:: Sitcom ending ::

Unlike Christene, who has an encyclopedic memory for all things TV (I mean, as a baby, her first word was - no joke - "Scooby-Doo") I don't remember a lot of specific television moments from my childhood, The Simpsons notwithstanding, but one I vividly recall, for whatever reason, is the series finale of Growing Pains.

In that episode, the Seaver family uproots from Long Island, NY for Washington, DC because the mom, Maggie, takes a new TV anchor job there. It's an episode filled with sap and nostalgia, not to mention the typical Family-Moves-Away plot device as a way to end the show (copied by a million shows before and since, notably Friends).

The final scene before the end credits roll sees Maggie taking one last loving glance around the now-empty living room. Conveniently, the family has forgot to pack one last family photo, which is framed and sitting on the mantle above the fire place. Maggie moves to pick it up, and behind it, carved into the brick facade, are four words: "Mike Seaver was here"

She smiles, walks back to the front door, does the slow-dramatic-one-last-glance-half-smile-turn-off-the-lights thing, and then you hear the door click shut.

/scene.

Tonight I had to drop off all my keys and garage-door openers back at the now-empty townhouse, because tomorrow the sale closes and the new people take possession. Christene had joked with me before dinner about doing a "sitcom ending" where I do the same slow turn-out-the-lights routine, or perhaps say something sappy, sad or profound as I turn the key for the last time. But I figured I'd probably just lock the door and leave.

But after I put the keys on the kitchen counter, and slowly took one last tour around the place, I suddenly felt a little sad - I honestly didn't think I would. I shoulda known better.

So I did what TV had told me to do years earlier. I took my keys, opened the accordian door to the hall closet, and on the one-inch wide edge of the door, carved a medium-sized 'N'.

I was there.

Christene, of course, was impressed that I'd finally decided to over-dramatize our exit. She carved a 'C' right below it.

"Are you gonna turn the lights out really slow and say something as we go?" she asked.

No, I wasn't. I didn't.

But I did take the welcome mat back, which at one point I figured I'd just leave for the new owners. But I took it. It was my mat, after all, and they weren't getting it.

No, they weren't getting it.

:: You Said It ::

Since the dawning of his blog nearly five years ago (editor's note: Five years, holy shit!) many a post has began with a quote, or series of quotes. Ever since college, basically, I've been remembering and/or writing down all the ridiculous things my friends have said, and there have been a lot of opportunites. (Don't believe me? click on the label marked 'quotes' at the end of this post).

Now, usually I'd publish them as they happened, or damn close, but for the past few months I've been stockpiling them in the notes application on my BlackBerry - I usually forget about them soon after I've typed them, which is why they never make it online.

'Til now, of course. I'm clearing out the archives, so without further blathering from me, here's about 6 months' worth of blathering from you (not in any sort of order, and don't be surprised if there are a couple names you don't know...I'm just that popular.)

Lara: Bruce, you're full of shit.
Bruce (loudly, drunk and in a crowded restaurant): FUCK YOU, I'M FULL OF THE TRUTH BABY!!

"Well now that it's out in the open, who wants to put a dick in my mouth?" - Sean, after Lambie licked his face and somebody suggested he was gay.

"Listen you Egyptian whores, give me some money!!" - my Mom (yes, really), yelling at a Cleopatra-themed slot machine in Vegas after what were probably the only three drinks she had the entire trip.

At T.O. and Carly's wedding at a swanky country club...
Buchs: I feel like Phil Mickelson now.
Me: Why?
Buchs: I just took a dump in an expensive golf course bathroom.

"I forgot how fun life could be!" - Kristyl, drunk on our Kamloops trip.

Dale: All I've had to eat today is an orange slice. One slice of an orange.
Kristyl: How very Tracy Gold of you.

Buchs: Next time I go to a wedding I'm gonna burn a CD for the DJ called "Kyle's acceptable dancing songs."
Me: Oh yeah? What's gonna be on it?
Buchs: Blondie, Dexy's Midnight Runners and Sir Mix-a-Lot.

"Do you really want to get into a gross-out contest with Kyle? That's like getting into a religion trivia contest with the Pope." - me

"I'm like 65.5 percent drunk... Mike, what percent of drunk are you?" - Kristyl, in the 'loops again.

"It might not be raining rain, but it'll be raining bitches!" - Kristyl, sober, on the way to Kamloops. I have no idea the context this was said in (but does it really matter?)

Someone: How's married life?
Christene: Pretty much the same as before, except now we sit on the couch and watch TV with rings on our fingers.

Christene: What ever happened to those gothy, Marilyn Manson kids anyhow?
Me: They killed themselves.

"It's just like Christmas, but without my family... or shame." - Kristyl, having a good trip.

"I fucking hate when people call their boyfriend or girlfriend 'baby', it drives me crazy. Call them anything else - call them Muffinfuck for all care, but 'baby' is what you call a baby, not an adult. You don't fuck a baby! - Ashleigh, on a good rant.

Scott: Jeez, take it easy, when did you start keeping track of every..
Kelsey: Every shitty thing you've ever done to me?
Scott: Yeah, exactly. What're you, the public library?