2008: A Good Start, or something like it
Close your eyes.
Now, I want you to imagine 12 people shoehorned tightly into a two-room ski condo in Whistler. There are clothes, booze, and food strewn about. Some people have been up since 8 a.m. Others have been up since 8:03, when the people (person) who awoke at 8 started making a lot of uneccessary fucking noise.
Imagine still that at least a few of these people in the two-room house have volatile tempers, especially while drinking. Now, imagine these people beginning to drink at 4 p.m.
Imagine now that it's 11:58 p.m.
On the small TV in the corner of the room, Carson Daly is counting down the minutes to midnight, while thousands of New York City revellers yell and scream like idiots in the background. In the kitchen, visualize Sean and Ian yelling and screaming like idiots, because Ian grabbed Rachel's ass. Imagine Sean yelling some more.
Then picture drunken Ian making things worse: "If I'd known you were gonna get this mad about it, I'd have grabbed her cooch."
Keep your eyes closed. Now visualize Sean charging Ian, grabbing his collar, and throwing him up against the fridge. Queue shock and laughter from most in the rest of the room. Queue tears and yelling from the two girlfriends.
See Carson's countdown hit 11:59.
Now, in the final 60 seconds, I want you to picture the following things:
Ian and Sean screaming at each other in the hallway.
Brad falling down between the couch and the kitchen island for the second time that evening (conservative estimate).
Rachel trying to break up Sean and Ian's fight.
Bre trying her best to hold back the booze-induced tears, and then apologizing for crying in the first place.
Derrick's beard.
The veneer on Jenna's front tooth breaking off.
A half-finished game of Memory, sitting on the counter.
Kelsey's nose beginning to unexplainably bleed.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is how we rang in 2008 - with a little extra Kung Pao! than usual.
Happy Fucking New Year. (Surprisingly enough, however, it was a fantastic trip. Go figure.)
And now, for some quotes:
Derrick, shitfaced: I'm going nowhere but up!
Scotty: At best, sideways would be good.
Chris: Hey Sean, wanna play memory?
Sean: I honestly don't know how.
Chris: Are you serious?
Sean: You've got to remember, I had no friends as a kid. I had one friend - myself - and I played masturbation.
"The reason nobody is doing it right is because nobody is doing it right." - Scott
"What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots." - Scott
Derrick: I'd take it in the ass for $50,000.
Sean: I'd do it for a million.
Rachel: Only a million?!
Sean: That's 2 million Euros, Rachel!!
Sean, lowering his price....
"I'd let David Bowie have a go at me for free."
"A penis is shaped like a cock." - Derrick
Chris: Molson Dry is fucking terrible.
Ian: Oh yeah? Well you should hear what it's been saying about you!
Then, a few new post-New Year's ones...
"Don't you hate when you sit on an old couch, and the old farts jump out of it and punch you right in the face?" - Bucholtz, asking one of life's eternal questions.
"A slow cooker is like having a wife - you come home from work, and dinner's already made!" - Kristyl, a girl I work with. (Yes, a girl said this. Not Bucholtz. Not Jeremy. A girl.)
No comments:
Post a Comment