Funtastic Quotes

It's been a long time since I've done a quotes post – or a post of any sort, really – and since I have a few stockpiled from Funtastic earlier this month, I figured I'd write 'em up.

Enjoy. (Or be disgusted and confused. Either way)

"Mini corns are the silent killer of the mini snack world." - Bucholtz

"Seriously, mini corns are like Antonio Banderas – they sneak up on you and BOOM! You're dead." - Bucholtz again, on a mini-corn rant.

"I should charge chicks money because my boys can swim so well." - Davy, father of 100 children. (OK, four kids, but still).

"Well I can walk, so I'm better than turtles." - Bucholtz.

"Pine cones are pretty much just tree turds, right?" - Christene

"Sometimes it just doesn't stop – it's like clay. What am I doin', fingerpainting down there? - Sean, being a little too descriptive when discussing the amount of wipes it sometimes takes him to, well, clean up.

"Get off my fucking back - I'm just moving my balls around!" - TO, caught adjusting.

:: Tough Day ::

"Everybody is no-showing. Is there a white-trash convention today that I don't know about? Or a monster truck rally?" - Christene, complaining of missed appointments by her dental office's decidedly low-budget clientele.

:: Weather for Winning ::

It is cold and overcast today - very un-June like, and I just had this conversation with my brother.

Chris: This is good weather for a Canucks' win.

Me: I don't know what the weather has to do with anything, but I'll agree with you.

Chris: I just figured it'll be a cold day in Hell before the Canucks win the Stanley Cup, and it's pretty cold out.

Me: Good point.

Chris: Yeah, the Canucks aren't going to win on a sunny day. That just would never happen.

:: Quotes ::

"I looked at his passport and his name was just a bunch of upside-down 7s and a smiley face." - Christene, trying to book an appointment for a new patient who did not speak English.

"Hey bitch, buy me a Bentley!" - Bucholtz, on what he'd say to try in an attempt to pick up Emma Watson.

"Kyle, don't say 'Big fucking dick' in front of children.... Kyle! Don't say 'Tranny with a big, fucking dick' in front of children, either." - Jeremy, thinking of the children.

"You aren't allowed to bring a date to your Christmas party because I know what happens when you bring a date to your Christmas party." - Christene, who had to miss my work Christmas party this year but, once upon a time, was a Christmas party date herself.

:: Chris on Christmas ::

"You ever filled a stocking before? It feels like I just spent about $120 on absolutely nothing. I wish I was marrying a Jew." - text message I received today from my brother.

"Sweet Fucking Jesus!"

When you get this type of reaction from your girlfriend upon letting loose a hellacious fart, you know you've done a good job.

:: Disneyland, passports, quotes ::

So we are back from our week in California, and needless to say, it was pretty awesome. Weather was nice and warm - too hot on some days, actually - and the lines at Disneyland weren't too bad, for the most part. It was one of our best vacations yet, even with a few bumps in the road.

Well, one bump, really - I lost my passport about one hour after landing in Los Angeles. I won't go into all my complaints about that - about the piss poor customer service from everyone from multiple people at the airline to the airport to the lost and found people... because I don't want to make it sound like I was miserable the whole week. Truthfully, I was only miserable for about one day, and for me, that's not bad.

In the end, I made it home without a passport somehow and that's the important thing. (sidenote: So much for that upgraded security, US and Canadian border services people. Nobody even asked me about my lack of a passport)

Anyways, here are some quotes (some old), anecdotes and other things from the past 2-3 weeks.

At the Fox n Fiddle, Chris is quietly trying to point out something to Ian (they were making fun of some random person, I think)
Sean: WHO WE LOOKING AT?!!!!!!!!

"Organic baby toys? Only the French would think of something like that. Babies these days are gonna be so weak - give 'em some nails to chew on." - Bucholtz, future father of the year.

"It's like Bluetooth for my nuts!" - Sean, during a round of golf, defending his way of peeing, which includes pulling his balls right out of his shorts, too. (Because the stability allows him to go hands free).

While discussing an infamous New Year's part years ago at Sean's dad's house...
"I've been trying to forget that night for seven years.... come to think of it, two days later wasn't so great either." - Chris

"It was dark, I was drunk, and I stuck my finger down her pants." - Sean, defending his actions during that same NYE party.

"I don't need to be reminded to laugh. I make fun of stuff every day." - Christene, on why she hates laugh tracks on TV shows.

"You bought camping groceries? What the hell for? All you need is a bag of salt, a box of beef jerky and beer. Either that, or a big box of Kentucky Fried Chicken." - Mo (Christene's dad) on camping necessities.

"I've been doing this thing now where I think before I say things." - Christene

"People like different things. You know, Nick likes sports and folding his laundry, and I don't like those things." - Christene, on differences.

Oh, and feel free to ask Christene about her initial reaction to Disneyland, upon walking through the gates for the very first time. (hint: she almost started crying, she was so overwhelmed). She hates it when I bring it up, but then again, she posted this so fair is fair.

:: Open bars are dangerous, dangerous things ::

For those of you who weren't there, either because a) you live far away, b) you apparently had better things to do, or c) weren't invited because you are a random reader of this blog and don't actually know me (Hi, random person! Thanks for stopping by) I am going to recount, quickly, the mayhem that was Derrick and Angela's wedding on Saturday night.

The reception, for starters, was an open bar. This meant, unlike most gatherings among our friends where maybe a few people get drunk, others don't, some people don't show up, etc..., this one consisted of everyone but the two pregnant women getting on-their-face smashed. Just obliterated.

To recap:

- Kyle made fun of a guy who was wearing both suspenders and a belt. Guy got angry with Kyle. Kyle told him he was going to throw him down some stairs. Derrick makes Kyle apologize. Apology consists of "Yeah, I'm sorry man, but still, you're lucky I don't chuck you don't the stairs." Nice.

- Jeremy drinks approximately 13 bottles of red wine.

- Jenna and Kyle crash the (lame looking) wedding next door, just to dance. Jenna is approached by a bridesmaid who says, "Get out. The bridge doesn't want you here." Jenna calls her a bitch and invites her over to our fun wedding.

- At very end of night, Tara catches aforementioned bitchy bridesmaid trying to take advantage of our open bar. Bridesmaid is promptly given the boot.

- Jeremy temporarily passes out outside at a patio table.

- Chris, shitfaced, tells Jeremy and Katie - who were leaving and found Chris in the parking lot - that he's just gonna lie down for a second. Proceeds to lie down in a parking stall for a quick nap.

- Because Christene was too reluctant to dance with Kyle - or anybody at the time - Kyle decides to just dance on her, lapdance style.

- On the way home, at McDonald's drive-thru, Jeremy refuses to give Kate his wallet (Katie had no bank card) because that's "his money!" Despite repeated angry efforts, Kate is forced to pay for $8 of McDonalds with her Visa.

- After midnight, Jeremy discovers more red wine on our table. This conversation then ensues:

Me: Hey man, you sure you wanna more of that? I mean, you're already hammered. You're gonna be so hungover tomorrow.
Jeremy: Who cares?! Tomorrow's tomorrow, Nick - LIVE IN THE NOW!!!!!

- The next morning, I asked Jer if he wanted to meet us for breakfast/lunch. He'd already went for breakfast much earlier. "What in the hell were you doing up so early?" I asked him.

"Living, Nick. I was living."

That is my favourite quote of the whole thing.

Oh, and Jenna puked at Ricky's the next morning.

:: Quotes ::

In the absence of a real post, I figured I'd slack off this holiday weekend by just posting a couple quotes I've had kicking around in my Blackberry for the last week or two.

"He's so skinny he's only got two dimensions." - Christene's dad, Mo, talking about one of our fellow golfers last weekend out in Chilliwack.

"It's like a douche bomb exploded in here." - Christene, at the Cloverdale Rodeo Saloon last night. She was 100 percent accurate.

During a Canucks playoff game a few weeks ago. Christene's mom, not a hockey fan, was sick of seeing hockey on the TV every minute of every day.
Mo: Hey, you've always got a choice.
Rochelle: No I don't! It's on the TV all the time!
Mo: Well, your choices are to sit there and like it, or sit there and not like it.

:: Quotes ::

It's been a long time since a quotes-only post, so consider this catching up....

"I want to go to a pirate-themed seafood restaurant. You never see those anymore – that's what's wrong with the world." - Christene, pinpointing the real ills of society.

After Ian came to Davy and Colleen's Saturday with a girl everybody knew in high school...

Chris: Remember that time, in Grade 10, there was that party at her parents' house and that little bottle of booze went missing and there was that great big thing about what happened to it and who stole it and all that?

Ian: Yeah?

Chris: Turns out I drank it.

"It's times like this I wish I had a catheter in, so I wouldn't have to get up." - Christene, not wanting to get up off the couch to pee.

"I feel smarter when Sean's around." - Bucholtz

"I just want to make out with people. Preferably foreign." - Meghan, on her goal for the evening during our journey downtown one day during the Olympics.

Tara: If you could change two things about about yourself, what would they be, and why?

Jer: I'd get a new wife, how about that? A wife-ectomy, if you will.

:: Christene waits for her car to be fixed ::

Christene had about 45 minutes to kill the other day, while she waiting not-so-patiently for the Dodge dealership to be done with the quick-fix of her car's mirror. She was bored.

The following are messages I received in about a 45-second span.

"I wish a giant* would come along and write me one of those big cheques and pay for the car to be fixed."

"All the salesmen here are slimy douchebags."

"Seriously, I don't like them. If I had to work here, I'd drive one of the cars through the big glass windows."

"You know... just like the monster truck in Roadhouse."

Then, mercifully, a 10 second break...

Christene: The fixing guy just walked past me and told me that my car is almost done."

Me: The fixing guy? You mean the mechanic?

Christene: I suppose you could call him that.

The lesson here? Don't let your girlfriend break her car's side mirror. And if she does, maybe turn off your phone while she gets it fixed.

*full disclosure: Christene and I have an inside joke about giants. Usually she wishes "a giant would come along" because she wants to be picked up by said giant and moved to wherever it is she is too lazy to go.

:: Track records and over-reacting ::

"When you said you were coming over, I thought we were going to have to clean out the basement again." - Christene's mom, when Christene went home for dinner one night this week, without me, because I had a prior commitment.

I guess this sort of thing has happened before.

:: On labels and living arrangements ::

"Does it count as common-law if I'm still married to somebody else?" - Christene, wondering aloud about our living arrangement.

:: We can't do this anymore ::

"I'm like a cannon - built for one shot." - Scott, during a discussion on the difficulty of having sex multiple times in a short period of time.

There was a time - a few years ago now - when getting drunk on both a Friday and a Saturday was not just an amazing, death-defying feat. In fact, it was quite normal. Pick up a case of beer on Friday after work, drink it at somebody's house, maybe go to Shark Club, drink some more. Pass out.

Wake up Saturday, hangover breakfast at Ricky's, then get ready for Saturday. Rinse. Repeat.

This is how it once was. It's not exactly like that anymore. Of course, even back in our halcyon days of alcohol abuse, there would often be one casualty from the night before - one person who went way too hard, and whose hangover was always a bit over the top, compared to the rest.

But this was a minor problem. Hey, sometimes people have to be sacrificed for the greater good, and since most of us survived any given night, we were all OK with it. Sure, you knew that sooner or later your turn would come, but that was seen as a cost of doing business.

But on Saturday night, well, I think Saturday night - Kyle's surprise birthday party - may well have been the tipping point.

There were no survivors.

We started drinking at 6 p.m., which should have perhaps been the first warning sign - it was a little early, and we continued on into the wee hours of the morning (except for Christene and I, we left at 12:30 because we're old). But upon waking up Sunday and surveying the battlefield, there was some pretty serious carnage:

I woke up at 6:30 to the sound of Christene puking. I woke up again about an hour later to this very same sound.

When I eventually crawled out of bed at 10, I felt as bad as I've felt in weeks. I still have the remnants of a headache, and it's Monday morning.

Kelsey and Scott slept the next day until 2:30 p.m., then Kels was up just long enough to yak twice, before heading back to bed at 3:30.

Was Sean hungover? His response on Facebook: "Oh God yes."

And then there was Chris, who arrived home at 5:30 a.m. sans Jenna (who obviously didn't want to stay up that late) and woke up three-and-half hours late for work with blood all over his face. Asked how he came to acquire such injuries, his response was this: "Well, that's the question. I don't have a clue."

And let's not forget our good friend Bobby, who didn't even drink Saturday night because doctor's orders prohibit him from doing anymore damage to his liver. Seriously.

And I haven't actually seen or heard from Ian, Jeremy or even the Birthday Boy himself. Maybe they didn't make it.

God save us all on New Year's Eve.

:: A difference of opinion ::

"I just don't like my chicken wings with a side of tits." - Christene, on why she hates Sammy J. Peppers, and refuses to go there.

:: Batting stats and flamethrowers ::

"This is great. I'm batting one-hundred here." - random woman at Superstore tonight.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that batting .100 is actually piss poor ("Gregg Zaun," according to Chris) and that she probably meant "batting one-thousand." Instead, I simply took small satisfaction that, in this instance, I was much smarter than her and carried on with my shopping.

Also, tonight I was sorting through my list of blog posts (700 and counting!) and found about 8 drafts - basically, posts on a variety of subjects that were in some form of completion, from paragraph upon paragraph to simply a half sentence or a title. One of them was even from 2005.

None of them were publishable, but I did find one quote from Meghan from 2007 (I think) that I thought I would salvage and publish here, considering we are smack in the middle of holiday mayhem. Maybe it did get printed in another post, but maybe not. Either way, it seems fitting.

"Christmas shopping would be far more acceptable if I was allowed to fight through the crowds with a flamethrower and had a constant IV hookup of Ativan. Or Moonshine."

I whole-heartedly concur. (I really could've used that flamethrower last weekend at Best Buy when I watched from about 60 yards away as some middle-aged assbag decided to launch his empty shopping cart randomly through the parking lot. Of course it smashed into the back of my parked truck. Of course I yelled the shit out of him. Nothing more came of it because he ran away. Probably for the best.)

:: Welcome to the Future ::

"What's PVR? I've never even heard of that." - co-worker, with compete seriousness.

I can understand not being that up on technology, and I can certainly understand if someone is not exactly sure how a PVR works, and if you don't want one, that's cool too. But to have never even heard of it, even in passing? You've really got to go out of your way to avoid technology, pop culture, the news – you've really got to ignore life – to have not even heard of this product.

:: Yeah, I'd eat that* ::

"I had a dream last night that Kristyl and I were making sandwiches, but instead of bread, we used cheesecake." - Christene.

*editor's note: That's what she said.

:: I'm thankful for hot wings, high-def TV and cheap flights to Vegas ::

Since it's Thanksgiving here in Canada (which means the official end of our prolonged summer... it was 2 degrees at 9 a.m. today), and everyone and their blog seems to be posting about what they're thankful for, I figured I'd follow suit with a holiday-themed post.

This was the first year in...well, ever, that I was prepared for the dual-holiday feasts - the usual one at my parents' house, and also this year, at Christene's (which is tonight...my third in a row). However, in addition to the second dinner, it was also decided this year to have a "Friends-style" Thanksgiving on Saturday. About 15 of us were there for dinner (minus those at work - Chris, Ian and Sean) and while there was no football game in a random New York park, and nobody tried to put the turkey on their head, it was still quite a night.

We ate too much, drank waaaay too much (I drank about 16 beers and Jeremy drank three bottles of wine, just for a couple examples), and it all culminated with Kyle passing out before we even ate pumpkin pie (he was loaded when he showed up), rousing games of flippy cup and Guesstures, and me getting a mysterious cut over my eye that nearly required a stitch. In fact, I've been woozy for the last day and a half, so a mild concussion isn't out of the question...how I incurred this injury is still beyond me.

Anyways, here is the Turkey-Day recap in quote form, leading with T.O.'s heartfelt, touching, Thanksgiving toast....

"I'd just like to say that I'm thankful for good friends, for our health... and for Budweiser finally coming out with 8-packs, and 20-packs too. So thanks to Katie and Jeremy for having us all here tonight, together...Go Cannons!" - T.O.

And now for the rest:

"This song just makes me want to get on a plane and fly to Colombia... who wants to do some drugs?!" - T.O., who liked a particular song which I now forget.

"This song makes me want to do drugs too... so I can kill myself." - T.O. again, not liking the next song, obviously.

Buchs: I'm way better than Terry Fox.
Jeremy: What?! What are you going to do in your life that is even half as good as what Terry Fox did?
Buchs: Live past 23. (editor's note: awesome)

Dan: My babysitter let me touch her boob once.
Somebody: What? How'd that happen?
Dan: I just asked.

When Buchs showed up loaded...
Me: What the hell were you doing all day, drinking by yourself?
Buchs: I think it's pretty obvious that I was.

After Kyle passed out before dessert...
Me: Shotgun on Kyle's pie!
Jer: Hey dude, that's my sister!

"Alright, pants-off dance-off!" - T.O. enters the room.

:: Dancing, free stuff and the Single Life ::

Just a few quotes to get you through your day...

"The woman with the peg leg got to dance more than I did!!" - Christene's mom, who was unhappy with Christene's dad for not dancing with her at a a recent wedding they attended.

"I won't stop until all the computer are mine!" - Christene, menacingly, after winning another computer in an office raffle draw. (Every few months when the company gets new computers, they raffle the old ones off. She won one earlier this summer, too.)

"I'm so bored all the time now, during the week. I mean, yesterday I actually called Jeremy just to talk." - Ian, living the single life to the fullest.