:: Two very different methods* (with footnotes!) ::

I got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas, along with a couple games and two controllers. Now, due to my busy, busy schedule, which is full of charity events, bottle drives for the blind, and volunteering at soup kitchens**, I have not played it as much as I would have liked.

Therefore, considering Christmas was only four months ago and also considering the system and its parts have not been overused, one would expect all parts to continue to operate in an acceptable working manner. However, as Christene and I discovered last week when trying to play Price is Right***, this is not the case with one of my controllers, which is apparently broken. We tried swapping out the batteries, re-synching it, but nothing worked.

I happened to mention this a few days later while talking with my mom, who said that she probably had the reciept still, from the department store she bought the Wii from. Even though I figured that, four months later, there would be no exchange or refund, I told my mom that some day soon I'd swing by and grab the reciept and see if I could get it exchanged for a new one.

But my mom knows me too well, and quickly ki-boshed my idea.

"Why don't I just come get the controller one day, and then the next day I'm at the mall, I'll take it and try and exchange it?" she suggested.

Never before have I been one to pass up an opportunity in which somebody will do something so that I don't have to, I agreed to this new plan.

Other than the fact that my mom is just a nice person, the following hypothetical**** example is the reason why she suggested her plan as an alternative to mine:

What would happen if I took the controller back...
Me: Hi, this controller is broken, so I'd like to exchange it. Here is the receipt.
Employee: Sure, how long ago did you purchase it?
Me: Just before Christmas.
Employee: Oh, I'm sorry, our return police is only 15 days.
Me: 15 days? That's it?! You've gotta be fucking kidding me. That's fucking pathetic.
Employee: Sir, I don't appreciate your tone. Would you like to speak to the manager?
Me: Tell your fucking manager he can eat my ass, douchebag! And fuck you and your god damn store.
Employee: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Then I'd probably knock over an entire display of glassware or perfume on the way out the door.

Conversely, this is how my mom handled the situation...
Mom: This controller is broken, so I'd like to exchange it. Here is the reciept.
Employee: Sure, how long ago did you purchase it?
Mom: In December.
Employee: Oh, I'm sorry, our return police is only 15 days.
Mom: Only 15 days? That's terrible. Can I please talk to the manager?
Employee: Sure, no problem.
Manager: I'm sorry, our return policy is only 15 days.
Mom: So you're telling me that if I came into your store and spent $500 on something, and then 16 days later it broke, you wouldn't replace it? That's not right - you should stand behind the products you sell. I'd like a new controller, please.
Manager: OK, you're right. I'll get you a new one. Sorry for the problem.
Manager (after a few minutes): I'm sorry, but it turns out we don't actually have any individual controllers left in stock. We only have ones that come with Wii Play.
Mom: Okay....
Manager: Here, you can just take this one. Enjoy the game.

Then, 10 minutes later, my mom calls me and tells me the story. She ends with this, before saying goodbye...

"That's why it pays to be nice, Nick, instead of being a jerk to people."

Point taken.


*one of which is successful; the other, definitely not.
**schedule actually filled with Internet porn, watching King of Queens reruns and eating nachos.
***Awesome.
****hypothetical but pretty fucking accurate.

:: Early morning revelation ::

"I'm bored. The day is actually quite long when you actually get up a decent hour and don't have anything to do." - Chris, who faced his day off bright and early, at 8:45 a.m.

:: Proud Moment ::

Me: Kristyl's having a rough morning. In the last few minutes, (somebody) tried to joke with her, and she blurted out, "Today is not the day!" and then after that, she said, pretty loudly, "Why do I even work here?!"

Christene: So, she's basically turned into you.

Me: Yeah, I guess she has. It's a proud day for me.

:: Hi, I'm Troy McClure... ::

... you may remember me from "Almost a Month Ago" and "That time that Nick had a frequently updated website."

So, I'm finally back and able to write. However, it's been three weeks since we went to Arizona and Las Vegas (even if it doesn't seem that long ago), so here's why it's taken me so long to post anything: I almost died.

It hit me on our second-to-last-night in Vegas. We'd spent the entire damn day walking about. It was about 10:30 at night when we got back to our hotel, and my legs were extremely sore. I decided to take a short breather, and head up to my room to change and relax for a couple minutes. So up the elevator I went, and almost as soon as I got to my room, I suddenly got the shakes. I'm not unfamiliar with this condition - for me, it's a sign that I'm getting sick; I used to get them when I was overtired, overstressed and overworked at the end of every semester of university.

But I did not want to get them in Vegas. Regardless, it basically ended my night at 11:30 - I made a brief attempt to pull myself together and go back to the casino floor, but I couldn't handle it. The second night was slightly better - especially considering I won a couple hundred bucks - but I still knew something bad was going to happen.

It did, when I got home. The first night, I got home from the airport at midnight, and slept fine, but after that, whatever was wrong with me - flu, plus dehydration - killed me, and I did not sleep for five straight nights. Then, I had a couple decent days, and then the second wave hit me: throat infection, ear infection, and tonsilitis.

I've been on so much medication lately that it's actually making my stomach hurt. It's the sickest I've ever been in my life, and it's just today, three weeks later, that I'm finally beginning to feel human again. Not the way I wanted to spend my birthday weekend, I'll tell you that much. I also had to take two sick days - the first sick days I've taken in nearly five years - and I don't know if that really sat well with people, but there was nothing I could do. Besides, it was two days in five years, I don't think it was too much to ask.

Regardless, I'm on the mend - sort of. Somewhere in all this mess, I've also bought a truck that I don't quite have yet, watched my washer and dryer crap out on me, requiring replacements (Yay, more debt!), and taken about 400 naps.

As for the Vegas/Arizona trip itself, it was awesome, minus the getting sick. (And also minus Carly brilliantly leaving her wallet in an A&W bathroom in Sun City, Arizona, full of all her ID, credit cards and $600). Somebody at the restaurant found her wallet - still with everything in it - and she got it FedEx'd to our hotel in Vegas, so it worked out fine in the end, but wow, was that a tense rest stop at the Wikieup Trading Post in middle-of-fucking-nowhere Wikieup, Ariz.

Phoenix was rad - we saw two Mariners games, Chris almost got sucked into a Hawaiian time share just because he wanted to enter a contest where you guessed how many baseballs were in the case ("Listen lady, I really just wanted to guess the baseballs. I'm not interested in any of this.")

We also went rattlesnake hunting (didnt find any), ate a giant freaking cheeseburger at an unlikely spot, and drank a lot of beer while playing Trivial Pursuit outside in the backyard.

Vegas was, well, Vegas. Pretty awesome - especially because of the five of us, I was the only one who had been there. And it's always cool to see people's reaction when they first hit the Strip. (Chris: "This place is surreal. Everything is fucking massive, and people are just walking around with booze!)

In the end, nobody lost too much money - I basically broke even gambling thanks to my two slot-machine wins on the last night. Most of my money was spent on beer, food, tipping, and stuff like the car rental, parking at the airport, etc... Jenna also had some good slot machine luck - she won $92 bucks on the first machine she played all week, and won about the same on the very last machine she played before we left for the airport.

Also, we saw a douchebag get kicked out of our hotel casino because he insisted he bet on red playing video roulette, but obviously is an idiot and did no such thing. So he caused a scene. It was the highlight of the day - just awesome.

And now, for some old and new quotes:

On awesome weddings...
Jenna: I'm very bitter about Welcome to the Jungle.
Me: Why?
Chris: Because I said one day when I get married I want that song playing when the wedding party walks into the reception.
Me: That's rad!
Chris: I know. It'll play right after Jeremy throws out the first pitch.

"If this was 200 years ago, all those kids would be dead by now." - Scotty, after Katie told him she wasn't allowed to fail students or dock them marks for handing in work late. (editor's note: Scott's right. This system is a joke. Fucking coddled kids get nowhere. Toughen up you pussies)

"She had purple hair. Not bad purple hair, but.... bad purple hair." - Chris, talking about this chick Shannon whom he used to know many moons ago.

"TO is like a kid in a... candy store." - Me, watching TO go nuts at the M&M Store in Vegas.

Chris, acting as Captain Science during our road trip through the Arizona desert....
Chris: See the lines between those rock layers over there? Those are called striations.
TO: Oh yeah? Well do you know what the rings on trees are called?
Chris: No, what?
TO: Birthdays!

"I've never seen so many stupid people in one place." - Chris, after watching the Canucks/Coyotes game from the upper deck with the Coyotes' educated fans. (example: "What's that plastic all around the ice? Does it ever fall down?"

"Jenna, what do your boobs look like when they're just out there? They aren't like a sock with a bunch of rocks in it, are they?" - TO, classy as ever.

"I once dated a girl who lived way out here. She was really nice, but I had to break up with her because she was geographically undesirable. I mean, 50 miles each way!" - TO's Uncle Brad, who picked us up from the airport, which was not in any way close to North Phoenix. Apparently that city is really spread out.

"Hey look - liquor and wine! That's what I do to Carly!" - TO.

Me: If I get a dog, I'm gonna name it Chaser too. That's a rad name.
Chris: Really? He doesn't even bring the stick back.
Me: His name is Chaser. Not Bring-it-back-er.

And then one more story from Brad, who works as a game-day medic for the Coyotes. One day he was at the rink, and he was showing the training staff this new blood glucose tester that he had. It was the kind where you get a pin prick in the finger and it automatically reads your blood glucose level. According to Brad, any reading between 80-120 is good. As he was showing the trainer, Wayne Gretzky walked past.

"Hey, why don't you try that out on me?" the Wayner offered.

So Brad turned it on, and tested Wayne's blood glucose level on the spot. The reading on the little digital screen?

99.

Of course it was. It's in his blood.