me, after a poorly iced gingerbread man.

Steve: My cat scratched me three months ago and I still have the mark.
Steve (singing): Cat Scratch Fever!!!
Me: I think I've been hanging out with you too much because that song is the first thing that popped into my head too.
Steve: Well, you're not quite at the point where you start singing them out..that'll come in 6 to 8 more months.....It's called musical tourette's.

2005

"I love Chingy, but if I ever saw him on the street I'd punch him in the face." - Gorski

"Pants are for geeks." - Jenna

"I am magical with my words but I am also a thing of beauty." - Ian, after being told his face was no longer in this blog's main picture, but that his phrase, Classic Times, was being used as the new title.


"What do I look like, a change machine?" - Jenna


Sean: I saw you driving down 96th today.
Nick: I saw you too. I was gonna wave, but then, well, I decided not to.
Sean: Yeah, that's understandable. If I saw me driving down the road, I'd probably finger myself...
Sean: ....in the ass.

"If it's such a small world why don't I ever run into Batman?" - Gorski, on knowing people.

Me: Fuck, that kid owes us some money then too.
Ian: Nah, he's schizophenic.
Me: Seriously?
Ian: yeah, he really is.
Me: Okay, they he's paying twice.

"I was born without testicles - I have implants....I should've asked for bigger ones." - Bucholtz

"Give 'im the side hammer!" - Jenna. (for those not in the know, the side hammer is a punch to the ear...apparently)

"I wish I was gay. It'd make things so much easier." - Bucholtz

"If I headbutt a girl is that bad?" - Bucholtz, on fighting back.

"You know what? I'd totally do his sister." - Ian, tanked.


Some chick: Where do you work?
John: I deliver flowers for a living.
Gorski: I deliver shut the fuck up.


Chris: Hey, where did the Hip play when we saw them the first time?
Nick: Shutup, there's lesbians over there making out.
Chris (turning around to look): SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!!

"Trevor Linden doesn't have kids? Well, he can have my kids anytime!" - Jenna

"I'm gonna get a cat and name it Molson and I'm gonna get like six dogs at the same time, and they'll all be pals. Then when they're older they'll mate and I'll have catdogs." - Jenna

"I got paid on a Friday and I didn't even get drunk...I deserve some kind of trophy- A big one like the Stanley Cup." - Gorski.

"Actually, I wouldn't want to win the Stanley Cup, I don't think I could lift it up and that'd be pretty embarrassing." - Gorski again.

"This is like the greatest Thursday ever." - Ian, drunk on the way home from Slapshots. (for the record, he was the only drunk one)

"I was in there, without even being there." - Ian again, this time after Kelsey told him she had a dream where the two of them were making out.

"Hey Nick, you don't happen to have a giant Twix on you, do you?"- Ian

"She thinks she's like the King of New Zealand or something," - Gorski, discussing a certain person we know who thinks very highly of herself (but we're not sure why).

"Boobies are way better than Jesus." - Johnny.

Pat: Okay guys, just here to get my eggs and milk. Where are they?
Us: The eggs are against that tree. We chucked them at it last night when we were drunk.
Pat: Oh....well then where's my milk?
Brad: I didn't like milk being in my beer cooler so I threw it in the river.
Pat: You fuckers.

"You know what we should do more often? Punch each other in the face." - Bucholtz. Ian and Buchs then proceeded to deck each other. Ian got a bruise on his jaw, Buch's got a fat, bleeding lip.


"GIV'R TO THE LIVER!" - Ian, chugging beer and proud of his rhyming abilities.

Ian and Bucholtz, talking about how the hell Bucholtz doesn't have like 43 kids by now.
Ian: Maybe you have no boys.
Buchs: I'm pretty sure I got balls down there. Everytime I jerk off there's something banging against the chair.

"I love summer because all the girls come out - I don't care how old they are either, because in the summer there are no rules." - Gorski.

"My best friend LOVES to fish but I just don't get it. I went out with him once, and after a few minutes I was just like 'Hey, why don't we just go buy a fish? It'd be a lot easier.'" - Melissa's new landlord.

"Everytime I see Bucholtz I'm just amazed at how he functions in life." - Melissa.


Jeremy: Well, I'm leavin'. I'm gonna blow this popsicle stand.
Sean: I wish I was a popsicle stand.

Sean: I hate this commercial
Me: YOU'RE a commercial.
Sean: Uh, no I'm not.
Me: That's too bad, if you were a commercial you'd be gone in 22 seconds.


"It's like watching a retard trying to eat a sandwich." - Bucholtz, as Gorski was trying, unsuccessfully, to do something (I can't remember what).

"Me and life aren't getting along right now." - Bucholtz again.

"Hey...you're dumb." - Kelsey, to me, for absolutely no reason.

And here, Jeremy stops Gorski from re-telling the same story for the 50th time.
Gorski: That was crazy when I fell in the river. I thought I was going to die....
Jeremy: Quit living in the past Brad!


"I don't wanna acquire new tastes, I just wanna get drunk." - Brad's brother Scott, who was drinking Smirnoff Ice, and apparently had no desire to start drinking beer.

"I imitated butt-fucking some guy the other day. I was pretty good at it." - Sean, moments after he busted out his "gay-voice", despite Rachel's disgust and objection.

"Chris, where's your flashlight? I need it to dig a hole." - Sean

"I have lots of pictures of dicks." - Kelsey


A pair of moments with Kelsey and our camping neighbour, Mauricio
"Are you lesbian?" - Mauricio.
Once the answer to that question was deemed a decisive NO, came moment #2....
Mauricio puts arm around Kelsey...

Kels: DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mauricio: Ahh, haha I didn't think so.
Kels: Next time go with your instincts.

Steve: I don't know if I could eat a beaver.
Me: Yeah, me neither. I mean, it's a beaver, what do you do after that, wipe your mouth with the Canadian flag?
Steve: Yeah, then you pay for it all with loonies and go out and shoot a moose in the face.

Kelsey combines shopping and road rage...
Kelsey: I bought four pairs of sandals.
Me: Whadda you need that many pairs of sandals for?
Kelsey: Cuz I'm a girl....FUCKING CHRIST!!
Me: Uh..what?
Kelsey: This stupid idiot just stopped at an intersection with a green light. I should drive right in the back of his fucking Nissan Altima.

"I'm so dangerous I should be illegal." - Kelsey

Kelsey: I'm funny.
Me: You're dumb.
Kelsey: That's why I'm funny.

"You can see my underboob. There's a freckle on it." - Kelsey, admiring her insanely red sunburn.

"It doesn't help when you bring out your 'ness." - Ian, hammered. Not sure yet what Kelsey's 'ness' is.

"Okay, this is what we're gonna do. We'll go get some hookers, some homeless midgets, and a big bag of blow. Then we'll put the homeless midgets in a room, throw in a can of Chunky soup, and see which one comes out with it." - Bobby

Chris: Where the hell is your shirt?
Ian: I got hit with a watermelon.

Kelsey: Hey, I made it through a whole weekend without hurting myself!
Nick: You're sunburned.
Kelsey: Dammit! I really thought I had one there!

Steve: Jeez we're funny.
Me: Damn right. We're awesome.
Elaine: I think we're going to have to separate you two. It's like reccess over there.

"If it was up to me I wouldn't even have feet." - Kelsey

"I have rocket boobs." - Kelsey, again.

"When I'm rich I'm going to have an underground shuttle system that goes right from my house to the mall...Or maybe i'll just get a time machine." - Kelsey (Completely sober).

"Let's buy cocks. Big hairy cocks." - Bucholtz, talking about getting some roosters and starting up a cockfighting tournament.

"BET is bullshit. If I started a white man's T.V. network there's no friggin' way that would work. They already have UPN what the fuck else do they want?" - Bucholtz, in fine form.

Today at ball, for some reason talking about small horses...
Kelsey: They're called miniature horses.
Nick: They're called quarter horses aren't they?
Kelsey: Are you kidding me? Quarter horses are like race horses. You thought they were called quarter horses because they were a quarter of the size of a real horse?

"The only rally I've ever heard of is the puke-and-rally." - Brad, after someone mentioned how we needed a rally to comeback in our pitiful ball game tonight.

"You know what really pisses me off? I didn't start eating potato salad until like a year ago. I missed out on a lot of potato salad eating opportunities." - Kelsey, lamenting 19 years of missed opportunities.

"I'm like one of those guys in the army...you know, soldiers?" - Bucholtz

"It did not get cool until I got here." - Kelsey

"Maybe I'll just not let anyone come over and I'll stay at home and build lego all night." - Ian, on his potential change of plans.

"What do you think is better - having one of those wheelchairs you control with your mouth, or having a big Swedish guy carry you around all day in a giant snuggly?" - Bucholtz

"Or maybe I'll just ride around on a giant hippo." - Bucholtz finds a third option to the above dilemna.

Chris: Where's Jenna?
Buchs: She's inside with Amanda, talking about yarn, or whatever it is girls talk about.

Bobby: Hey - are you drinking my beer?
Jer: No.
Bobby: Are you sure? Do you want to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

"All you people are garbage." - Bobby

"You know what they say...liquor before beer - Hey are we going to the fireworks?!" - Brad, combining ADD and alcoholism.

"My mom is like McGyver." - Kelsey

Bucholtz: Don't you just want to light things on fire sometimes?
Me: Uh...no.
Bucholtz: Me neither...who does that?

"I use boobs all the time." - Kels

"I'm just trying to drink through it." - Sean, after a particularly tough week.


"I have pillow boobs." - Kels


"Remember when Stewie left a time bomb in Lois's uterus?....I really wish I hadn't said that word." - Sean, talking about Family Guy.

Ian: You're slightly standing behind me.
Sean: Uh, no I'm definitely standing behind you.

Bucholtz: I'd definitely be down for some racquet sports right now...Actually, instead let's kidnap a dog and dress it up like a clown.
Bobby: I'd prefer to kidnap a cat and dress it up like a dog.
Bucholtz: That's just crazy enough to work!

Me: I have like 65 bites on my legs.
Bobby: I'm brown.


Bobby: Are we going yet?
Ian: No.
Bobby: How long are we staying then?
Ian: At least...longer.

Brad: Hey, what's shakin?
Me: Nothing.
Brad: Cool. Can I get a ride with you guys tonight?
Me: Sure.
Brad: My balls are itchy.

"I feel like a monkey's ass. This is the worst I've ever felt in my whole life." - Chris

Brad: Wow, she's hot eh?
Buchs: She's a stripper...so yeah.

"Yeah, she's a crazy bitch." - Jer, in Merritt (I think he was talking about Katie, but I can't remember now.)

Kelsey: Eww, look at all those bugs on you.
Chris: Those aren't bugs, they're my little friends!

Me: That's awesome!
Brad: It's like waking up to waffles!

Random chick at Roosters (who had previously told us she had a kid): Do you have a condom?Chris: No, I don't use 'em.
Chick: You should always use one!
Chris: You're the one with the kid, I don't think you should be lecturing me on using a condom.

Some kid named Jay: I'm from Canoe.
Buchs: I'm pretty sure that's not even a place.

Sean: What are you talking about?
Derrick: I don't know but if you don't like it you can get the fuck out.

"I'm gonna shave my entire body, roll around in the snow then go kill some Elves." - Bucholtz

"I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. It's OK though - it's a good way to meet people, and I won't mind going to meetings." - Melissa

Doug: Well I can't pop the lock. What we may have to do is just get the big, long tool and fish the keys out.
Chris: Yeah, well thats great, but how are you gonna do that?
Doug: We'll go through the door.
Chris: And once you do that, how are you going to get the keys on this side of the door?
Doug: Hmm...good point.

"It's not a zoo, it's a captivity warehouse." - Kelsey

Me: Oakland's stadium is in a pretty shitty part of town.
Steve: Yeah...Oakland.

"I'm so uncool I should drive a mini-van." - Keith, a 40-something guy we were rafting with. He was upset that he doesn't know what music is cool anymore.

"I don't understand why people come up to other people and say 'Wow, you look tired.' Basically they're saying 'You look like shit.' Would you walk up to a fat person and say 'Gee, you look really full?' No, of course not." - Keith again.

On why Brad doesn't want to eat salmon for dinner...
"Who wants to eat the same thing as bears?"

"It might've been Digby. He digs - that's why he's called Digby. If he didn't dig, he'd just be Normalby." - Bucholtz.

Bucholtz: I lost my shirt. I think it's at Lambie's house.
Chris: It's probably lost there with Ian's phone.
Bucholtz: I could have a shirtphone!

"When my kid is 10 or 12 I'm just gonna wake him up at like 4 a.m. for no reason at all. When he asks why I woke him up I'm just gonna say 'It's payback, bro.'" - Financing manager at the car dealership where Melissa bought her car, talking about how his young son always wakes him up in the middle of the night.

"Somebody could've walked in here and just stolen our house." - my Mom, after Tara walked in and dropped off a birthday cake for Jenna without either of us hearing her say "Hi."

Me: Our livers have had a year off from hockey drinking so we need to show 'em who's boss.
Brad: Mine already knows who's boss.
Me: Mine too probably.
Brad: That's okay, it'll be laughing in 30 years when it goes away. It'll go on a little vacation with my heart.
Me: Don't forget your lungs.
Brad: Oh yeah. Dammit, all I'm gonna have left is my spleen....Good ol' spleen.
Me: What's a spleen do anyway?
Brad: I dunno..it spleens things.

"There's so many hot chicks here... I might meet my future wife tonight." - Brad, at Roosters.
"Oh who am I kidding, I might meet my ex-wife." - Brad, minutes later.

Sean: Does anybody know Dave's number?
Bucholtz: I think the more important question is 'Aren't you...Dave?"

After some weird guy followed Kelsey from the dance floor to our table at the bar...
Chris: How do I know you?
Guy: You don't.
Chris: Then why are you standing here?

"Somebody bit me." - Brad

Bucholtz: I'm gonna buy a sword.
Jenna: Really?
Bucholtz: Yeah, ninjas have been coming into my house like they own the place, so I gotta put a stop to it.

"I'm going to get two tattoos - one on each hand. One one hand it's going to say 'UNLOVEABLE' and the other will say 'UNSTOPPABLE.'" - Kelsey.

"I'm a spy." - Kels again, this time excited about the hand-recognition system being installed in her new office.

"I don't gamble with horses, just my life." - Gorski

"Pickles can eat my butt." - Sean

"I hate brown people. The only good brown person is me. The rest suck." - Bobby

"What did you do? You're a C*&@ that's what you did!" - Derrick, shitfaced, reading (then burning) a letter from his girlfriend.

Bobby (watching football highlights): That's my man right there, Daunte Culpepper!
Gorski: My man is Jesus.

"Oh fuck off, you'd kill a hooker if you got the chance." - Bucholtz

Sean: Me and Rachel had sex in a hot tub in the middle of the afternoon!
Ian: Is that a challenge? Because I'll do her right now!

"They shouldn't go to jail, they should get a trophy." - Brad, on the people who dug the drug-smuggling tunnel under the Canadian-American border in Aldergrove.

"It's almost time I developed a gambling problem." - Brad

"Buddy, if basepaths were downhill, you'd be Rickey Henderson." - Brad

Slut: Do you like blowjobs?
Brad: Do I like Christmas?

"There's just two kinds of people who wear purple: The Anaheim Mighty Ducks, and homos." - Brad

"I gave her the juice. That's like a cross between the business and...more business." - Brad again

"I have a little more respect for Bucholtz now." - Chris, after him and Brad met some friendly black guys. Bucholtz of course, is 1/6000th black.

"We're still friends with you but I don't know why." - Chris

"I'm gonna change careers from a no-good son of a bitch to a ballplayer." - Brad

"They should've had a doubleheader today. The first game should've been all this Sept. 11 stuff, then Game 2 should've been Muslim Appreciation Night." - Brad, after the Sunday M's game.

Jenna: Can you believe we got all this beer, a sandwich, and two bags of chips for $30?
Nick: God Bless America!

Me: Why are your socks 42 different colours?
Kels: They're my lucky socks. They helped me get a job today!
Me: They helped you get a job?
Kels: Well it was either that or my awesomeness.
Me: Probably the socks.

Me: I'm eating potato salad right now.
Kels: SEND ME SOME!Me: Uh..how?
Kels: E-mail it!

"I went to the mall determined to buy something and I came home with a pretzel." - Melissa

"I can't even take you seriously right now." - Brad, to me when I had my hair in a faux-hawk at Slapshots the other day.

"This place is almost as crappy as it was before." - Brad ( I think) upon the re-opening of the 'new and improved' Slapshots.

"You know you're getting old when you dont know anyone who works at mcdonalds anymore." - Jeremy

Me (after a body punch): There, I got one punch in!
Kels: You didn't even hit me in the face! Body punches don't count.
Me: Yeah, but this way I get to touch a boob.

Kels: Hey, can I play?
Buchs: Sorry, no. To quote the scripture, 'No cunts allowed.'

"I wouldn't sleep with him if he was the last man on earth. I'd do the devil first." - Melissa.


"He looks like Dracula, not Count Chocula you bunch of cereal munching idiots!" - Jer

"Weird. I'm hanging out with a bunch of white guys with shaved heads." -Bobby, afraid that some kind of racial hate crime/skinhead situation was about arise. It didn't.

"Now that you're drunk can you fix my hair?" - Ian

"I don't know how we're such good friends. You should've punched me in the face." - Kels, this morning, about how I (and I alone) usually end up (undeservedly) taking the brunt of her drunken wrath.

"I should clone myself." - Kelsey

"Alex Rios is my boyfriend. Shhh...it's a secret." - Kels

Tara: This woman called my work the other day and said she'd only speak to French Canadians or Jews.
Chris: Who likes French Canadians?

"Nigga please...it's funny cuz I'm so white." - Kels

Kyle: I wanted the pink and diamond phone but it was too much money.
Kels: Why, did you grow a vagina?
Kyle: No, but if I did I'd fuck it.

"Okay fine, just drive home you idiots! I don't care. But do me a favour and both die at the same time so I only have to buy one set of funeral clothes!" - Jer, yelling at me and Kels before we left. (For the record, I wasn't drunk and nobody drove anywhere)

"It's like a hat..for a waterbottle." - Kels, talking about her new waterbottle's lid this morning (completely sober)

"I wish that the song 'I'm too sexy' would play whenever I walk down the street." - Bucholtz

"When I get a seat I don't mess around." - Ian, after plunking himself into a corner seat at Mirage. He started pounding beers and didn't really get up all night.

"I couldn't tell if you were having sex or riding a horse." - The host, critiquing Brad's work.

"It looks like a giant robot took a shit." - Ian, on the skytrain, looking at the Expo/Science World building.

"Fuck I'm sweet." - Sean, happy with himself after spraying playing cards all over his living room, and right onto Rachel's plate while she was eating something. He was more impressed than her.

Sean: I'm not going. I got tired.
Brad: Tired of what?
Sean: Being awake.

Sean: Why don't you grow up?
Brad: I would if I could. Then I'd be like Jack and the beanstalk. I'd be all tall, and climby, and shit.

"I thought I hit a dog but it was only a juicebox." - Brad, after parking his car.

After Jer poured a perfect beer really quickly...
Kels: Nice pour!
Jer: Yeah I know. I'm not gonna lie, I got a woody now.
Bobby: Really? I think that'd only be worth like a half-chub at best.
Jer: Hey, it's my pour and I'll get whatever percentage of chub that I want.

"You know what fucking pisses me off? (Minorities) who still get overly offended and think absolutely every time you say anything it's somehow a racist burn on them. You know what? Slavery ended 170 fucking years ago. Get over it." - Buch's rant

Buchs, shitfaced on Wednesday, making new friends...
Buchs: So, where you from?
Guy in bar: Washington.
Buchs: That sucks. I've been to Washington twice and both times it fucking sucked.

"It's like fucking a fleece bear." - Buchs again, on the virtues of wearing his new sweatpants.

"God I hope my kids don't grow up to be like him." - Kels, talking about - guess who? - Bucholtz.

"Why are you licking the carpet? What are you, a lesbian?" - Kels, to her dog Rocky.

"Four guys in a purple Ford Aspire. Man, we're pimps." - Sean, before honking the horn at some girls.

"Did you know the there's no slang in the German language? It's true - they can say 'Let's liquidate the Jews' but they can't tell you to 'Fuck your hat'." - Buchs.

"I love hockey so much I just wanna blow my load every time I think about it." - Sean, happy (to say the least) about the return of the NHL.

"He definitely needs a mulligan on life. Maybe he'd do it right next time." - Chris

"If I wanna stick my thumb up a little dog's ass then I'm gonna do it!" - Ian, tanked.

"That's not a fucking raccoon at all!!" - Ian again, after staring at a rabbit in a cage for a solid 5-10 minutes.

"If I wanted to get wet I'd baptize myself." - Brad, not happy about walking in the rain.

"In the clutch, I perform." - Buchs, on being a good friend.

Someone: Where's Bobby?
Someone else: I dunno, probably riding a camel.

"I'm pretty much like Jesus." - Jer

"The table's name is...somebody else." - Sean, incredibly drunk and not making a God-damn bit of sense.

Stomach vs. Fists
Chris: Let's go fight hindus.
Ian: Can we get some BBQ peanuts first?

As Chris left for his hockey game...
"Good luck....Dammit, I wasted two words there that I'll never get back." - Jer

Somebody: We shouldn't be so loud.
Kels: Who cares, everybody here is in a coma.

"Scott, can I eat your bean?"- Kelsey

Buchs: You ordered the same thing? You're like an old married couple!
Me and Kels at the same time: Shutup!!
Buchs: Proved my point right there.

"I wish you could just push a button and be drunk." - Kels

"What's in my pocket? Oh, it's cheese." - Kels

When some young sluts left early...
"What, curfew?" - Kels

Buchs (to some girl): Wanna go upstairs?
Kelsey (butting in): Worse two minutes of your life.

Jer: I don't know why Colorado signed May.
Brad: Maybe because his last name is a month.


"I have the hugest wedgie. It's like a taco in my ass." - Brad.

"I need more booze...because I'm funny!" - Amanda

"Are you loaded?!" - Amanda again...then she fell over after asking the question.


"Even your olive skin can't contend with my blackness." - Buchs, to Kels.


Amanda: Why can't I call Bobby?
Me: Because that's the T.V. remote.

Buchs: You know...the hospital waitress?
Me: The nurse?Buchs: Yeah, that's it.


"Jesus is the best wingman ever. He'll take the fat chick every time." - Buchs.


"It's time to say 'Get on your knees or just get out.'" - Bobby, on his philosophy.


"I'm making a fool of myself." - Amanda.


"Brad talked to me today!" - Kels


"Let's go." - Brad


"I wish I wore makeup." - Buchs


"A nosebleed is like a period from your nose." - Kels

"I had to febreze my room once after a chick left." - Buchs, on classy broads.

"I hate how no matter what I do you always find a way to make fun of me!" - Kels, to Chris after he made fun of her dinner selection at Jimy Mac's.

"I do all my own stunts." - Kels


Rachel: I used to be like an elephant in the memory department.
Bucholtz: I'm like an elephant in the penis department.


"I'm the perfect example of a guy who's not good at anything." - my buddy Steve from work, drunk at the staff Christmas party.


Kels: Craft fair?! Let's go!
Me: Uhhh...no
Kels: Do you think they sell Kraft Dinner?

After Buchs had a blue mouth from eating a Push Pop...
"Yeah, I was eating out Smurfette."

Kels: I love People magazine, because it's trash, but it's classy trash.
Me: Just like you!


"The Sedins are twins?" - Kels (obviously).

"I wish I lived at Canuck's Place." - Kels, unaware it was a hospice for sick kids.


"What did you do to him while I was gone?!" - Kels, to Buchs, after I made some Bucholtz-like comparison regarding her smooth, newly waxed arm and my "jut-sack" as Kels called it.

2006

"If I get married it'll be to a stripper I get knocked up." - Buchs

"I'm choking on my own delight." - Buchs again, smashed.

When I told Buchs about Jenna's dog sleeping in my room when he was here over Christmas...
Me: Well where the hell do you want him to sleep?
Buchs: I dunno, wolverine exchange?

"I just juiced myself." - Kels

"Yeah, well at least I don't need tampons!!" - Sean's comeback to one of the girls.

"This week was a big ball of stupid." - Ian

"Me and Rach are queens of gracefullness." - Kels

"We have to love a lot of people in my family but we don't like any of them." - Kels, on importance of family.

Two gems from Kels, not even a minute apart...
"I'm just going to stop putting things in my mouth."
"Note to self: Don't bend over."

"You should beat up Jesus, I'll give you five bucks." - Amanda

"I wanna meet a girlfriend when I get to G.F. Strong so I can have some handicapped sex." - Gorski

Playing a tough game of Chaser...
Me: Fuck this, I quit!
Amanda: Fine, you can't play anymore then!

At my grandparents 50th anniversary, when Chris went downstairs to crash a wedding...
Me: I've never been prouder to be a member of this family.
Dave: Wow, that's saying a lot.

"I love watching dogs back up." - Bucholtz

"Why you gotta be all up in my grill?" - Ian, to Amanda, who was sitting too close apparently.

"I like goats and they like me." - Buchs on msn, for absolutely no reason

"What you do is dip Rach in KY and say 'C'mon Sean, all the orifices are lubed." - Kels

"My mohawk is better than Jesus." - Jer

"He's brown. That's definitely below the food chain." - Kels, immediately regretting it.

"You know, you're the only guy here who I haven't seen naked." - Ian

"Do brown people go to Merritt?" - Kelsey

"This is the first time I've ever showered while staring at Jeremy." - Ian, after hockey.

"I got Bre flowers and all that shit. Stupid girls - flowers die anyway. I should get her a fence, that'd last a lot longer." - Ian

"There's nothing like a four-way man kiss." - Lambie

"If it had been about a llama and a tranvestite It'd be a different story." - Buchs, after saying he wouldn't watch Brokeback Mountain.

"Curry's the new ketchup." - Jer

"All they know how to fucking cook is mashed potatoes. They gave me potatoes with spaghetti for fuck's sake." - Brad

"When I push the button, they come running. They're like my bitches." - Brad, on the nurses.

"You and I are gonna have words tomorrow." - Kels, to her beer.

"Don't you ever get ashamed by the things that you say?" - Sean, to Buchs.

"Last night Amanda called me during the game and I heard noise in the background and figured she was at Slaps, then realized there is not a slaps anymore." - Tara

"Let's go to Slaps..haha, oh." - Buchs.

"People over 50 will eat feces if they have to." - Sean

"I can't stand women. If they didn't have cunts we'd hunt 'em. And then I'd mount them on the wall and face-fuck them." - Jeremy, just mangled on Friday night.

"Grab my balls just don't hold my hand." - Dicastri, to another guy at Lambies. (can't remember who).

"I felt dirty after the crack whore smelled me." - Kels

Then tonight, at the Boathouse, courtesy of Kels again....
"I injured myelf eating."
"Gimme all your insides!" - talking to her crab.
"That's the best thing I've had in my mouth in a long time."

"I took a great shit earlier. It was like somebody liquified the Cosby's and fired them out of my ass." - Sean.

"Turn on the hockey game and suck on my balls!" - Ian's directions to his ideal girlfriend.

"I don't know why black people talk the way they do. Just 'cause you're black doesn't mean you can't pronounce words properly." - Buchs, apparently upset with ebonics.

"Pupperoni doesn't taste like pepperoni at all. It tastes like sawdust and cow eyes." - Buchs again.

"You might as well break the law before it's illegal." - Buchs trying to convince Ian to chuck a "mashed potato ball" at a street sign.

Somebody: What are the odds you'll lose your money?
Hammered Chris: What are the odds I'll have fun? I'D SAY THEY'RE 1:1!!"

"I think my brain is healed because my head is itchy." - Brad, with a little self-diagnosis.

"Does that mean half a sandwich fills him up instead of a whole one?" - Buchs, after watching a show about a midget on TV.

Buchs: Why's it called a blog anyway?
Me: It's short for web log.
Buchs: That's stupid. I'd have called it a wog, or weblo - that's way better.

"Why read when you can watch TV?" - Ian

"I'm gonna melt all my gold jewellry down and make an Oscar statue, but with my face on it, then I'll carry it around all the time. I'll call it a Boscar." - Bobby

"No matter how hard you try, you're never going to sound smart." - Sean to Buchs

"I'm not passed out I'm having a moment of reflection." - Buchs, lying on the bed in Sean's spare room.

"He brings a touch of class to an otherwise classless event." - Buchs, about Lambie wearing dress pants, collared shirt and sweater to Jer's birthday shaker on Saturday night.

"Who's idea was it to let me drink...ever?!" - Amanda

Chris: His hands are huge. His pinky is like the size of my dick.
Someone: That's unfortunate for you, then.
Chris: No, it's unfortunate for Jenna actually.

"I'm completely douche free." - Kels

"Ahh...that's good. It's like pissing in the mouth of God." - Buchs, peeing outside

"I've never swallowed a quarter but once I stuck a marble in my ass." - Lambie

"To quote Aristotle: Fuck you guys." - Buchs

"Fuck New Orleans. I didn't give them shit." - Jer

Ian: I hate suction at the dentist.
Kels: What, would you rather choke?
Ian: I'd rather spit in the dentist's face.

"I hate cats. I'd rather run them over." - Jason (A guy at my company conference)

"If you were in Vietnam, I'd shoot you." - Buchs to Kels, cuz she's apparently Asian.

"I'm just a farmboy who occasionally likes to get jiggy with it." - Buchs, wishing he lived in the sticks, as we drove to our ball game yesterday.

"I wish my lawn was emo so it'd cut itself." - Sean, with an old joke that still made me laugh.

"Chiropractors are all a bunch of pirates." - Buchs, for some reason.

"Let's go get stoned and play bingo!" - Tara (Yes, Tara said that.)

"Pictures are bad. It's like evidence." - Chris

Bobby: A little piece of me died right there.
Jer: I hope the rest of you dies real soon too.

"Anyone else have that awkward half-chub right now?" - Jer, watching porn

"I always like sucking cock upside down." - Buchs, horribly messing up a sentence. Horribly.

"I'm up for most ideas. Except male strippers and church." - Ian

"I'm hungrier than an Ethiopian on a hunger strike." - Ian

"I wish I had some tits to play with right now." - Ian

Amanda: Brett just do her already!
Lambie: No I rubbed one out already, I'm fine.

"If I was ever going to have sex with a foosball table that'd be it." - Bobby, trying to convince me to spend more money.

In reaction to the hoards of high school kids who thought he was God...
Bobby: I'm going to run for mayor so this feeling never ends!
Lambie: Doesn't matter, you'd lose because none of these kids are old enough to vote.

"I don't wear the wrist brace during the day because it doesn't match any of my clothes." - Brad being Brad.

"It's like a whorehouse, but dirtier." - Sean, on the interior of his car.

"I hate soup! I don't wanna eat food that I'm drinking!" - Sean again

"If I had a kid he'd come out a sasquatch." - Sean

"These guys look like they all work at a computer store." - Sean, sizing up our slo-pitch competition. The computer nerds still kicked our ass.

"I'm black sometimes. I'm like a gecko." - Amanda

"Kelsey, there's something about you that makes me want to shimmy." - Amanda again.

"The doodle's eyes are scary. When it looks at you its like it's trying to steal your soul." - Bucholtz, on Brett's dog.

"I ate alot of jerky in not so much time."- Kelsey

"My car looks mean. Like it will eat you." - Kelsey

"You can't do it just a little. You always gotta do it a lot." - Rachel's brother Andrew, on beer and drugs.

"I don't think people don't like me as much as I think they do."

Buchs: This (cell phone) case is sweet. It holds cards in it.
Nick: So basically it's a purse.
Buchs: It's a "murse" - a man purse.
Nick: Do you carry your balls around in it too?

Nick: Where's Buchs?
Bobby: He's probably asleep.
Nick: No, he was with Amanda when we left from playing ball.
Bobby: Oh. Well, there's still a good chance he could be laying down still.

"Is a pap test like a massage? You know, you pay a little extra for a happy ending?" - Buchs

"Japanese people don't dig. They just use their ingenuinity and playstation it out." - Buchs again, unfortunately.

"You're as paranoid as a black man at a rape trial." - Buchs, on a roll now. (and getting more multi-cultural by the minute)

"If I punch you in the face does that count as a hate crime?" - Me, to Bobby, after he continously refused to give me the baseball.

Counting drinks in a drinking game.....
Buchs: Well that was 9, and now it's 4...so you gotta drink 15.
Chris: You idiot. That's 13.
Buchs: Oh, I thought we were multiplying.

"This computer lacks the appropriate emoticons to express my befuzzlement." - Mike, in an msn conversation, after discovering that a certain someone is dating a certain someone else.

"I'm going to live to see my own death." - my Mom. (Yes, my mom said that.)

"I want to have a dog-sized goldfish in a giant room-sized tank. I'd take it out and hug it, feed it cereal." - Aaron, last weekend.

"I'm not fired. You're fired...from me!" - Aaron, on employment tactics.

"I want to stick my cock in you like Wrestlemania." - Dale, repeating a pickup line he heard one of his friends use the weekend before. No word if it worked (But I can guess).

"I gotta do some serious homework when I get home." - Buchs. He hasn't said those words since he was probably 14.

"I think it's about time I win the Conn Smythe. I deserve it." - Buchs, while watching the Oilers game with me and Ian at Jimy Mac's.

"Lookin' pretty sharp there. You should wear collared shirts more often. Then you could go to the bar and be like "Hey baby, there's a business meeting in my pants." - Buchs, commenting on my attire since I came to the pub straight from work.

"Because we're human...that, and most of our friends are obnoxious jerks." - Kelsey's answer to my question "Why is there always somebody mad or annoyed with someone else in our group of friends."

Chris: Hey, where are you?
Blatz: Picking up the cars for tonight.
Chris, OK, just making sure you weren't halfway to Mexico. See you later.
Blatz: Alright.

Me: So how's the physio goin' and all that?
Brad: Pretty good. I'm walking with a cane now.
Me: Oh, so do you feel like an old man?
Brad: No, it's a pimp cane.

Melissa: I'm talking to Lorne right now, and he says he's never once ate wedding cake. Isn't that bizarre?
Me: I'm talking to Lorne too. About how and where we'd go to both become ninjas.

Reminiscing...
Me: Then there was the time at Dave's where Bucholtz and Brad nailed the same girl in the same night, and then her boyfriend showed up and Chris told him all about it.
Brad: I don't remember that...was she hot?
Bucholtz: Absolutely not.

"I came out flexing." - Bucholtz, on his birth.

"Hey look, he's just like me, only rich and skinny." - Jeremy, after seeing David Spade ringside at a UFC pay-per-view.

"I'm brown, so I'm hung and I got a g-ride." - Bobby, discussing his new '64 Lincoln, among other things.

"You want me to give you a face wash with my nuts?!" - Derrick, angry.

Sean: I'm cutting back on smoking.
Jer: You should cut back on ugly.

Bucholtz, trying (horribly) to say "it was an accident."
Buchs: It was an acc-time.
Jer: Axe time? what the fuck is that? Like hammer time, but sharper?

"You know what? Rocking chairs are severly under-rated." - Ian

Kicking a hacky-sack around...
Rach: Can I play?
Bucholtz: No, no girls allowed. Unless we're playing "Bake the Pie" you can't play.

"I don't think I've laughed this hard in seventh months." - Gorski

"They call me Dr. Creep. It's because I'm a real doctor - a box doctor. Who needs a little checkup?" - Bucholtz, talking to drunk girls at the bar.

"This game combines my three favourite things - drinking, lying, and swearing." - Me, playing a drinking game that may have been the beginning of the end.

"The creamsicle is like the Cadillac of popsicles." - Me again.

'Is that guy's last name 'Hashbrowns'?" - Bucholtz, watching Jarrod Washburn pitch on TV for the Mariners.

"I love taking advantage of girls. It's fun." - Bucholtz. Obviously.

"If you look at my old report cards you can tell exactly when I started to drink." - Buchs, on a roll by this point.

"Sean better lock Rachel down quick cuz he ain't gonna do any better." - Bobby. (Who says guys never talk about marriage?)

"I think it's safe to say we finished off the Finishers." - Scott

"Here's the problem..everybody who has a girlfriend doesn't want one, and everyone who doesn't have one wants one." - Bobby, summing up relationships.

Chris knows Sean well....
Sean: I'm going to do some laundry this weekend, and I'm also going to clean out my car.
Chris: Neither of those things are going to happen. You gotta start small - you've set unrealistic goals for yourself.

"I GOT FIDDLED!" - Buchs, after only getting to second base with a youngin' at a party. He also played an imaginary fiddle whilst complaining.

"I forget Vancouver even has a hockey team these days." - Chris, cheering for the Oilers in the Stanley Cup finals.

"Have you seen a seeing-eye dog crap? I don't think they do - how would their owners clean it up?" - Ashley, asking the tough questions.

Rachel: I'd rather take it in my ear than all over me.
Sean: I'll remember that.

"I wanna poke this young broad, but I don't want to put any effort into it. It's a real Catch-22." - Buchs

Me: I like to think of myself as the white Dave Chappelle.
Buchs: I like to think of myself as the black Chris Farley.

"It's Enderby. We're better than everybody here." - Bucholtz, seconds upon arrival.

"Popping your eardrum is like blowing it in a chick's ass." - Buchs again, pleased with himself.

"If you dug a hole, shat in it, that's Enderby." - Scott, as Enderby takes another hit.

Me: What the hell town are we in?
Buchs: I dunno, Moose Knuckle Junction?

Lost out on some country-ass backroad...
"Do you think they still have the metric system out here?" - Scott

"I think all Enderby girls have herpes." - Buchs

"Welcome to Enderby. Population: Losers." - Jeremy, in perhaps the funniest thing he said all weekend.

Buchs: We're not making very good time.
Scotty: Don't worry about it - I do my best work at night. I'm like a bat.

After Buchs took one disgusting shit at a Vernon Shell station...
"Well fellas, that was pretty much the sum of my entire weekend."

On long drinking/camping trips...
"I can't ever take it easy because I have no idea what excessive is. I just keep going and going." - Bucholtz, completely sincere.

"I might just die this weekend. If I do, you can have my DVDs." - Bucholtz

"Who would ever think to get all five of these fruits and then turn them into juice?!" - Amanda, thoroughly impressed with her Five Alive, nursing a hangover one morning in Merritt.

"I just wanna take her clothes off and shut the fuck up." -Bucholtz

"Whoa, this is huge. You could have sex in here!" - Amanda, after seeing the size of one of the closets in my room at my new place.

"If I fold the seats down in the Cougar I could have sex with like four people at once." - Kelsey

"I think I'm going to sell the Jeep and buy a horse instead of another car. I bet hay is cheaper than gas." - Amanda

After a McDonald's commercial featuring baking powder biscuits came on TV...
Kelsey: What is bacon powder anyway?
Me: You're kidding me right?
Kelsey: What?
Me: It's baking powder, not bacon....Wow, I can't believe you just asked me that.
Kelsey: Hmmm, that may have been one of the dumbest things I've ever said.
Me: No, it's actually not, which is the saddest part of all.
Kelsey: Shutup!

the first day of rafting, when we busted out the water gun...
Me: So, who we gonna spray with it first?
Ian: Well, we'll see what colour shirts Jenna and Rachel are wearing, and we'll go from there.

"I'd just like to be on the right side of a court appearance for once." - Sean, excited about jury duty.

"Hey, I've never had an STD in my life! That's because I do it in the butt." - Bucholtz (who else?)

"Love is ass sex on Sunday." - Bucholtz again

On the toss-up between cheap drinks and school work...
"I'm studying. I don't have a lot of money. Scotty paid me the other day, but I did the responsible thing and paid bills with it....Paying bills and studying. I think I'm turning into a homosexual or something." - Bucholtz

"I wish I had a big leg of deer to knaw on right now." - Dave, about 45 minutes into the first day of MeatFest.

When it was discovered that Dan had only drank one beer through the front 9 of the golf tourney...
"One? Only one? This is MeatFest not a pussy convention!" - Dave

"I want to kill a bison!" - Dan, shitfaced, when his BBQ chicken just wasn't doin' it for him.

"Guys...let's face it, meat rules. CHEERS TO MEAT!" - Dave, hammered, during a round of midnight barbecue.

When me and Dave discovered an unguarded, free, cold keg of beer near the sixth hole (at 9:30 a.m.)...
Dave: You think we're allowed to just drink it? Let's tee off, then when we walk past for our second shots, we'll have some.
Me: Dave, if we walk passed this keg of beer without touching it, we'll regret it for the rest of our lives.
Dave: Good point, let's drink.

"I'm the pimp of Mp3s." - Mike, after sending me yet another song to help refill my music collection.

"Man, I'd love to fucking live in North Korea right now. I'd cause all kinds of international incidents and then just be like "What?! What are you gonna do assholes? We got a nuclear bomb bitches! Yeah, that's right, just sit there and take it!" - some kid, probably Grade 9 or 10, as overheard in the parking lot of a high school I was at today.

"I remember opening phone bills that were $268, $295...I'd pull the gun out for a short while, contemplate my suicide." - Kelsey

Bre: My midterm was early this morning...it was hard.
Nick: What class?
Bre: Oncology.
Nick: I don't even know what that word means, so you definitely did better than I would ever do.

Bucholtz, on the frequency of jerking off...
"I've had a few double-digit days in my time."

"Everyday I hate myself a little more inside for liking Laguna Beach." - Kelsey

"I almost got herpes from talking to a girl." - Bucholtz, on his Enderby experience last summer.

"Chicks can't drive. They can suck dick and make pies." - Bucholtz

Me: At least twice Ian's had Giants' tickets and never called me, and Chris has extra Canucks' tickets, but he'll probably sell them to Sean and Rachel. Nobody ever invites me anywhere or offers me tickets to anything, bunch of fucking jerks!
Bucholtz: Maybe it's your attitude.

"Sometimes I think about the things that I say, and my brain's like 'What? Are you fucking serious?'" - Buchs

"God I love vodka. It just sneaks up on you - it's like a silent assasin." - Me

"Wow, its like 5 o'clock and I haven't said anything stupid yet that you would put on your blog. What the hell is going on?" - Bucholtz

After Bucholtz found out the best man in some (all?) East Indian weddings ends up with a lot of cash...
Buchs: Hurry up and get married Bobby. I need some money.
Bobby: Well, help find me a wife first then dammi–
Buchs: AMANDA!!!

"I wouldn't even want Barry Bonds on the Cannons." - Chris

"It's not lying if you don't tell the whole truth." - Ian

"I love Santa. He's like the father I never had." - Amanda

"I don't like the repercussions of drinking. My brain hurts." - Ian, Saturday morning.

"I'm drunk off rootbeer." - Kelsey

"Do you want to lick my chest?" - Kelsey, to Amanda.

"When fighting for a mall parking spot on Christmas Eve, remember to be festive..for example...'Move your holly, jolly ass!' or "I'll deck the halls with your face!'" - commercial I heard on the radio.

2007

From the "What kind of answer did you expect?" department...
Me: What other kind of job could you see me doing?
Buchs: I dunno...condom taster?
(pause)
Buchs: I know! You should go to Iraq.
Me: And do what, exactly?
Buchs: I don't know...go hang out with Connie Chung and Geraldo Paldorrama, or whatever.
Me: You mean Rivera?
Buchs: Whatever. How 'bout baboon trainer? You know anything about monkeys?
Me: No.
Buchs: Shit, 'cuz that'd be awesome.

"And if all else fails, just walk up to one of the hot ones and stick a finger in her ass. She'll never even see it coming!" - Ian

"At that point it's not a tux, it's a monkey suit." - Meghan's thoughts on wearing a tux to get girls, and then failing miserably at said task.

Upon hearing the unfortunately-named Mooseknuckles were on a 14-game win streak...
Me: So Ian, I guess you guys are in first-place then eh?
Sean: They're in double-first place!!!

"I got Bre flowers and all that shit. Stupid girls - flowers die anyway. I should get her a fence, that'd last a lot longer." - Ian, this time last year.

"I've scooped up much worse shit than poop." - Sean

"If this T.V. had arms it would strangle itself." - Scott, not overly impressed with Kelsey's below average-sized television.

"Nick, we need to go on a hunt - and not just any hunt, a slut hunt." - Ian, apparently trying to help me meet some drunk girls, of which there were plenty at the Foggy Dew.

"Do you have a cock? No? Hi, my name is Scott." - Scott, on standards when trying to pick up girls.

"I'm just gonna get messed up and fuck bitches." - Bucholtz, on his ambitions while in Mexico.

"Foiled in my own web of suck..Dammit!" - Ian, absolutely shitfaced to the point of not being able to walk.

"I love the smell of leather, but not quite as much as the smell of box though." - Bucholtz, classy as ever.

Me: So how much trouble do you figure you're in here?
Scotty: I'd say severe, to very severe.
Me: You think your phone, keys, and wallet are all going to be there?
Scotty: Well if it's my night, they will be.
Me: Trust me, it's not your night.
Scotty: Well, it could be.
Me: It's not. You know how I know?
Scotty: How?
Me: Where's your girlfriend right now?
Scotty: About 50 nautical miles away.
Me: Point made.

"Well, she should've tapped out." - Bucholtz, on his solution to last weekend's quasi-ugliness between a drunken Scotty and Kels.

"Yay, I'm a rapist!" - Bucholtz again.

"This is a proud day for me and my family," - Scotty, shitcanned last weekend, after he tried and failed to pronounce 'puberty' about five times. It's not 'poo-berty' buddy.

"It's a reverse blanket. Like taking your pants off, but not quite." - Bucholtz

"Just get a Where's Waldo? book - no words, just fun." - Bucholtz, after Bre said she was going to get a crossword puzzle book to do while Ian played hockey.

"You know how much money I spent at the casino? A gwop! A gwop of money!" - this Greg character from last night, inventing new currency.

Chris, on being indispensible at work...
"I may have an easy job - a job a monkey could do, but nobody else there knows how to do my job except me. So if this monkey left, all those other chimpanzees would just be standing around going, 'Duh...what fucking tree do we climb?"

While some sex show on T.V. talked about 'chakra centres...
'"The only chakra centre I care about is a milk chakra centre." - Jeremy, lover of chocolate.

"Any boss who gets mad at his employees tomorrow morning for being late ought not to be allowed to watch another hockey game the rest of the playoffs. I'll write everybody a note." - Harry Neale

"I'm having fun, if fun means the opposite of fun." - Sean

"That's as naked as I've ever been." - Sean, after being stripped of all his clothes and thrown into Lambie's front yard in the post-UFC mayhem a couple weekends ago.

"At first when you guys jumped me I thought you were just gonna shove something in my ass, and I was like 'OK, that's fine I guess,' but then you took all my clothes instead!" - Sean's twisted thought process as the above-mentioned deed took place.

"Quit being so bleedy!" - Lambie, as he attacked poor beer and blood-soaked Sean, who was flailing away on the floor.

"Beer. It's what's for breakfast." - Buchs

"I'd fight Snoop Dogg. What's he gonna do, gin and juice me?" - Buchs, after a few of those 'breakfast beers'.

"It's not funny but it's hilarious." - Jer, commenting on Buch's retardedness.

Amanda: I want a teleport.
Ian: You want a tadpole?

"They should make a steak cologne." - Bucholtz

"I'm dicking his daughter, why wouldn't he want to buy me beer?" - Bucholtz

"I can't wait to start killing people now." - Paterson, after someone gave him this really cool knife/mini sword thing for his birthday.

Me: I'm at Safeway right now, what kind of pizza do you want?
Jay: I don't care, I like pretty much everything - just nothing with like moose on it or anything.
Me: OK, got it - no moose on the pizza. Good call.

Guy: So, what team are you with?
Me: The Cannons.
Guy: Oh, you're those loud guys just around the corner with the blue hats?
Me: Yep, that's us.
Guy: You guys went pretty hard last night eh? I guess that means you'll be takin' er easy tonight? (He said optimistically)
Me: Haha, I doubt it. We're just getting warmed up man.
Guy: So it's gonna be like last year then?
Me: Last year? Whadda ya mean?
Guy: You know, like last year...with that "Let's Go Cannons" asshole.
Me: Oh, that's my brother. He's our coach.
Guy: .........

"This beer is so good, it's like God is jerking off in my mouth." - Bucholtz

"Take that atmosphere!" - Sean, burning some plastic in the fire.

"It was like professional packers packing for the Pro Packing Championships." - Scott, on how him and Buchs managed to cram all their stuff into the Explorer.

"You call it premature ejaculation. I call it a good night's sleep." - Chris

"In one word, he was the balls." - Scott, using more than one word to describe Sean's now-traditional Canada Day streaking.

"Thanks for making this not lame." - Firefighter, after Sean, Buchs, and Jason livened up the Canada Day fireworks.

"What time you flyin' out?" - Scott, to Rachel, when she walked past carrying her vintage '70s luggage.

Beer Garden doorman: Sorry buddy, I can't let you in without ID.
Guy: I don't have ID.
Doorman: Sorry, you aren't coming in.
Guy: But my girlfriend's in there.
Doorman: Look buddy, a lot of people's girlfriends are in there.

"Hey Nick, watch this," Paterson, as he pulled out a 9-iron in his living room, and attempted to hit a foam football at Paul, who was playing Guitar Hero.

"The thing about wall mud is, it's the kind of thing you want to use when you're drunk." - Paterson, fixing the huge hole he put in his wall, when his 9-iron missed the football and connected with something else.

"I haven't seen a cleanup effort take this long since the Katrina disaster." - Scott, watching Chris, Jenna, Sean and Rachel clean up breakfast dishes one morning, while rafting.

"I do my women like I play my video games - zero armour, guns blazin'." - Paterson again.

"I wrote the book on Awesome." - Dave

Chris: Oh good, there's a beer store on this island. I was worried that I crushed too many beers on the ferry over, and that I'd run out before the weekend was over.
Nick: Run out? How many beers did you bring?
Chris: 42.

Buchs: Ahh, nudity, my second favourite word in the English language.
Me: What's your favourite word?
Buchs: Poltergeist.

"Hey Nick, want a degree in shutting the hell up?"- Buchs

"Grolsch? That beer sounds evil - like a beer Hitler would drink." - Me, after yet another one of Ian's "let's-try-a-new-beer" episodes.

A-Scrams: Would you ever propose to me?
Buchs: I don't get enough butt sex to propose to you.

"Woo! I just about fought two raccoons out there." - Chris' excitable-but-random comment, after coming in front the front of Jeremy's house.

"This totally just adds to my metrosexuality." - Jeremy, liking his new Snap-On Tools hat while at the same time wearing camo shorts and rocking one helluva mullet.

Jenna (looking at a menu): I want some food!
Chris: You're looking at a menu..See all the words? Food.
Jenna: But I want food - I don't want any weiner, pussy-ass shit.

Jenna: Can I get the clubhouse sandwich, with only two pieces of bread. I can't get my tiny, little mouth around such a big sandwich.
Sean: Chris must have a small sandwich.

"Why can't they make dip as a meal?" - James, at Scotty's birthday party.

Sean: I'm going to urinate...or should I say, my-inate?
Me: What?
Sean: Well, it's not your urine that's coming out of me.

"I apologize for the blood guys, but yes, I did have something to do with it." - proud bouncer at Everett bar.

"I have a weakness for big hairy animals." - Amanda

"There's a clause in love that says if you puke from drinking tequila, I get to do whatever I want to you." - this guy Jordan, to his girlfriend, at Steamworks last weekend.

Kyle, on what me and him would do if we had expensive cars - me, the Cadillac I want to buy, and him, a Range Rover...

"We'd be ballin'. We could go pick up some hot chicks, have sex with them, and then ditch 'em. Then we'd see them again a few weeks later a party because we'd be having sex with their other hot friends instead, and then they'd be mad because we weren't having sex with them anymore."

"I'd fight Duke. I'd fight a shark." - Bucholtz, talking about the formidable size of Bobby's ever-growing dog.

"The vagina's connected to the baby holder....the baby's connected to the....other thing," Buchs again, singing a song.

And now, a couple frightening quotes from Lambo's buddy, Mengil.

"Murder, huh? Sweet - I'm all about the killing. Who's ready to die?!!!!"

"I'll just grab whatever and I'll murder you with it. That's how I roll, bitches."

"Hello Nick! How was....whatever it was you were doing, before you came here?" - Sean

"If Brad is a testament to everthing that Christmas stands for, then fuck Christmas!" - Scott, after some shitfaced/weird waitress at The Duke, came over to us, literally crying her eyes out, and proceeded to tell us how great a person Brad was, because he'd "been through Hell" and was a "testament to blah blah blah."

Mom: When do Chris and Jenna get back from church?
Me: Well, it's only an hour and it started at 11:00, so I guess they'll be back just after midnight, unless church goes into overtime.

"I went out to go to the bathroom before the service started, but when I came back they'd already started singing Christmas songs. I didn't know if I was allowed to just go sit down, or wait for a stoppage in play." - Chris, on his Christmas Eve church experience.

"If you ever get the chance, I reccommend dating Amanda, just for the presents." - Bucholtz.

"How come if you pinch me, I can't just hit you right in the face? God Damn society - they've taken all the fun out of abuse." - Matt

"I bet you that TV makeup artists are a lot busier these days because of all the HD channels now," - Buchs, after seeing some less-than-attractive people on TV.

After a Bucholtz burp...
Amanda: Just say excuse me!
Buchs: Why? It's not going to unstink it.
Amanda: Well, it's just polite!
Buchs: OK, well when I'm having tea with the queen, I'll say excuse me.

2008

Derrick, shitfaced: I'm going nowhere but up!
Scotty: At best, sideways would be good.

Chris: Hey Sean, wanna play memory?
Sean: I honestly don't know how.
Chris: Are you serious?
Sean: You've got to remember, I had no friends as a kid. I had one friend - myself - and I played masturbation.

"The reason nobody is doing it right is because nobody is doing it right." - Scott

"What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots." - Scott

Derrick: I'd take it in the ass for $50,000.
Sean: I'd do it for a million.
Rachel: Only a million?!
Sean: That's 2 million Euros, Rachel!!

Sean, lowering his price...."I'd let David Bowie have a go at me for free."

"A penis is shaped like a cock." - Derrick

Chris: Molson Dry is fucking terrible.
Ian: Oh yeah? Well you should hear what it's been saying about you!

"Don't you hate when you sit on an old couch, and the old farts jump out of it and punch you right in the face?" - Bucholtz, asking one of life's eternal questions.

"A slow cooker is like having a wife - you come home from work, and dinner's already made!" - Kristyl, a girl I work with.
"I swear I've seen Bobby 10 times already." - Chris, hanging out near the bar at Sharks' Club.

"Penguins look sad when they're walking." - Buchs.

"It's actually a pretty acceptable movie, and not just for the gays - for the normals, too." - Bucholtz again, giving a review of the movie Juno.

"I just can't get behind religion." - Buchs, after a few midweek beers.

"I call Wednesday, 'Friday Jr.'" - Buchs explaing why, after said beers, it was OK to be a little tipsy on a weekday.

"I might've bought the bed for us, but it goes where I go." - Scott, explaining how he managed to keep his new king-sized bed at home, despite the fact that he gave it to Kelsey for Christmas before she moved back into her own place.

"If I made a drinking game out of how many times I logged onto Facebook during the day I'd be dead by noon." - Meghan

"Is it bad that I just looked at the dishes in my sink and, rather than thinking 'I should wash them' I thought 'Meh, at least four more days 'til I'm out of dishes?" - Meghan again, on a roll.

"I'm not cheap - I'm poor! There's a difference." - Kels

Me (pointing to Ian's big, ugly belt buckle): Ian, what the hell does it say on that buckle?
Ian: North American Construction Group.
Me: Uhh..why are you wearing it?
Ian: I'm representin'.

"Ahh, fuck, now we've gotta go to Jenna's house. Nick, hit me over the head with this bottle so we can go to the hospital instead." - Chris, who wanted to just go home after the Canucks game instead of over to visit one of Jenna's mom's friends.

Brian: Whoa! Chris, that was the most affection I've ever seen you show towards your girlfriend.
Chris: It was a headlock.

"She's a judger. I call her Philip Banks." - Buchs, talking about A-Scrams

"You're a pretty girl, why do you screw it up by making that ugly face?" - Buchs again, likely about Amanda...again.

Amanda: Everything is sharing...sharing, sharing, sharing!
Sean: If Rachel ever said that to me I'd share a slap with her.

and after we bugged Buch about this excessive "sharing" with Amanda...
Amanda: You think that's bad? Tell him about our joint account.
Buchs: It's a change jar.

Me (when Scott didn't show up to eat sushi with us):Scott's noodles are gonna be cold.
Kels: Scott's noodle is gonna be cold for a long time if he doesn't smarten up.

"I can't believe we used to call you 'Hot Sean' - you're such a weiner." - Amanda

"It's minority central. Why don't they jut bring in a Chinaman, too?" - Buchs, with his take on the Democratic leadership race.

After it was discovered that Sean was at Ian's house sans Rachel, who was on the Island...
"It's weird, that's all. It's just like if Chris is somewhere, Jenna's probably there too. Or if there's Scott, you know Kelsey will be there, or if there's Nick, you know nobody will be there." - Buchs

"This is not good, having the two people with the sickest senses of humour on opposite sides of the room. The rest of you are sandwiched between our filth." - Kristyl, at work.

"Nobody gives a blowjob to a gimp." - Bucholtz

"I'd fuck a 15-year-old." - Brian

Me: Where's Brad?
Buchs: Killed him.
Me: Oh, that sucks. I guess he cheated death once already, so it must've been his time.
Buch: Yep, he is not a cat.

"When I die, if it's before you, I'm gonna come back as a ghost and dance with my balls in your face.... Seriously, if I die before anyone - balls in the face!" - Ian, shitfaced.

"I find it hard to believe that someone as attractive as myself would go untouched by aliens." - Ian again, same night.

"The trouble is that there's no natural selection anymore. That's the end of the human race right
there!" - Ian. (Sensing a pattern here?)

"Fuck I don't like midgets. Drink some fucking milk!" - Buchs

"I don't imagine there is any religious figure out there who would marry me and Kyle, so it looks like one day it'll be justice of the peace for us." - Amanda, a dirty, dirty sinner.

Amanda: Should we call a cab?
Ian: Can you call a beat-it factory?

"I'd GHB the fuck out of this place!" - some random guy at the Daniel Wesley show, after his buddy in the beer line pointed out the abundance of hot women in the bar.

"Sean, you are 20 years ahead of the future." - Scotty, discussing a man who is apparently far, far ahead of his time.

"It's bad when you can't figure out whether it came from somebody's ass or their mouth." - Kelsey, the day of the gift opening. (editor's note: that's what she said)

"Jesus's brother was an astronaut." - Bobby

"So...was talking to your blog the other day, and it said if you didn't post something soon, it was going to kick you in the balls. Just thought I'd let you know."- MSN message left for me by Meghan.

Text message from Jenna, who was watching the Grey Cup with her family. They were picking squares, and her mom won the first quarter:
"My mom just won the first. She's a bitch."

And then this from my dad, after TSN showed a clip of Montreal's dreadlocked Larry Taylor making two TD returns in last week's Eastern Final against Edmonton:
"Of course he's fast. He's probably used to running from the cops."

Lara: Bruce, you're full of shit.
Bruce (loudly, drunk and in a crowded restaurant): FUCK YOU, I'M FULL OF THE TRUTH BABY!!

"Well now that it's out in the open, who wants to put a dick in my mouth?" - Sean, after Lambie licked his face and somebody suggested he was gay.

"Listen you Egyptian whores, give me some money!!" - my Mom (yes, really), yelling at a Cleopatra-themed slot machine in Vegas after what were probably the only three drinks she had the entire trip.

At T.O. and Carly's wedding at a swanky country club...
Buchs: I feel like Phil Mickelson now.
Me: Why?
Buchs: I just took a dump in an expensive golf course bathroom.

"I forgot how fun life could be!" - Kristyl, drunk on our Kamloops trip.

Dale: All I've had to eat today is an orange slice. One slice of an orange.
Kristyl: How very Tracy Gold of you.

Buchs: Next time I go to a wedding I'm gonna burn a CD for the DJ called "Kyle's acceptable dancing songs."
Me: Oh yeah? What's gonna be on it?
Buchs: Blondie, Dexy's Midnight Runners and Sir Mix-a-Lot.

"Do you really want to get into a gross-out contest with Kyle? That's like getting into a religion trivia contest with the Pope." - me

"I'm like 65.5 percent drunk... Mike, what percent of drunk are you?" - Kristyl, in the 'loops again.

"It might not be raining rain, but it'll be raining bitches!" - Kristyl, sober, on the way to Kamloops. I have no idea the context this was said in (but does it really matter?)

Someone: How's married life?
Christene: Pretty much the same as before, except now we sit on the couch and watch TV with rings on our fingers.

Christene: What ever happened to those gothy, Marilyn Manson kids anyhow?
Me: They killed themselves.

"It's just like Christmas, but without my family... or shame." - Kristyl, having a good trip.

"I fucking hate when people call their boyfriend or girlfriend 'baby', it drives me crazy. Call them anything else - call them Muffinfuck for all care, but 'baby' is what you call a baby, not an adult. You don't fuck a baby! - Ashleigh, on a good rant.

Scott: Jeez, take it easy, when did you start keeping track of every...
Kelsey: Every shitty thing you've ever done to me?
Scott: Yeah, exactly. What're you, the public library?

:: You Said It ::

Since the dawning of his blog nearly five years ago (editor's note: Five years, holy shit!) many a post has began with a quote, or series of quotes. Ever since college, basically, I've been remembering and/or writing down all the ridiculous things my friends have said, and there have been a lot of opportunites. (Don't believe me? click on the label marked 'quotes' at the end of this post).

Now, usually I'd publish them as they happened, or damn close, but for the past few months I've been stockpiling them in the notes application on my BlackBerry - I usually forget about them soon after I've typed them, which is why they never make it online.

'Til now, of course. I'm clearing out the archives, so without further blathering from me, here's about 6 months' worth of blathering from you (not in any sort of order, and don't be surprised if there are a couple names you don't know...I'm just that popular.)

Lara: Bruce, you're full of shit.
Bruce (loudly, drunk and in a crowded restaurant): FUCK YOU, I'M FULL OF THE TRUTH BABY!!

"Well now that it's out in the open, who wants to put a dick in my mouth?" - Sean, after Lambie licked his face and somebody suggested he was gay.

"Listen you Egyptian whores, give me some money!!" - my Mom (yes, really), yelling at a Cleopatra-themed slot machine in Vegas after what were probably the only three drinks she had the entire trip.

At T.O. and Carly's wedding at a swanky country club...
Buchs: I feel like Phil Mickelson now.
Me: Why?
Buchs: I just took a dump in an expensive golf course bathroom.

"I forgot how fun life could be!" - Kristyl, drunk on our Kamloops trip.

Dale: All I've had to eat today is an orange slice. One slice of an orange.
Kristyl: How very Tracy Gold of you.

Buchs: Next time I go to a wedding I'm gonna burn a CD for the DJ called "Kyle's acceptable dancing songs."
Me: Oh yeah? What's gonna be on it?
Buchs: Blondie, Dexy's Midnight Runners and Sir Mix-a-Lot.

"Do you really want to get into a gross-out contest with Kyle? That's like getting into a religion trivia contest with the Pope." - me

"I'm like 65.5 percent drunk... Mike, what percent of drunk are you?" - Kristyl, in the 'loops again.

"It might not be raining rain, but it'll be raining bitches!" - Kristyl, sober, on the way to Kamloops. I have no idea the context this was said in (but does it really matter?)

Someone: How's married life?
Christene: Pretty much the same as before, except now we sit on the couch and watch TV with rings on our fingers.

Christene: What ever happened to those gothy, Marilyn Manson kids anyhow?
Me: They killed themselves.

"It's just like Christmas, but without my family... or shame." - Kristyl, having a good trip.

"I fucking hate when people call their boyfriend or girlfriend 'baby', it drives me crazy. Call them anything else - call them Muffinfuck for all care, but 'baby' is what you call a baby, not an adult. You don't fuck a baby! - Ashleigh, on a good rant.

Scott: Jeez, take it easy, when did you start keeping track of every..
Kelsey: Every shitty thing you've ever done to me?
Scott: Yeah, exactly. What're you, the public library?

:: A chance for greatness ::

At the risk of having my Canadian citizenship revoked, I admit that I cared very little for today's Grey Cup between the Calgary Stampeders and the Montreal Alouettes. I tried hard to care, I really did, but I couldn't do it. Unlike some sports and leagues (baseball, NFL), I can't watch a complete game unless I have a vested interest in at least of the teams, or a player on one of the teams (I watched, for example, nearly an entire Minnesota Wild game the other game on TSN2 simply because I knew the rookie right winger). And the Stampeders/Allouettes just wasn't doing it for me.

Instead, I spent my day running errands, going for lunch with a friend and helping my dad put up the Christmas lights. In fact, I didn't even know what time the game started, and I didn't plop down on the couch and turn on the TV until the game was already well into the second quarter.

Eventually though, I found myself drawn to the game, not so much because I cared who won (because I didn't), but because the game was relatively close. And when the score is close in a meaningful game - championship or otherwise - I'll usually watch, for the simple reason that I don't want to miss some amazing moment that goes down in sports history.

Nobody wants to be the guy who missed the Hail Mary pass or the Music City Miracle.

Granted, those things rarely happen, but there's been more than a few sports moments I've missed or can't remember, and as a pretty big sports fan, that bugs me. If the Canucks ever make it to the Stanley Cup finals, for example, I won't even leave the couch, just to ensure I don't miss something great.

So that's why I watched the game on Sunday. And although there wasn't much in the way of historic moments, there was a somewhat dramatic 50-yard field goal by Calgary's Sandro DeAngelis (his fifth of the game!) that iced it for the Stamps.

And, of course, I missed it.

I was in the garage, grabbing myself a Diet Coke.

That aside, I'll leave you with these two Grey Cup moments:

The first came in a text message from Jenna, who was watching the game with her family. They were picking squares, and her mom won the first quarter:

"My mom just won the first. She's a bitch."

Ouch.

And then this from my dad, after TSN showed a clip of Montreal's dreadlocked Larry Taylor making two TD returns in last week's Eastern Final against Edmonton:

"Of course he's fast. He's probably used to running from the cops."

:: The storm clouds are gathering* ::

Since Oct. 9, the first game of the Vancouver Canucks' season, I have made roughly $950 writing about them for one of my company's publications.

And though it's been just a month and a bit, and I've only been to 4 games live, it has been quite an experience. Press passes, press boxes, free popcorn, locker room access (Sorry Lanette, still no Bieksa picture) all kinds of behind-the-scenes stuff the regular person never gets to see. A few weeks ago, for example, Wayne Gretzky walked right past me in a hallway, and the game before that, I ended up getting my mug splashed on Sportsnet, after I walked behind an interview, and into the camera's frame.

So it's cool. But I don't feel like I technically "cover" the team, as other reporters do. It's just not in my job description. It's not my fulltime gig, however much I wish it was, so I don't foster relationships with anyone there, and all I ever have to write is 200 words on each game.

And that's what troubles me lately - the word count. I understand I can't write much longer than that - with the design of the publication, there isn't enough space on the page for more. But I'm a word guy - in my regular day job, I have the freedom to write basically as much as I want. I get beyond the score of a game, and can get into details, tell amusing stories, add in some good quotes, etc... But with this other thing, I can't.

Instead of telling you that Steve Bernier broke out of his slump and scored his fifth goal of the year after he chopped a knuckleball past the goalie, who wasn't paying attention; or instead of talking about what it meant for Pavol Demitra to come back strong against his old team with a goal and an assist, instead I tell you this:

"In the second period Steve Bernier scored his fifth of the season, while Demitra added one of his own."

That's it, that's all. No analysis, no insight. Just the facts.

Granted, I'm not actually complaining - the extra money's nice, getting to watch games live and for free is even better, and there's no way I'd ever voluntarily give up this gig, but sometimes I just wish I could write.

Thinking about my situation tonight, moments after I filed my 218-word opus on Vancouver's win over the Wild, I was reminded of 2 scenes from an episode of Sports Night, my all-time favourite show.

(The YouTube clips are longer than they need to be...in Clip 1, fast forward to 5:18, and in the second one, watch from 1:23 until 2:19. And the files aren't embedded in the blog because YouTube has that option disabled on these clips... sorry)

You gotta make it shorter (5:18-)

The storm clouds are gathering (1:23-2:19)


*Without watching the clips, only Mike will get this reference

"So...was talking to your blog the other day, and it said if you didn't post something soon, it was going to kick you in the balls. Just thought I'd let you know."

- MSN message left for me by Meghan on Tuesday.

Point taken.

A few days ago, Lanette posted on her blog something called "100 things about me" which, of course, encouraged Kelsey to post a similar thing on her blog, but instead called "102 things..." because Kelsey can't count very well.

So now, because I'm nothing if not a follower, I have a similar post, with one unique twist:

:100 things about me, plus 1 thing about someone else ::

1. I am 27 years old, but cannot grow a beard.

2. I am a very good liar, which I learned at Grade 7 camp, when I played a prank on someone and, with a straight face, convinced the prank victim that I had nothing to do with it, and instead implicated someone else. Instead of getting upset with me, the camp counsellor who witnessed our conversation complimented me on my skills of deception.

3. My favourite song of all-time is the Tragically Hip's Ahead by a Century.

4. My middle name is Kelly.

5. Kelsey's middle name is Dawn.

6. I enjoy a good game of extreme bocce.

7. I'm a charter member of the Grammar Police.

8. I spend most of my time at work e-mailing Wayne's World references to my co-worker, and text messaging Simpsons' quotes to Bucholtz, yet I am always praised for my incredible work ethic, and ability to get shit done.

9. I have a press pass for the Vancouver Canucks.

10. I'm hungover right now.

11. When it comes to success with the oppposite sex, I was in a slump for a very, very long time.

12. I'm doing better now.

13. In Grade 6, I won a fight against the toughest kid in school, Clay, because I hit him in the stomach with a hockey stick.

14. On one particular New Year's Eve, about 3 a.m., I got in such a loud argument with someone on the street in front on my parent's house that it woke my dad up, even though his bedroom is at the very back of the house.

15. I'm sometimes a very confrontational, obnoxious drunk.

16. I've lived in South Surrey, Langley, Kamloops and Peace River.

17. In Kamloops, I once helped throw an old Christmas tree off a 2nd floor balcony, over a fence and onto a muddy embankment.

18. The next morning, when I heard the landlord come to the door and tell one of the (non-involed) housemates that they had to go get the tree, I got up from sleeping on the couch, grabbed my stuff, and went home before anyone else woke up, so I didn't have to help. (Sorry Mike, Meghan, Melissa and Lorne...sort of)

19. I regret going right from high school to college, and then getting that done in four years and then getting a job. I wish I had taken a year to travel.

20. If I didn't live in B.C., I think I'd like to live in northern California.

21. I work in what most experts consider a dying industry.

22. Two of the playlists on my iTunes player are called, "Of course I'm drunk, asshole" and "Keep running, Fatty" (for the gym).

23. My brother is my best friend, and about 10 years ago I successfully stole all his best friends for myself because I decided they were a lot better people than the d-bags I'd been hanging out with in high school and my first year of university. I was right.

24. I successfully swindled my second dog, Digby, away from another friend, because I told everyone Diggers was better off with us. He was, for sure, but mostly I just didn't want to give the little guy back.

25. I've always been "the responsible one" "the funny one" or the "nice one" None of these "ones" help you get laid.

26. The first movie I ever saw in a theatre was Lady and the Tramp, in Vernon with my brother, mom and grandma at Christmastime. I remember it because, at the same time on Silver Star, my dad was skiing with my uncle and broke his leg.

27. I don't look it, but I have a pretty good ability to play almost any sport at a passable level, but I wish I was really good at at least one of them.

28. When I was 13, I cried when the Vancouver Canucks lost Game 7 of the 1994 Stanley Cup finals. If they ever win it, I'll probably cry then, too. I'm not ashamed of that, either.

29. I'm a pretty independent person. Growing up, I could always entertain myself. I've also never had a roommate, and if I ever had a girlfriend for more than 15 minutes, nobody can seem to remember.

30. I fall into the infamous "friend zone" with girls waaaaaay too easily, and it's impossible to escape from later. It's like fucking quicksand.

31. I have a parallel life with my friend and co-worker Kristyl. We went to the same high school (Walnut Grove), same college (Kwantlen), same university (TRU) and now we work together. Oddly enough, she also lives across the street, but we never even knew each other until last year when she started working with us.

32. I am not a morning person and value sleep more than almost everything. Today, for example, I woke up at my parent's house at 9 a.m., got a ride home, slept for another hour, got woken up by my drinking partners to go for breakfast, then came home and slept for another 3 hours. I woke up for good at 2:37 p.m.

33. I've only been to Las Vegas once, but I just absolutely love it. Not sure why, as I'm not a huge gambler, but I just love it. I'm going tomorrow.

34. I talk a good game, but am rarely motivated to do what I say I'm going to. In the past 12 months, I think I've said the following things: I'm going to buy a new place; I'm going to get a tattoo; I'm going to buy a Cadillac; I'm going to get laser eye surgery; I'm going to buy a dog. None of these things have happened.

35. I'm not ashamed to be lazy.

36. My favourite TV shows always get cancelled after just a season or two (Sports Night, Studio 60, The Job, Undeclared).

37. When I moved home from Alberta four-and-a-half years ago, I lost about 45-50 pounds, but haven't been able to lose anymore since, and it frustrates me more than anything else in my life.

38. My two favourite beers are Bud Light and Sleemans Original Draught.

39. One day I'll probably try and write a book or a screenplay, but everytime I start doing it, I give up about 5 pages in, at most. I don't know how the real writers do it.

40. If my parents weren't around, I'd probably be very lost, especially when it comes to how to cook stuff (mom) or how to fix things (dad).

41. I can bust out pop culture references like nobody's business.

42. One of my biggest pet peeves is e-mailing somebody and not getting a reply or acknowledgement back.

43. I'm still pretty shy, but not as painfully so as I used to be back in the day.

44. I'm very competitive, and hold the honour of being the first Cannons' slo-pitch player to be booted from a game.

45. I love Mexican food.

46. I'm a chronic list-maker. (I like to be organized.)

47. Last year was my finest year of work. I won a first-place Suburban Newspapers of America award (Canada & United States) for sports writing, and a third-place for column writing, the latter of which I'd been doing for less than a year.

48. Last year I won $1,600 in a hockey pool.

49. In my school and work life, the two biggest criticisms of me have been the following: I'm too much of a smart-ass for my own good (school), and I'm not intense enough (work).

50. Both times I was told those things, I literally laughed out loud to the superior who told them to me.

51. I showed up shitfaced to my year-end university banquet, even though the banquet started at noon on a Wednesday.

52. Mike and I once purchased matching ugly orange ties from Value Village for us and six of our friends. To my knowledge, I am the only one who still has his, although Mike might, too.

53. I just learned how to tie a tie a few months ago.

54. I was once part of a consortium of troublemakers who attempted to dismantle and steal a Sifton Ave. street sign in Kamloops. Our impending failure resulted in Mike almost getting arrested, me running for blocks and blocks, and Shaun losing a shoe.

55. A little while after the above escapade, Mike and I commemorated the event by making T-shirts that said "Sifton Avenue Mischief" on them.

56. I survived a northern Alberta winter without snow tires on my Honda Civic.

57. I make fun of myself a lot, especially in my column writing.

58. In the last two years, I've become very addicted to golfing, even though I'm not very good.

59. I eat sushi at least twice a week, but not the raw stuff. I could live very comfortably off beef teriyaki rolls and prawn tempura.

60. Like Kelsey, I panic when I don't have my BlackBerry on me.

61. Me, Doug and Chris once made so many prank calls, especially to one person, that the cops came to my mom and dad's house. The cops also came once when someone in the car I was driving threw a Burger King cup out the window. Old people behind us called 9-1-1 and told the cops it was a beer bottle, and that we intentionally tossed it off the overpass.

62. Most of the time, I think people should just mind their own fucking business.

63. I hate awkward, forced conversations, which is why I've successfully weaseled out of nearly every banquet or other schmoozefest that my company has ever tried to send me to.

64. Two of the (hundreds of) girls I've slept with in my life had boyfriends at the time, or so they said. 64B. I feel absolutely no guilt for this. Like none. Whatever I can get, I takes.

65. My grandpa is one of my biggest role models in my life, for many reasons. I respect him more than almost anybody.

66. 80% of the time I'm awake, I'm either chewing gum or drinking Diet Coke.

67. I started this blog five years ago because Mike had one and I wanted one, too, but since then about 10 of my friends have started blogs, most of which are now dormant or erased from the 'net, Mike's included. The lesson here? I'm a trendsetter and I have staying power.

68. I hate returning gifts.

69. Hahaha, 69. (I'm pretty immature at times)

70. I'm addicted to double-doubles from Tim Hortons.

71. I failed my driver's test twice, and back when it was run on the old demerit system, I passed my third test with the maximum allowable demerits. One more missed shoulder check, and I'd have failed.

72. I once went to work at my old auto parts-delivery job after having been drinking all night with my cousins, and subsequently fell asleep at a stop light later that day, while delivering to some place at the airport. It was only for a few seconds, probably, but only a honk from the car behind me woke me up.

73. After being accepted into school at Kamloops, I changed my mind at the last minute, and applied to the Human Kinetics/sports management program at UBC, which I somehow got into. Then, two weeks later, I changed my mind again and switched back to the 'loops, which is where I stayed.

74. The real reason I applied to UBC was because I didn't want to move away.

75. Three junior hockey coaches in two different leagues have been suspended and/or fined because of things they said to me after a game, and which I then published in the paper.

76. Things I've been called by angry readers during my tenure in the news business: an asshole, a stupid young fuck, the devil, an idiot, arrogant, inconsiderate, Rick.

77. I think I was born to be a GM of a baseball or hockey team. When I was a kid I used to invent entire fake teams with fake players, write down all the lineups and stats, and face the teams off against each other in an imaginary league. Players would retire, get traded, everything - somewhere still there is probably an entire notebook full of phony rosters, box scores and transaction reports.

78. I am the undisputed Scattergories champion of the world.

79. The first girl I ever kissed, way back in elementary school, died about three years ago as a result of some kind of eating disorder. I just happened to see her obituary in the paper one day, and remembered her name.

80. At heart, I'm a pretty frugal person, but you wouldn't know it by the amount of money I blow.

81. After I gained back a few of the pounds I lost upon my return from Alberta, I decided I would no longer weight myself. I've been trying to lose weight again lately, but have absolutely no idea how much I weigh anymore. I'm scared to look. I judge my fitness ups and downs by whether or not I can fit into my biege and brown Brody button-up, and an old white Hurley t-shirt that I love, but haven't been able to wear for a couple years.

82. Right now, the Brody shirt doesn't really fit, but the Hurley one does, so I'm still very confused.

83. I despise mushrooms, and when I was a kid I hated mayonaise so much that I refused to even touch the jar. Now I don't mind it.

84. I have 1,325 songs on my iPod - everything from the Barenaked Ladies to Nirvana, to Frank Sinatra and Jay-Z.

85. I dislike the mall very much. If not for Orange Julius and those big slices of pizza in the food court, I'd probably buy everything online.

86. My favourite position in baseball is the outfield. Nothing beats making a diving catch. Nothing.

87. The best baseball advice I ever got was, oddly enough, from a hockey coach. In Peace River, the junior B coach told me that the most important thing in baseball was to learn how crush home runs. Why? "Chicks dig the long ball."

88. I went to school with a guy who was, at one point last year, one of B.C.'s top 10 most wanted car thieves. Another guy I went to school with had to move halfway across the world to escape his going-nowhere life, and another was murdered about a year and half ago in a gang-related execution. Oh, and those infamous Bacon Brothers of Abbotsford? They used to live across the street.

89. I hate being cold.

90. My two favourite movies are Wayne's World and The Goonies.

91. Last summer, I fulfilled my life-long goal of being so drunk that, the next morning, I puked in a children's playground.

92. I have an official MLB baseball that Richie Sexson hit into the left-field bleachers at Safeco Field during pre-game batting practice.

93. For years, I kept the puck that was my first-ever minor hockey goal, which I scored when I was eight. I don't know where it is, but I bet I could still ID it - it had a large chunk missing from it. It was a garbage goal too, I was standing in the crease and fired a rebound into a wide open net.

94. I'm very superstitious when it comes to sports. When I was about 13, I once won about 10-12 games in a row, so I refused to re-tape my goalie stick until we lost. When we finally did, I rolled the old tape up a ball, and kept it in my hockey bag for years, as a good luck charm. I still have it.

95. At no level of baseball or slo-pitch have I ever hit a ball over the fence, and it remains my biggest sporting goal. If I could just do it once, I could retire happy.

96. I go to my parents' house for dinner pretty much every Sunday. (And also whenever I run out of food, but Sundays for sure)

97. I miss my two dogs all the time.

98. As a teenager and even in my early 20s, I always seemed to have money when nobody else did, and I have no idea why, because I only ever had crappy part-time jobs. I'd always end up lending people money, and only stopped when I realized I wasn't getting it all back in a timely fashion. For awhile, a buddy of mine nicknamed me "Transaction Man"

99. And on the subject of money, I'm pretty sure that, for one reason or another, Kelsey still owes me $20. I couldn't tell you from what, or if she actually does, but I just assume. We've had a fair number of prolonged transactions through the years.

100. The CP Style Guide basically runs my life.

101. My lucky number is 3.

:: Get a life ::

I'm pretty sure that this guy right here has never seen a real boob. I mean, seriously - look at his "setup."

If you read through the story, you'll see that it costs this guy over $5,000 annually to play that stupid game.

Jeez, some people's kids....

:: Financial responsibility ::

Pretty much my whole life, I've been very responsible with my money. Even when I worked only a day or two a week while in high school and college, I still managed to save enough cash to do all the stuff I wanted to do - which was mostly drink and buy video games. As a result of my ability to save, very rarely in my life have I not been able to do something I wanted to do because of money, or lack thereof (within reason, of course. It's not like I could ever afford to jet off to Australia for 6 months, just 'cuz).

And the last few years, responsibility has reared it's ugly head again - the first thing I did with my money was pay off student loans, my car and bought a townhouse. Cristal, hookers and blow it ain't, but that's just me.

Such financial thriftyness would seem to come in handy right about now, because I have an expensive fall coming up - which is usually "save time" after an always-expensive summer. But I'm going to kamloops in 3 weeks to hang out, followed immediately by Vegas a week later. And closer to home, I am in need of purchasing a new mattress/box spring, as well as a new washer/dryer, as mine could explode at a moment's notice.

However, my money concerns were slightly abated last week when I discovered, tucked into my passport, $300 in traveller's cheques from trip to Vegas last April, which I thought I'd redeposited at the bank upon my return, but apparently not. Score.

So, what did I do? Reinvest that cash into my upcoming Vegas trip? Perhaps look into buying some new appliances before my current ones explode in a hail of metal, fire and Bounce sheets? Or hell, maybe live dangerously and just put it back into my savings account?

All good options, for sure. All smart ideas.

So I bought some new golf clubs instead.

"Sean, you are 20 years ahead of the future." - Scotty, discussing a man who is apparently far, far ahead of his time.

"It's bad when you can't figure out whether it came from somebody's ass or their mouth." - Unknown, the day of the gift opening. (editor's note: that's what she said)

"Jesus's brother was an astronaut." - Bobby

:: The track, a wedding and the open road ::

Well, first thing's first - I probably shouldn't mention anything until I talk about a certain event which shook down last Saturday... Jer and Katie's wedding.

I've known Jer a real long time - he's like a brother to me, practically - so I'm obviously happy for him and Katie, who I haven't obviously known as long, but is still pretty awesome in my books. Far better than a jerk like Jer probably deserves, but hey - life's funny that way :) (Just kidding, Jer).

And while I could probably write a sappy post about love and marriage and all that stuff, I'm not going too. Mostly because it wouldn't be very good. (For the record though, I could fake it well enough that you'd probably not notice the difference). However, I'm going to do something I'm better at - whine.

The wedding, like most, was Saturday afternoon. 3 p.m. No problem.

I had plans with some folks from work to go out the night before, and those nights always turn messy. However, with the wedding the next day, I figured I'd take 'er easy Friday, call it a night early, and then save my liver and my energy reserves for the toonie bar at the wedding reception.

And while a good idea in theory, it was not executed with much precision. None at all, actually.

By 9:00 Friday night I'm fairly certain I was loaded, and was - along with a few other co-workers - making annoying, loud phone calls to our other co-workers who chose not to attend. I ended up spending $100, getting home at 1:30 in the morning, and not dragging myself out of bed until12:15, with one helluva headache that took 4 advils, and about 4 hours to eradicate.

However, I did it - and managed to get to the wedding with other an hour to spare so I could help set up. I'd have been there earlier, but my booze-addled brain forgot black socks and a belt when I drove to my parent's house to pick up my pants which had been hemmed. Preparation was a bit of a trainwreck, what can I say?

Thankfully I started feeling better as the reception progressed, and I still got loaded on $2 beers and free wine, but I still came perilously close to fucking up the evening's festivities for myself.

So what's the lesson here, you may ask? Don't be a fucking idiot - that's what.

In other non-wedding news, I recently wrapped up my glorious 2 weeks of vacation, which actually turns into about 17 days off when you factor in weekends and Labour Day. I spent the first week in the Okanagan - first going from Langley to Kamloops to Wells Gray Park, then followed that by going back through Kamloops, then to Enderby/Sicamous, then home.

All in all, it was awesome, but a lot of driving. I felt like I spent far too much time on the road. I figured this out the day after I returned home. It was a Monday afternoon, and I decided I should go run some laps at the track and work off all the beer and food I'd recently consumed. As I approached the tennis courts at the park, a guy in a slick looking black sedan zipped past. I didn't get a look at what kind of car it was, but thought it was an Audi. Hoping to catch a glimpse of a decal on the trunk to confirm my suspicions, I turned my head to the left to check my rearview mirror.

There was no mirror though.

I was walking.

Speaking of the track, I was there again tonight (for the record, this is about Day 525 of my on-again, off-again get in shape plan). Normally, I just walk there, do my thing, and walk home, but tonight I couldn't help but notice the amount of rule-breakers, weirdos, and just plain fucking idiots that were there, too. So with that in mind, I present to you my Rules for Going to the Track:

#1 - Run the same fucking direction as everyone else. Listen pops, this one shouldn't be too hard to follow. When you get to the park in your Tony Soprano full-body-matching track suit (complete with headband), take a quick look at the 20-25 other people who are already there. Notice something? Yeah, they're all running counter-clockwise, like normally fucking people. Hell, even race horses run that damn direction, likely without being told twice. Just do it - the rest of us don't want to worry we're going to have a head-on collision just because we glance down at our iPods. Besides that, you look like a fucking douchebag.

#2 - Do not bring your dog to the track. If you want to run with your dog, keep your exercise to neighbourhood streets and parks like everybody else. The reason people come to the track in the first place is so they don't have to dodge dogshit and traffic.

#3 - If you absolutely insist on letting your dog run on the track alongside you, make sure it's not a Bichon Frise. Look, I've got no problem with small dogs - I used to have two, but they aren't "running dogs." If you're running alongside a German sheppard or a lab, that's fine - they're built for it, presumably. But jogging next to your tiny, little pooch is not only cruel to the dog - how fast do you think his fucking legs move, Toots? - you also look like an idiot. And that little pink sweater you're making Princess wear isn't helping your cause either, sweetheart.

#4 - Once your girlfriend with the little dog is done her two draining "power laps" around the track, and gives Princess to you to watch while she "cools down," don't try to look tough. Yeah Muscles, I'm talking to you - the guy standing on the edge of the soccer turf with the Affliction shirt holding the leash. Uncross your arms, take the don't-fuck-with-me scowl off your face, and relax. Your dog has a pink jacket on - now is not the time to Man Up.

#5 - If, during the course of your jog, a soccer ball from the practice in the middle of the track happens to bounce off the field and come within five feet of you, kick it back. Look D-Bag, just do the guys on the field a favour and boot it back to 'em - it takes you a lot less effort to move your foot in a kicking motion once than it does for the goalie to run 40-50 feet behind the net and across the track surface to get the ball once it's rolled to the fence. Don't pretend you don't see it; don't start fiddling with your iPod headphones, and don't look the other way. Just stop the friggin ball. And even if it's more than five feet in front of you, if you can speed up a bit - hell, even sprint for a second - in order to save the shot, do it. Picking up the pace momentarily isn't gonna kill you, and you can probably afford to burn an extra calorie or two anyway, Lardo.

#6 - Only do wind sprints on the straightaway portion of the track if you actually should be doing them. Look, there are people at the track who are legitimate sprinters - college and high school athletes who are training for serious. It's pretty damn obvious who they are - for starters, they're the only ones there actually in shape. You can also tell just by watching their routines for 20 seconds that they know what they are doing. Leave it to them. Midway through your jog, do not wander over to the straightaway and start doing sprints. You aren't impressing anybody, douche, and you aren't fooling us either. If you were really a serious sprinter, you wouldn't have ran 8 laps at a leisurely pace before doing the 100m. Yeah, you gotta warm up - but I don't think Usain Bolt runs two miles before stepping into the blocks.

#7 - If you can only run half a set of stairs - barely - don't run stairs at all. Pretty simple. Sure, I'd like to run a marathon, but I'm not start doing it then quit after 500 metres. I applaud your effort, for sure - but you're embarassing yourself. Run down on the flat surface like the rest of us.

And finally, #8 - Don't bring your God damn kids. The last thing any of us wanna do is have to trip over three kids who've decided that "play time" should occur around the last corner. No, it's not cute when little Billy cheers your name every time you run past, nor is it adorable when your 6-year-old daughter runs part of the way with you every lap. They're in the fucking way, and if you don't move 'em, well...

:: How much I love technology, Part II ::

As Jeremy's all-day stag party is tomorrow, beginning at 9 a.m., I - like many fellow invitees - am taking it easy tonight in order to preserve precious energy. With nothing to do, I figured it would be a good night to chill out and watch some episodes of Entourage. I've seen my DVDs plenty already, so I figured I'd download some I haven't seen.

So I loaded up Limewire, typed in Entourage Season 4, and clicked OK. The number one option, right at the top of the list?

"Chick teaches another girl how to fist herself."

Oh well, at least I've got something to watch besides re-runs.

:: Public Service Announcement ::

In my 27 years on this planet, I have met quite a few people, and a significant number of these people I consider to be my friends. Now, for the most part, these friends are good people, smart people. I don't, after all, associate with too many complete fucking idiots.

Sure, some of my friends have their moments of stupidity - who doesn't? - but by and large, they are sensible people who are ruled by rational thought.

But sometimes they do things that just boggle my mind. I don't think they're stupid, I just can't quite grasp their reasons for doing things sometimes. And with that in mind, I just want to remind all of you of one thing for your own good:

Fort McMurray is really fucking far away. And really fucking North.

In recent months, some of you have forgotten that, so I just wanted to remind you all, so we don't have any more of these mistakes.

If this warning saves at least one person, it will have been worth it. And for those of you it is too late to save, well... see you in six months. Try not to get frostbite. (Or the herp, for that matter. Those oil sands guys are pretty sketchy).

Thank you for your time.

:: How much I love technology ::

In my department at work, we have nine computers. Each of these computers is also equipped with an e-mail address, and in some cases, two e-mail addresses. One of these addresses gets many, many e-mails a day, submitted through our company website.

Due to the high volume of mail to this address, we don't have anyone who monitors this account on a constant basis, nor do they send replies back. It basically exists so people can send us information, so they don't necessarily expect a reply, and it would take an extra full-time staff member to do it, anyhow.

However, recently we had two people call to make sure we received their message, as they hadn't heard anything back from us, and we expecting at least a confirmation. These calls are annoying, so we finally came up with a solution: set up an autoreply. (It's amazing it took us 8 months to come up with it).

This autoreply - which many business people use when they go away on vacation and won't, therefore, be answering mail - basically just says "Thank you for your submission. Blah blah blah..."

Good idea, no?

Well this week...not so much.

Turns out that, in a rare instance, someone did actually use this e-mail account to send an outgoing message. No trouble usually, except the would-be recipient of said e-mail was, well, away on vacation, and had set up an autoreply of his own.

So for approximately 19 hours straight, these two e-mail addresses played tag back and forth.

"Thank you for your submission."
"Sorry, I'm away on vacation."
"Thank you for your submission."
"Sorry, I'm away on vacation."
"Thank you for your submission."
"Sorry, I'm away on vacation."
"Thank you for your submission."

And so on and so forth. Overnight.

Needless to say, our tech guys - who just happened to be in the office upgrading most of our computers - were impressed.

And, while we're discussing technology, I'd like to talk about my BlackBerry, if I may. I don't know the name of the default text messaging/typing system on BlackBerrys, but it's the one where you type a few letters and the phone tries to guess what word you are trying to type, and lists a few suggestions. You pick one, and continue. In the beginning, it was incredibly frustrating because you'd constantly try to spell words your phone didn't know, and it was often quite a task to get it to say what you want. You get used to it though, and the phone gets used to you through it's "Custom dictionary."

Basically, every new word you introduce - be it a person's name, website, slang, typo - gets added to the custom dictionary, so the next time you try to spell it, it's available in the list. The trouble is, all kinds of typos, abbreviations and other gibberish get saved in there too, so now and then it's good to go into your dictionary settings, browse your list of custom words, and delete the ones that make no sense. After a few months, there's tons.

I did that tonight, and after clearing out most of the garbage, I was impressed by some of the things I have taught my BlackBerry to spell. Among my phone's new words are:

bobblehead
bullshit
confuddled
c*nt
douchebag
douchebaggery
fabulicious
fuck
fucked
fucker
fuckers
fuckin
fucking
fuckstick
fuckingfucks
gongshow
hungover
jager-bomb
jerkass
moochy
pastrami
ratbag
ridalin
samesies
shitfaced
sloot
Steppenwolf
Trebek

The fun part is trying to remember how and why I would've used most of those words in a sentence or conversation. The best part is that I taught a piece of high-tech machinery eight different ways to recognize the word 'fuck.'

'Tis a proud day. I imagine it's not unlike the feeling a beaming father gets upon hearing his young son speak his first words. (Assuming, of course, the son's first word isn't douchebag or fuckstick.)

:: How to survive a social function with co-workers ::

So say someone you work with - one of your friends - has organized some kind of weekend pub crawl, and invited other co-workers, yourself included. And say you've decided to go - it'll be fun, you figure, as long as you don't embarrass yourself.

Because it's one thing to make an ass of yourself in front of your regular friends - they've seen you at your worst, and have forgiven you already - but it's another matter entirely when you are with work people. For starters, as close as you may be as friends, most of them still haven't seen you in certain situations. And secondly, if you act like a dick to your friends, at least you only see them 2-3 times a week, tops. Co-workers are there five days in a row. 40 hours a fucking week.

So I hereby present to you, a post work-function survival guide. Think of it as a morning-after pill of sorts. Sure you went out with well-intentioned plans to just have a few and behave yourself, but instead you did four jager bombs, made some decisions and got fucked. Keep in mind these are hypothetical situations, mostly, and while I have gotten myself into a few of these situations, I have never commented on a co-workers cleavage (see example below) because that would just be.... weird.

For starters, upon waking up the following morning, immediately locate your cell phone. Check text messages and call logs. Don't check necessarily for how many times you called your best friend, or your ex, between the hours of 2:00 and 3:00 a.m. - as we've already mentioned, those people understand you, and expect such behaviour.

What you want to check for are phone calls and text messages to the following people: your boss, your fellow co-workers at the bar, and your co-workers' significant others (forgetting for the moment, that you probably shouldn't have your office-mate Bill's wife in your Fave Five anyhow). If you have no messages from that evening's festivities, you are in the clear. However, there is an above-average chance you have messages that resemble the following:

"Heeeeey douchebag, I'm so glad I work with yous guys. You're GREAT!"

And they probably get more creepy and weird from there:

"Hey, remember that shirt you wore on Wednesday? The one that showed your cleavage? You should wear that one more often"

"When was the last time you actually got laid? You should go hit on my friend Teresa. Yeah, she's engaged, so what? Do it!"

If you have text messages - or, God forbid, voice mail - that resembles this in any way, delete immediately. Best to pretend it never happened, and hope to God that the other person is doing the very same thing.

Next, log onto Facebook. If it's 11:00 a.m. or later - and let's face it, it is - there is a high probability that photos from the evening in question are already posted. If they are, you have only one course of action: untag, untag, untag!

I cannot stress this enough. Chances are, if you act quick enough, the non-tagged photos will show up in very few people's newsfeeds, and though they'll still be online, fewer people will know they exist. (Sidenote: While you are sifting through incriminating pictures, be sure to click "save" on the one of you doing body shots off your secretary's rack...you know, for your personal collection. That one's a keeper).

Secondly, in an effort to stem the flow of news, perhaps change your facebook status to something false, yet less incriminating. Suggestions include "Joe enjoyed his night at the movies" or perhaps "Steve had a good time at his parents house last night for dinner"

Granted, these statuses work best if your name is Joe or Steve, but you get the idea. Also, while we're on the subject, resist the urge to go over the top with your new status. Bill is back from doing charity work at the orphanage, or Hector spent his Friday night bathing homeless people sounds impressive (and in the case of the latter, gross), but nobody's gonna buy it. Reasonable expectations, people - that's the key.

After you've done your best online work, the next step is to pick up your phone again, and send a text message (assuming you're not still drunk) to one of your co-workers who was at the party. Make it something lame, and generic, like "Great party last night, eh?" or perhaps, "How's your hangover?"

Hopefully, this effort will net you a reply from your colleague along the lines of, "Yep, great night. Wanna get some pancakes?" If this is the case, you are likely in the clear, as your friend is not horrified enough of your actions to avoid being seen in public with you. (Either that, or they really like pancakes).

Worst case scenario is the following responses:

"Fuck you, asshat."
"Oooh, man. You're alive?!"
"Where'd you end up last night? Last I saw, you left the club with that Mexican tranny."

These are all bad. But silence can also be just as damning - or not. On one hand, perhaps this person is so angry and/or repulsed by your actions that he or she wants nothing to do with you (til Monday, when they have no other choice). Or perhaps - and this works in your favour - they are more embarrassed of their own actions, and would prefer to hide out alone in their dark basements until they have to go back to work.

Either way, just make the call and hope for some delicious flapjacks.

And now, I present to you your last option. Your Saving Grace:

Just move away.

Yeah, I know you've got a brand new condo in a nice neighbourhood, and you just took out a lease on that new Kia Hybrid, but fuck it. Sell everything. Get out of town. No goodbyes. No two-weeks notice. Just fucking go.

Fast.

Because no matter how well you follow my many suggestions above, sometimes there's very little that you can do to save yourself after you've had your tongue down the throat of that married woman in accounts receivable, got in a fist fight with Paul from the mail room, and puked in your boss's wife's purse.

Don't worry though. I hear Budapest is nice this time of year.

:: Park the attitude, bitch ::

My current office backs onto a large, fenced-in gravel parking lot - a lot we share with employees of a large strip mall and a few other businesses. The lot, along with the mall, is called The Courtyard* and is owned by a company of the same name.

Up until about two years ago, the lot was plenty big enough for all of us, with room to spare. However, with recent construction of two high-rise towers right next door, The Courtyard leased two-thirds of the lot to the high-rise development company, so it's employees would have a place to smoke weed during their lunch break.

Since then, our portion of the lot has been a mess, with cars jammed in at any angle in which they can fit. Along a concrete retaining wall there is room for about 12 cars, and there are two large garbage bins at the end. Apparently, the garbage men - who only come on Wednesdays - have had trouble maneuvering their rigs around our many cars in order to pick up the large bins. As such, someone spray-painted "No Parking" on the retaining wall, on either side of the bins, which effectively loses us 3 parking spaces.

No big deal. Garbage has to be emptied, after all.

However, this week, the arrows on the "No Parking" sign have progressively been extended for no apparent reason, thus losing us about 8-10 of the original 12 parking spots. So today I parked my car just beyond where the spray-painted arrow stopped, thinking that the No-park zone had ended exactly at that point. Makes sense, no? Besides, how much fucking room does a garbage truck need, anyhow?

Apparently, however, I was still in the wrong, and to properly convey my befuddlement/annoyance, I will direct you to this recent post by Mike at In It But Not of It.

I was made aware of my apparent mal-parkage when I left the office today at 4:30. As I walked towards my car, I noticed a woman sticking a slip of paper under my wiper blades. No big deal, I thought, as I approached my car. We get them all the time from The Courtyard security people - mostly in the case that our vehicle doesn't have a parking sticker in the window, or maybe we have a new car and the licence plates don't match up with their records.

Sometimes, they'll even give us friendly little notes about car security, reminding us that we left something valuable on the passenger seat, or left our sunroof open. Stuff like that.

So when I grabbed the paper - with the woman leaving but still no more than 25 feet away - I was somewhat shocked to read, scribbled hastily in ALL CAPS across the paper:

CAN'T YOU READ?! NO PARKING!

I looked up, and though I was still just beyond that professionally-spray painted No Parking arrow, this woman had tacked another NO PARKING sign on the wall, directly in front of my car. (Apparently the garbage trucks need 12 car-widths to pull in and out of a parking lot. 12!)

"Excuse me - did you just put this on my car?" I questioned loud enough so that the woman turned back in my direction.

I walked towards her - my work notebook and pen still in hand - and she began a holier-than-thou diatribe about how I can't park there and obviously have no regard for rules, and if I want the privilege of parking there I better start following directions. Now keep in mind that I have no clue who this woman is - she could've owned the property or simply been the cashier at the fucking drug store in The Courtyard.

As she ranted, I took my pen and scribbled across the top of her note which questioned my literacy.

When she was finally done, I spoke.

"Can you read?" I asked, walking up close to her.

"Of course I can!" she said, in a huff.

"Then what's this say?" I asked, opening the paper to show her my own block letters.

"It says 'Lose the attitude.'"

"Exactly."

And then I crumpled the paper, tossed it in the gravel between our feet, got in my car and drove home.


*Not the real name

:: Some advice ::

When arriving home from any sort of outing - be it a vacation or camping trip, or a business excursion, I will provide for you this important tip: Upon returning home, be sure to "clean up" everything as quickly as possible.

Be sure to put any excess food either in the fridge or the garbage, and make sure all your laundry is done too, so as not to discover a rogue sock four months down the road.

Those two things - food and laundry - are the obvious ones, of course, but there are others, too, which you should know about.

For example, the next time you go away for a few days - camping with rowdy friends, perhaps - be absolutely sure that you've cleared out your wallet of all extraneous material upon your triumphant return.

That way, when you head back to work the next week and go out for lunch with colleagues, you won't open your wallet to reach for your credit card only to find instead two beer can tabs, a condom from a tournament gift bag, and what appears to be some kind of dead insect.

I'm just saying...

:: The inevitable end of Captain Canuck ::

You knew it was coming.

You knew it was coming the first time he sat in the press box for more than two games in a row. You knew it was a foregone conclusion each time a reporter asked him how he felt about his limited role, and he refused to complain, instead saying something classier - some variation of "That's just hockey," or "He's the coach, he makes the decisions," or "I'm just here to help out anyway I can."

You knew it every time a newspaper reporter wrote a mid-season obituary opining on what he'll do after he leaves the ice for the last time. Or every time a television or radio broadcaster said that whatever it was he'd just done was "maybe the last time he'll score a goal/get an assist/get a penalty/get a standing ovation/yell at a referee" in his long, storied career.

And you knew it for sure when his parents showed up to see his last game. Or when the entire Calgary Flames team returned to the ice after the final whistle to shake his hand, which is still one of the most touching, classiest things I've ever witnessed in all my years watching sports.

And then, after it all, there was his victory lap around the rink - the one accompanied by a standing ovation that seemed to last longer than the game itself, the cheers echoing down every hallway of the rink he helped fill.

You just knew.

But sometimes it's hard to let go, so deep down - far past the little, common-sense voice in your head that says, "It's over," you tried to convince youself that maybe it wasn't over after all. Maybe, just maybe, he'd come back.

Alas, it isn't to be.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, June 11, at 11 a.m., 18 years and 1,382 games after he arrived, Trevor Linden is retiring.

Not unexpected, of course, and deep down, you know it's the right time to say goodbye.

Doesn't make it any easier though, now that's it's for real.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I've been fairly sleep deprived for the past week or so. And, for the most part, it's mostly my own fault: One night I stayed up too late downloading music, only to remember at nearly midnight that the following morning I had to be at work an hour and a half earlier than usual. And on more than a few nights I just haven't been able to get my body and mind to decompress until after 11.

And then of course there was one night where I shut off my computer, flicked off the lights, and got ready to call it an early night...only to discover that Karate Kid was on channel 53, which obviously required me to stay up until 12:30 a.m. to watch it.

But it's not all my fault.

A few mornings ago, while I was comfortably asleep in my nice warm bed, enjoying my last hour and a half of much-needed sleep, I heard a loud crash, and a thrashing around coming from somewhere in the vincinity of my living room.

I bolted up in bed, thinking that maybe somebody was in my house. I went to investigate (pantsless, I might add) and soon realized the loud racket was coming from my second floor balcony. Could somebody have actually, somehow made it onto my patio?

And if so, what the fuck were they doing there? Stealing deck chairs and pop tins full of cigarette butts?

So, still blurry-eyed considering the early hour, I whipped open the blinds to see....this:

Fucking geese.

:: All over but the cryin' ::

Nearly five years ago, I wrote the shortest post ever to appear on this blog. It summed up, quite succinctly, the Vancouver Canucks' premature end to the season, losing in seven games to the Minnesota Wild despite leading 3-games-to-1 at one point.

It was, is, and always will be one thing: A choke job.

Today, the season is over prematurely again, although I'm hard pressed to call Game 81 a choke job. Yes, they needed to win to stay alive. Yes, they were playing the already-out Edmonton Oilers, and yes, they hadn't lost to the Oil at home, in regulation, in 16 months (16 months!!).

But it's not a choke job in the typical sense, because really, what did you expect? They haven't played like a professional hockey team for most of the past 4 weeks. If you want to label anything as a choke, label the entire month of March.

Because let's be real here, tonight's game wasn't any different than any other night. Plenty of opportunity. No finish.

No heart.

But disappointing as the last month has been, it all came to a head tonight. All the struggles could've been erased with a simple win (and then another Saturday, but we're living in the present here for the moment), but they just didn't have the heart.

And the most disappointing thing?

It wasn't the fact that they couldn't put the puck past a washed-up, 38-year-old goalkeeper who lost his starting gig this season to a guy (Mathieu Garon) who was once not good enough for the Los Angeles Kings.

And it wasn't the fact that they scored but one lone goal - near the end - despite a 2-man advantage, a 5-minute major power-play, and with nearly one-third of the game's total time (18 of 60 minutes) played with one player more than the other team.

It wasn't that Alex Burrows was the team's best forward, either; nor the fact that Trevor Linden won't play his final game as a Canuck in the playoffs - where he belongs - but rather in a mean-nothing Saturday night tilt that will have all the emotion of a crib tournament down at the senior's centre.

And believe it or not, it wasn't even that the immortal Linden happened to be in the penalty box when the winning goal was scored, even though we all know he deserved better.

And though it's a close call, the worst thing isn't even that I now have no meaningful hockey to watch until October, or that now all the bandwagon-jumping, fair-weather fans will be shooting there collective mouth off until then either, about all the things they knew that Dave Nonis didn't.

No, the saddest, more aggravating thing about suffering through all of this?

It was pay-per-view, and it cost us $12.95 to do it.

Like charging admission at a funeral.

:: Vegas, baby ::

Booked my trip for Vegas today, so in 18 days I'll be in the desert, losing all my money, staying up real, real late, and drinking for free.

And, most importantly, it's a few days away from work. Score.

Sidenote: The weekend before I leave is my birthday, so we're goin' drinking. It'll be low-key; there will be no party buses necessary, but we're goin' drinking. Just so you know.

And, now, here's these, which I've been saving a few weeks:

"She's a judger. I call her Philip Banks." - Buchs, talking about A-Scrams

"You're a pretty girl, why do you screw it up by making that ugly face?" - Buchs again, likely about Amanda...again.

Amanda: Everything is sharing...sharing, sharing, sharing!
Sean: If Rachel ever said that to me I'd share a slap with her.

and after we bugged Buch about this excessive "sharing" with Amanda...
Amanda: You think that's bad? Tell him about our joint account.
Buchs: It's a change jar.

Me (when Scott didn't show up to eat sushi with us): Scott's noodles are gonna be cold.
Kels: Scott's noodle is gonna be cold for a long time if he doesn't smarten up.

"I can't believe we used to call you 'Hot Sean' - you're such a weiner." - Amanda

"It's minority central. Why don't they jut bring in a Chinaman, too?" - Buchs, with his take on the Democratic leadership race.

After it was discovered that Sean was at Ian's house sans Rachel, who was on the Island...
"It's weird, that's all. It's just like if Chris is somewhere, Jenna's probably there too. Or if there's Scott, you know Kelsey will be there, or if there's Nick, you know nobody will be there." - Buchs

Ouch.

:: Tales from the Vault ::

Remember a few months back, when I wrote about my love of Sports Illustrated? And more specifically, I wrote about that long-lost SI article about the cross-country team tragedy, and how I'd searched high and low, near and far, but could not find a copy of it.

Well, SI has recently unveiled my absolute new favourite (non-pornographic) website: The SI Vault. And of course, the first thing I searched for was that damn article. Which I found right here.

Now, because it was so long since I'd read it, my memories of the story - which I'd written about in my original post - were a little bit off. It was a university running team, not a high school one. And there isn't one sole survivor, but, well...go read it. You'll see.

Sad/lame/nerdy as it is, finding this article has pretty much made my night (Aside from the amusing, early-evening encounter with some stupid woman who tried to sell my orthodics for my shoes while I was in the middle of a run. Seriously.)

But that's a story for another day.

For now, if you've got some time, go read that. I was 20 years old when that story was written, and it's Exhibit 1A of why do what I do, when - at the time - all I really wanted to do was quit school and come home.

"I'm not cheap - I'm poor! There's a difference." - Kels

Me (pointing to Ian's big, ugly belt buckle): Ian, what the hell does it say on that buckle?
Ian: North American Construction Group.
Me: Uhh..why are you wearing it?
Ian: I'm representin'.

"Ahh, fuck, now we've gotta go to Jenna's house. Nick, hit me over the head with this bottle so we can go to the hospital instead." - Chris, who wanted to just go home after the Canucks game instead of over to visit one of Jenna's mom's friends.

Brian: Whoa! Chris, that was the most affection I've ever seen you show towards your girlfriend.
Chris: It was a headlock.