:: This is what I'm dealing with here, people ::

Last night, driving home from dinner, this is what Christene decided to talk about (completely out of blue, of course).

Christene: You know, I could've totally dominated on American Gladiators.
Me: Uhh... what?
Christene: American Gladiators. The show. I would've dominated. Especially the part when you hit the gladiator with one of those giant Q-tip things. I would've been like (insert whooosh-sounding sound effects and some arm movements)... I would've kicked ass, take that Lace!
Me: Giant Q-tips? You mean the joust?
Christene: Yeah, whatever it's called. I would've won. I'd have been good at that other thing, too, where they strap you in that harness and you jump from the different platforms - what's that, the gauntlet? (editor's note: it's not the gauntlet).
Me: Are you actually saying these words?
Christene: Yeah, why?
Me: You think you would've won on American Gladiators?
Christene: Yes.
Me: Is this the same thing as the time you told me you'd definitely win at beer pong because once your team won Elementary School Sports Day, but then you completely sucked at beer pong?
Christene: Also, when I was about 18 I won two out of three games of laser tag! I lost the first one, but then I came back and killed everyone in the next two.
Me: Seriously, this is what you're bringing to the table? Elementary school sports day and laser tag?
Christene: It's all I have!

:: Presented to you without comment ::

This reminds me of someone.

Enjoy your day, folks.

:: Full Moon Friday ::

Strange day here at the office. 

For starters, for whatever reason, not many people are here today, so it's eerily quiet. The crazy kooks are also out in full force, too. We get a lot of strange, non-sensical emails – often letters – from older folks who are off their meds (seriously) or just plain crazy, and today is no exception... there've been two garden-variety nutso submissions so far, and also one phone call I just overheard. I know the phone call was from a crazy person because my colleague spent the whole conversation politely saying, "uh huh... uh huh... uh huh," followed by "OK, I'm hanging up now... thank you for calling... I'm hanging up... I'm hanging up–" Then click.

All things considered though, this letter from a local high school student was the weirdest thing we came across today. I'm paraphrasing, but here was the gist of it: 

"I have done the physically impossible, and thought you would be interested. I am not double-jointed nor do I have a separated shoulder, but I am able to lick the centre of my own elbow (The outside of it)."

"This is something that cannot be done by anyone, and thought you would like to know."

The letter-writer is right, of course. It is all but impossible to lick the outside of your elbow. Go ahead, try it. (We all did). Impossible.

Just to see what would happen, we emailed back and, in a serious tone, said, "We will need photographic proof of this feat before we consider it newsworthy."

Sure enough, not 10 minutes later we received a camera-phone photo of a teenage high-school girl doing exactly what she said she could do. Of course, this is about the least-newsworthy thing imaginable, so we won't be following up. But the question remains: What in the hell possessed this girl to think this qualified as "news"?

"Must be a full moon tonight," I suggested. "You know, when all the weirdos go crazy."

"Either that," someone else countered. "Or kids have really run out of things to do on Spring Break."

See what happens, school districts? You extend Spring Break by an extra week, and this is what your gifted children spend their time doing. When I was a kid, we had one week off in March and one week only, and never once that I can remember did we ever play the "Let's see what part of my body can touch another part."

Just sayin', is all.

:: Songs stuck in your head ::

As I was sitting here, browsing the Interweb for potential housing purchases (I'm moving - perhaps you've heard), my iTunes, which is on random, started playing some late-'90s Korn song that I didn't even know I had in my playlist.

Anyways, the song itself is pretty forgettable, but I hadn't heard it in ages, and it instantly reminded me of the summer between Grade 12 and college. And it's encouraged me to write a post that I'd been meaning to write for awhile (And actually may have written before, but a quick archive search turned up nothing, so I apologize if this is a repeat).

Through the years, there have been a handful of songs - or collections of songs - that instantly bring up a lot of memories, mostly good. And with that in mind, here they are:

1. Cruisin' Classics
When I was a kid, we took a handful of road trips to California - to go to Disneyland, or to visit my family in Northern California. And we had a handful of tapes (remember them?) for the trip, but the one that got played the most was Cruisin' Classics, which I'm pretty sure was bought at a random gas station one day, for about $3.99. Now, anytime I hear any of the songs from this tape - Rock 'n me by Steve Miller; Don't Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin; Kokomo by the Beach Boys, among others - reminds me of sitting in the back of my parent's Volkswagen van for hours at a time, asking "Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?!"

2. Collective Soul
Anything off Collective Soul's self-titled blue album reminds me of Grade 11 spring break. Chris and my parents had gone out of town somewhere for a hockey tournament, so my parents let my stay home for 4-5 days by myself, along with Jay, who was in the early stages of living with us at the time. We didn't really get up to too much debauchery (because we were nerds), but we did drive around a lot in my dad's Hyundai Sonata, and we left the same Collective Soul CD in the stereo the entire time. And listened to it over and over and over again. So whenever I hear a song off that album, I think of that week - complete with drinking, driving downtown for no reason other than because we could (not while drunk though), playing tennis, and Duke Nukem. Good times.

3. Korn
I already mentioned this off the top, but Korn was still pretty popular when I was in Grade 12. I'd switched schools for my final year of high school, and my new friends were big fans of Korn and metal bands. Whenever I hear, say, Freak on a Leash, for example, all I remember is house parties at my friend Brett's house, which almost always got waay out of hand and would end with cops being called, doors being pulled off the hinges and toilets being shattered. Yes, shattered.

After spending the first 16 years of my life being cripplingly shy, this was the year I finally started coming out of my shell a little bit, mostly because Brett forced me too. He was outgoing, fun, and popular with everybody, and even though I was shy and at a new school, he made a point of dragging me along for the ride, including me in everything, and I always appreciated that.

It was a far cry from Grade 11, where I became something of a pariah because I was too smart, too responsible, not cool enough, etc.. (You know how high school works). I don't see anybody from Grade 12 anymore - not Brett either, because he kind of went sideways after high school, but these are the memories I'm left with.

4. Thunderstruck, AC/DC
Anybody who ever played minor hockey will likely have this song stuck in their head for eternity. It was always the default "hockey warm-up song" during the 5-minute pre-game warmup, and was a go-to song at pretty much every tournament you'd ever go to. It was also the "theme song" of the Langley Thunder, back before they were the Hornets and then, finally, the Chiefs. And when I was 12 or 13, I went to a lot of junior hockey games.

5. Apologize, by Timbaland/One Republic
Not a great song, by any means, but it's a more recent memory. Last spring, when Chris, Jenna, TO, Carly and I went to Las Vegas, this song played in the Monte Carlo casino - where we stayed - over and over again for four days. Now, whenever I hear it, I think of sitting in that casino, in front of a slot machine or video roulette table, drinking my face off, and losing money. So no matter that this song isn't that great, and is definitely not my style, it has grown on me because of what it reminds me of.

6. The Distance, by Cake
The first time I heard this song was when my cousin Brian came to stay with us for a week from his home in California. He was up here for a hockey scouting showcase that Chris was also in, so Brian and a couple of his hockey buddies - Marcus and Beltzy (real name also Brian) - stayed at our house, and they had a Cake CD. I'd never heard of them before, and now they are one of my favourite bands. We had a really great week, and even though I keep in touch with Brian on Facebook, the other two guys have sort of fallen off the radar, which kinda bums me out, because they were great dudes.

7. Any weird punk cover of a previously lame song
Mike likes punk music, and he especially likes really weird music. When I lived in Kamloops, he made me a CD with a ton of weird cover songs by bands I'd never really heard of - like Ghoti Hook, Black Train Jack, MxPx. They covered songs from Celine Dion, Paul Simon, and a bunch of '50s tunes. I still have the CD on my shelf, and the songs are all in my iTunes library (Even the bad quality ones, which suck), so whenever one comes on randomly, I think of driving aimlessly around Kamloops with Mike and Shaun, eating Arby's and stealing garden gnomes.

Feel free to add your own songs/memories in the comments.

:: Random things I thought you should know ::

I don't have much in the way of a topic for today, but rather a collection of snippets for your enjoyment – including a couple quotes.

At The Keg, when I left excess crab bits in a few of the claws...

Christene: I'm so disappointed in you.

Me: Yeah, get used to saying that.

Christene: Your hands are really soft today.

Me: They aren't soft – they're very tough and masculine!

Christene: Oh, well I meant the tough kind of soft... like shaking hands with an axe.

At breakfast on Saturday, Kristyl asked me what our plans for the rest of the day were. I said we had nothing to do. Then Kristyl decided to be helpful:

Kristyl: What do you crazy kids have planned for tonight?

Me: Nothing.

Kristyl: Oh, well you should go and have some big seafood feast for dinner.

Me: Nah, don't feel like it.

Kristyl: You could go to the Richmond Night Market. We should all do that one day.

Me: No, that sounds terrible. I don't want to spent one half of my weekend nights at some crappy market buying shit from Japan and eating noodles.

Kristyl: Well, you could go buy a 40 of rum and go to a foam party!

Me: OK, you aren't really helping anymore.

Now, I have a complaint (I'm sure you're all shocked).

For starters, in town this week, there was a Greenpeace protest of a local grocery store. They were protesting against its seafood-buying practices or some such nonsense - the reason doesn't really matter.

What matters to me is how they were going about their business. Yes, they were well-behaved and polite, and didn't cause any great scene (which makes for a pretty shitty protestor, if you ask me), but what bugs me most is the way that they looked. Three or four of them were dressed up in huge, gaudy, bright tropical fish mascot suits, complete with cartoony eyes.

They looked campy and ridiculous, and I, for one, would not take them seriously in the least if I had come across them that day. I mean, in addition to the fact that they carried no big signs to explain what the fuck they were there for, they basically looked they were a promoting Finding Nemo 2: Gill's Revenge.

I don't know if the cartoon eyes on the suits were supposed to make the fish look cute, thereby convincing people not to eat them, but it failed. I mean, had they been wearing cute puppy costumes, I probably could be sold on the idea of not eating puppies, but it's a god damn fish.

And everybody knows fish don't have feelings.

C'mon, Greenpeace, you're supposed to be the experts at this shit.

:: Not much, not much at all ::

I don't have much for you guys today, because what limited ranting ability I could muster this afternoon was spent writing a piece for my actual job, for which I get paid and therefore takes priority. Sorry.

However, I do present to you a handful of things that have crossed my mind over the last couple days. So, in no particular order...

1) I really hate man-purses. (This may or may not have been the focus of my earlier column writing).

2) Why are Nintendo's video game icons referred to as the "Super Mario Bros."? I'm not disputing that they are, in fact, brothers, but only one of them is named Mario. Shouldn't they be called the Super Lastname Bros. instead? And, speaking of which, how come they don't have last names?

3) Does anybody actually live in Tsawwassen? And if so, where are their homes? I drove out to the ferry terminal late last night to pick up a friend, and while I saw enough vehicles to suggest the area is habitated, I saw little else to support this claim.

I drove down Ladner Trunk Road, and saw dark, farm fields and one old Ford Tempo, left abandoned at the side of the road. Then I turned onto the four-lane Hwy 17, which is essentially one long, straight journey to a dead end (the dead end being the ferry terminal), and all I saw were the lights of Robert's Bank; plenty of billboards for the Rick Mercer Report (Tuesdays at 8 p.m. in case you were curious); and a odd scene at the side of the road in which three old trucks were parked at odd angles, and a handful of men were circled around a small bonfire. I just assumed they were burning the contents of their meth lab, but I didn't stick around to get a definitive answer.

But my point is, I didn't see much. It had been a long time since I'd made that drive, and it was very, very eery.

4) For those of you who work in an office setting, I dare any of you to be on a speaker-phone conference call with numerous other colleagues and not burst out laughing when one of your IT people, when discussing your company website's online presence and statistics, makes reference to "viral penetration." It just cannot be done. It was the best That's What She Said moment ever in this office's history (And God knows there have been thousands of opportunities).

Have a good weekend, folks. Happy Valentine-ing. Don't eat too many of those delicious, delicious cinnamon hearts. And try not to get an STD either (Which is good advice anytime, not just on Cupid's Big Day).