:: Deconstructing an apology ::

Last fall, when the whole Tiger Woods brouhaha erupted, I wrote that contrary to popular belief, the world of athletics – the whole world, some even said – was not crumbling into a pile of porn stars and crumpled Cadillac bumpers. In fact, all that happened was yet another athlete in a long line of them screwed up away from the field/course/rink/park, and lo' and behold, lost some fans, respect, etc.

Basically, I didn't agree with so many who decreed that sports was suddenly not good anymore, now that the Golden Boy had fallen from his perch.

And today, in case you haven't heard, Tiger spoke publicly for the first time since the shit hit the fan. And shortly after his 15 minute-speech - which was not followed by a Q&A session – the pundits came from all corners, critiquing his words, his actions, whether or not he should have cried, and oh, by the way, why wasn't his wife there? And what does that mean, exactly?

If you saw or heard it, you know how it went. He apologized many times, to many different people. Said he'd return to golf but he didn't know when, railed against the paparazzi angrily and told them to leave his family alone. And he said he did what he did because he was rich, famous, and felt – foolishly, wrongly he admitted – that he was successful and thus entitled to enjoy the fruits of his fame.

Post-apology, you had those expected parties – Tiger's "friends" – who jumped quickly to his defence, saying that he truly appeared sorry, he's learned his lesson, that it's a remarkable thing he's done to come clean; I even read online that some media outlet (I can't find the link now) called it one of the most remarkable, important sports apologies of all time, or some BS.

These came from the expected sources – the Golf channels, the few reporters and media groups handpicked by Camp Tiger because his handlers knew they wouldn't cause trouble or make waves... all the media people who "need" Tiger. Tiger's people knew they'd play nice, write nice things, etc..., because they need a continued good relationship with Eldrick to be able to function (apparently). This, of course, turns it from a press conference into an infomercial

And then, of course, are the naysayers. Those who demanded a "different" Tiger – ie: a non-robotic one, with emotions. Those who wanted tears. Those who complained about the lack of access to all but Tiger's friends in the media (As a media person myself, I agree with this criticism, but that's a long-winded post that I'll save you from reading).

But whether you accept his apology as sincere or think it was simply a PR ploy written by his handlers, it really doesn't matter. Why doesn't it matter?

Because he doesn't have to apologize to anybody other than his wife and kids. At least not publicly. Tiger didn't break any laws, didn't cheat (at golf)... Were his actions immoral? Sure. Illegal? Nope. Sure, you can make the argument pretty easily that he's let down his fans and sponsors, but he still doesn't need to apologize to them – he has not directed affected their lives, which was the whole point of my previous column.

Even though I personally don't think he sounded overly sincere, who the hell am I to tell him to be more sincere? To cry or be more contrite? I'm nobody to Tiger Woods; he owes me nothing. And anybody else out there (media or otherwise) who thinks Tiger owes it to the world, and by extension to them, to be more apologetic, more teary-eyed, more emotional – in essence, less Tiger – well, these people are as foolishly self-entitled as Tiger once claims to have been.

I mean, who the hell do you think you are, anyway?

:: Tiger ::

Perhaps by now you've heard, but a few Fridays ago, Tiger Woods crashed his Cadillac into a tree and a whole bunch of women fell out.

And as one might expect when scandal hits the world's best golfer, richest athlete and sports' up-until-now Golden Child, there's been plenty spoken and written about the situation. But for any of you living buried beneath a sand trap, here's the quick breakdown as far as any of us can tell:

Rumours of Tiger cheating with some broad come up in the news. Wife Ellin (editor's note: She's the only woman in this story who doesn't look like she's been rode hard and put away wet. Tiger, what were you thinking? If you wanna cheat, that's your business, but c'mon pal - pick better) gets angry and the two have a fight. Tiger leaves the house. Ellin chases after him, and smashes the back window of the Caddy with a golf club. The incident then causes Tiger to crash into a fire hydrant followed by a tree.

Cops come. Rumours and stories swir. Enter TMZ.

And then all the ex-mistresses come out of the woodwork. Now, there's plenty of angles to tackle in this story - starting with the fact that one of his ladyfriends kept 300 voicemails and text messages simply so she could sell them to US Weekly (like this wasn't her plan the whole time), or we could debate the privacy vs. celebrity debate that's raged ever since Eldrick pleaded via his website for people to let his family deal with the situation in private.

However, I'd rather write about something that's been bugging me every since the alleged cheating stories came to light. I have a real problem with those people who are eulogizing this moment as the end of humanity, as if Tiger was the last bastion of Good in the world of sports, and their lives are now lesser because of Eldrick's wayward use of his putter. (Or maybe it's a Driver, you'd have to ask Rachel Uchitel).

I'm talking to you, GolfChannel.com.

Rich Lerner writes about it being an "end of an era" and how there is now a grieving process for all of us, when in reality, I think the only people grieving is the Woods family and likely the Golf Channel itself, since Tiger is its bread-and-butter and if not for the massive spike in popularity golf has enjoyed since Tiger arrived, the channel doesn't likely exist.

So grieve for your ratings, sure. But this isn't going to affect the common person's life. And if it does, well, I feel sorry for you.

Tiger Woods is not your brother, best friend or personal deity. He is a golfer on TV. And if he makes and mistake, well, that's too bad of course, but it probably should not affect your outlook on the world. He's just a man. A sometimes people make mistakes.

I had a quick conversation with Lanette the other day about this very situation, because she thought I was pinpointing her as one of these "oh-no-the-world-is-ending-how-will-I-go-on-now? types. But I'm not. Lanette, like thousands of others, simply like Tiger a little less now. And respect him less, too.

And that's fair. He deserves that, I'm pretty sure.

But my point, aside from the fact that the world is not in fact crumbling all around us, is that this doesn't affect Tiger the athlete. Unless his personal life gets inside his head so much that he suddenly starts shanking every tee shot, he's probably going to go out there and win 7 tournaments and at least one major next year, and the year after that and the year after that. Because Tiger Woods, when it comes to golf, is a robot. He's the best player on the planet, and that hasn't changed in the past 10 days.

And for all the Pollyannas out there who are crying into the hot dogs they bought at the turn, well, I hate to break it to you but sports hasn't been pure and untainted and good for about 15 years, at least.

(Some quick examples off the top of my head: Barry Bonds, Tom Cable punching his fellow coach, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Todd Bertuzzi, the whole Tour de France, Charles Barkley, Michael Phelps and oh, and in a near-exact situation as Mr. Woods is the man who was the World's Greatest/Richest Athlete before that mantle was Tiger's - Michael Jordan.)

To hold Tiger to a higher standard than other superstars isn't exactly fair. I mean, how is he different? He's a guy who made a mistake, and though some people will forgive him (as if he actually needs the forgiven of strangers, instead of just his family) and some will not, I doubt very much that, six months from now, when I see him birdie 18 to win the Masters, I'm going to shake my head in disgust and turn to somebody and say, "Yeah, that was a pretty good round, but remember the time he slept with that chick in New York?"

No, I'm much more likely to say one thing and one thing only:

"Nice putt."

:: Open up the 'Stick with your Wife' barrel ::

As far as relationships go, the last year or so has been a bit of a roller-coaster for a lot of people I know, and even more that I do not.

I mean, two pairs of my best friends have gone splits-ville earlier in 2009 – and a third occurred just recently – which has surprisingly turned out OK for all involved, or so it would seem to an outside observer. At the very least, nobody took a nine-iron to the back window of somebody else's truck.

And speaking of nine-irons, we've all been inundated with the "news" of Tiger Woods crashing his Escalade and allegedly cheating on his wife. I'll get on a rant one day soon about how this isn't exactly earth-shattering news (Cole's notes version of rant: If Tiger's infidelity has actually profoundly affect you as a golf fan or just a person, I feel kind of sorry for you. Focus on your own life, because Tiger is just a guy on TV.)

The point is, there's been a lot of bad relationship mojo floating around lately, and I don't like it. I mean, there's nothing anybody can do about it - things happen – but it's just bumming me out, man. Even last night, I settled in for a good night of TV watching, and what do I see? Larry David trying (successfully, for a change!) to get back with his ex-wife on the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and then a divorce-centric episode of Parks and Rec.

I'm no expert on relationships here (shocking to you all, I know), but unlike Tiger Woods and every single person I seem to see on TV this week, at least I've went 11 months (editor's note: Holy Shit, 11 months!) without any domestics, car crashes, TMZ reports or angry fights.

That's something, I think.

The lesson here? There isn't one, really. Except maybe try to be more like me, if you can (But I've suggested this idea before, on a number of different fronts, and it's never really taken off).

As for the rest of you – Chris & Jenna, Scotty & Kels, Jer & Katie, etc... – just try to keep it together, will ya? This whole splitting up stuff this is depressing me.

Oh, and Buchs and A-Scrams, you try your best, too. (Good luck, Amanda).